Another day

Just a rant…i guess.

  • I’m very pessimistic like I tried to be optimistic think happy things, look st the bright side and do the things I love or whatever, but I’m starting to hate the things im supposed to enjoy and Im losing interest in it.

  • I suck at social situations. Like I feel so stupid the words are literally stuck in my throat and I just can’t. It gets so bad I would start hyperventilating infront of them. It’s so stupid.

  • I’m hella scared of making mistakes and getting things wrong. People have told me that its okay to be wrong and learn from it but if I get it wrong the embarrassment gets stuck in my mind for years and I can’t sleep. I already cant sleep from other stressors so I dont know anymore.

  • I’m scared to go outside. I can step outside for a while but then I cant interact with anyone. So if I’m alone during lunch time… I usually skip lunch to avoid crowded areas. It happens everyday.

  • I am very self conscious about my body and the way I act. Everyone tells me how I always look stressed/scared/sad/tired 24/7 even when I’m just staring into space or something. It’s true. Sometimes I am like that. But I’ve never heard anyone saying that I looked happy for once.

  • My self esteem is extremely low. Not low to the point I hurt myself yet but I do think about it. I mean I don’t really have any interests or aspirations or skills so like why am I still studying. I’m not even studying something i like and I cant change it anymore since I also don’t know what I want to do anyway. And its too late. I don’t have the courage.

And there’s more.

Its been years. I’m not young anymore. I’m not rich. I’m not pretty. My parents have been hoping I get a partner soon but I can’t talk to anyone of the opposite gender since I’m so scared. I have no dreams. I’m so sick of being alive. I’ll never love myself.

If you asked me to list something good about myself, it doesn’t exist.

Now that I think about it. I really dont have any thing to live for. I dont know what too do anymore.
I’m scared. I want to give up its like I’m only holding on because my parents are still around.

I have been asked to look for psychiatrist or counselling. I’m too scared to ask. Its also expensive. I’ve been talking to school counsellors all these years but nothing works.

My long time “friend” thinks that I’ve become more confident but the truth is that I’m faking it. I saw her having her own problems and I felt bad. I used to tell her about my problems everyday since I had no one else to turn to. I didn’t share anything with her for a while and only pretend to be happy when I see her. Its fine though. I don’t want to bother her anymore. We are friends that went through ups and downs. Drifted many times. I don’t want to tell her that I’m still suffering. There’s no one close to talk to and it doesn’t help me anyway.

The pressure to constantly do well. The unnecessary stress I give myself. Everything is a mess.
I don’t want to live anymore.

1 Like

there’s a saying “shared joy is double joy. shared sorrow is half a sorrow”.
i’m glad you have decided to rant here instead of keeping them to yourself.

you said you can’t find anything good about yourself but i could see a few:-

  1. you are one hella writer. you write extremely well, with clarity and with varied sentence structures, making your rants enjoyable to read!

  2. you are self aware and socially aware. you know exactly what problems you are currently facing. so it’s a matter of working up the courage to take baby steps to improve the situation.

  3. you are a considerate friend as you spare a thought for their wellbeing.

living is hard. i don’t deny that.

you can choose to look inwards and focus on yourself and the negativity.

or give life a chance, look around and focus on the people who need help.

p. s. i was thinking you might want to check out this book.

Heyyyyyy I agree with @yunikon ~ from what you’ve shared, can alr identify a few good qualities of yours le!! But you probably don’t feel like it or believe us, though I hope you do!!
More than anything, I just hope you know that you don’t have to be a certain way or anything, you being you as long as you’re living the way you feel like and you’re not hurting anybody, you deserve good things~
From all that you shared, it sounds like a lot of your concerns stem from focusing on what you think others’ perceptions of you are. yet I think you can be how you want yourself to be without considerations of others, and it will probably be freeing?
I have friends who is seeing therapists from polyclinics and it’s more affordable tho wait time is longer, maybe that can be an alternative to explore?
You deserve all the kindness in the world, and I hope you be kind to yourself too!!! :people_hugging: