I wanted to start things off by saying that I love my partner. I’ve never met anyone like them and never thought of commitment till they came along. In my previous relationships, I only saw glimpses of a future but with this partner, I see the rest of my days. He makes me happy and I never thought I’d find someone who loves me the way he does.
My struggle is now that since we met at a later age, it feels like a lot of adult milestones are more daunting. Such as marriage, family planning, wedding, etc. And I think it’s been something I’m starting to see conflicting perspectives on. Not necessarily from him but his mother. She’s kind and generous. Not a scary future MIL at all. But I do feel she has started seeing me as a future counterpart and has gotten rather comfortable. Sometimes I feel like she says things that hurt my feelings or make me feel invalidated. But because she’s not my mother, I can’t say anything. At least not to her.
I tried confiding in my partner but I never knew how much of a momma’s boy he was.He was upset that I was upset about his mother. It suddenly felt like my safe person had a limit. And I understand it may have been me out of line to share how i feel but now i worry. Do i have to struggle alone and internally if this is the person i want to spend the rest of my lkife with?
open to hearing thoughts and support. not really a big fan of coddling though haha
Hey @user0611 , thanks for the sharing — what you have shared, I do personally relate!
I hear you, certain societal expectations do come with a relationship at a later stage of adult life and they feel more imminent and pressing because of what we observe of our peers and also commentary coming in from various directions. I’m curious: I noticed you mentioned that these milestones are daunting, and I wonder which part of those feels (most) daunting to you and why do you think you are feeling that way!
As with all relationships though, it’s so, so normal to have conflicting perspectives. It seems like that’s just part of any sort of relationships That said, contrasting views not communicated well can feel intrusive. I’m sorry that you had to encounter unpleasant comments from your partner’s mother, and that must feel rather conflicting on its own since you are trying to reconcile her kind nature with the invalidation that you feel, they feel rather contradictory don’t they? Definitely not a easy line to tread, balancing your boundaries, respect for an elder and consideration for your partner’s feelings.
It’s such a great step that you decided to voice it out to your partner rather than bottling it up. Now comes the difficult conversation and I also see that you felt that it may have been out of line. Communicating your needs is not out of line at all! However, it seems like your partner might have interpreted it with a defensive stance. Often, it’s not that your partner isn’t supportive of you (from what you have described, he truly cares for you and has consistently done so!), but there could be deeper layers of emotions not uncovered yet. Perhaps there’s a worry that you will not get along with another important person in his life (his mum), and it manifests defensively to put a hard stop at any discussion because that might “make things worse”. In such instances, I do find that it’s helpful to pause discussion about the surface issue, and have curiosity for their reaction first, and also articulate calmly how their response makes you feel. Peeling the layers and uncovering the deeper subconscious motivations and being vulnerable can be quite helpful.
I really do hope that you guys manage to work this out, it’s tricky but it can definitely be done Here to discuss more and I’m rooting for you as you navigate this!
hi @tobs , thank you for your reply. firstly, i want to say i’m so thoroughly impressed with how you’ replied. i can really feel how sincere and genuine you are and it really made me feel a lot better, seen in a way that i don’t feel crazy for being lost in my situation.
as for
i think the more daunting aspect is eventually co-habiting(??) or living together with my in-laws. and i know it’s not a must but i think it’s not something i was initially opposed to. since living with them would be more conducive if my partner and i do want to start a family. reason being is that my parents eventually want to move abroad and retire elsewhere which i support but also cause, i think my parents’ place may not be where i would want to live in my older years and put my partner through that hahaha. but now….. i suppose it’s all so different cause now i’m anxious about being with future ILs. even staying over on the weekend now feels like i always have to act a certain way and go by their schedules and plans and i’m just a tag-along. my partner and i hardly do anything on the weekends anymore cause they expect us to stay in with them and run errands.
i like this perspective alot cause i did worry quite abit that my partner was choosing his mother over me in a situation where she spoke down to me/ill of my actions. not that i wouldn’t want my partner to be a filial and loving person (he is) but i did wonder why it felt like i wasn’t welcomed to share my feelings.
Hey @user0611 , I’m so glad it resonated! You’re definitely not crazy for the thoughts going through your mind right now. Things don’t have to be dramatic to be complex, and right now you’re navigating a few relationships that are so closely weaved together, that’s a lot!
I see how considerate you are, wanting to maintain your partner’s autonomy in that he will not need to navigate the challenges of living with his in-laws. In the same vein, if that is not something preferable for you, there is also no harm in sharing about your concerns of living together in the future That said, this is still rather far into the future and there are so many permutations of events that will change and shape how you view such living arrangements, so let’s not get too carried away with worrying first!
It seems like the more imminent issue now is feeling like you cannot be authentic when spending (precious weekend!) time with people who matter and finding difficulty establishing boundaries without hurting anyone or causing disharmony. I will not say that this process will be easy — in fact it’s very difficult, and if this offers any assurance, it’s something I observe that many couples struggle with! I notice that you mentioned that they “expect” that you both stay in with them the entire weekend: was this clearly communicated by them? And if so, is there a way to negotiate and come to a middle ground where you still get to take time off for yourself/both of you?
It seems like your partner is also struggling with this newfound relationship dynamics as well, just as you are, but perhaps this struggle is coming off as him choosing between you and his mother. I believe this is something worthy of exploration and even levelling up the communication style between the both of you!
That said, contrasting views not communicated well can feel intrusive. I’m sorry that you had to encounter unpleasant comments from your partner’s mother, and that must feel rather conflicting on its own since you are trying to reconcile her kind nature with the invalidation that you feel, they feel rather contradictory don’t they? Definitely not a easy line to tread, balancing your boundaries, respect for an elder and consideration for your partner’s feelings.