Dear @user1807,
Thank you for sharing more about what you’re going through. I can sense that you’re in a space of real self-reflection, and I appreciate your openness in exploring the complexities of your emotional state.
You’ve mentioned how you’ve stepped out of your comfort zone in the past—actively joining clubs, volunteering, exploring new hobbies like gymming, crocheting, and cooking. I admire your willingness to push yourself, even when it was uncomfortable. But it sounds like despite all of these efforts, you still found yourself emotionally numb, and that must feel incredibly frustrating, especially since you were trying to find something that could spark fulfillment.
What you’re experiencing, especially for someone who has actively sought new experiences and connections but still finds themselves feeling detached or unable to feel fully engaged with life, seems like there’s a conflict between wanting to feel something—whether happy or sad—and the emotional barrier that prevents you from truly engaging.
You mentioned that you’re scared of feeling like an NPC, like your youth and life are just sweeping by without meaning. That’s a very valid feeling, and it sounds like you’re looking for a way to reconnect with yourself and your emotional experience.
You also touched on an important point: whether the emotional numbness is a choice or something that has just happened. It’s worth reflecting on whether you feel like this numbness is something you’ve fallen into over time as a protective mechanism, or if it feels more like an automatic response. Understanding where this numbness comes from could help you better approach healing it. Is it something that just happens when you try to feel, or is it a defense mechanism that you’ve unintentionally developed to cope with deeper feelings?
It’s also really insightful that you mentioned possibly romanticizing depression, especially since you recognize it’s comfortable to stay in that space. Sometimes, familiarity with a particular emotional state can make it feel safe—even if it’s not the most fulfilling. But now, you’re looking for something more—you want to feel real emotions, to have the ups and downs that life offers. It’s clear that you want to engage with life, but something is holding you back from that.
You’ve already made so much progress by recognizing this numbness and not romanticizing it as the only way forward. That self-awareness is a strength, and it’s the first step toward reconnecting with yourself. If you feel ready, maybe it’s time to allow yourself to explore these feelings, even the discomfort, to better understand what’s keeping you at arm’s length from your emotional self. You don’t need to force yourself into feeling something—gentle exploration of your emotions, in a safe and non-judgmental space, could help you reconnect with your genuine feelings and desires.
Healing is a process, and you don’t have to rush it. Small steps in reconnecting with what brings you joy, even if it’s just a small spark, can make a difference. And remember, you are not broken—you just might need to find your way back to that emotional connection, and there’s no shame in needing support along the way.
We are here for you as you continue to explore what’s next for you.