Feeling more numb as I grow old

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
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hi,

i’m a student in their last year of uni. on surface my life is good - im a first class honours student, dont have many friends but have 1 really good friend and a partner of 2 years. zero monetary troubles as i saved plenty. so i should be happy.

i find myself missing my teen years where i was going through heavy depression every day, crying myself to sleep because some situationship didn’t respond to my text or i got a bad grade on a test. have been going through my past journal entries and its like a completely different person wrote it because i felt my emotions so strongly.

now, i feel nothing, whether it is positive or negative. i find that when i dont feel upset, i dont feel a drive to be better and i spend my days wasting away, doom scrolling, gaming, studying, rinse repeat. am i just content with my life and being toxic by missing the days of depression? or have i just grown up and its supposed to be this way for everyone.

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Depression may feel more familiar and comfortable like home compare to happiness or neutral feeling at first but u will like happiness and wish that u didn’t waste ur youth cuz of depression. You might also be romanticising depression. I went thru that. Connect w ur uni counsellor

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Hi @1807,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts so openly. I can sense the confusion and frustration you’re feeling about your emotional state right now. It must be difficult to feel like you’re in a space where your emotions seem distant or muted, especially when you reflect on your past and how intensely you felt everything. It’s clear that you’re questioning whether this emotional numbness is a sign of growth or something that signals a deeper issue.

Having to experience different emotional phases throughout life can be challenging, as you have discovered, and it’s okay that your emotional landscape doesn’t look the same as it did in your teenage years. Your current emotional state might be a sign of growth, but it could also be a response to burnout or emotional exhaustion from your past experiences. It’s not uncommon to feel disconnected or “flat” when life feels like it’s going on autopilot, but that doesn’t mean you are failing or missing out on something important.

You mentioned you don’t have many friends now and miss your teen years when emotions felt so intense, and on the surface it looked good, and you should be happy. It sounds like you are wanting to feel something again, whether it’s positive or negative. That yearning for emotional intensity when you had it can sometimes stem from a need for company in life, which might feel lacking right now.

You’ve probably heard from many others to tell you to explore new ways of connecting with your feelings—whether through creative expression, reconnecting with old hobbies, or finding a cause that reignites your passion. How do you feel about this? Do you struggle with this just by yourself? Or prefer to look together with some others to reignite your passion?

You mentioned that now you spend days doomscrolling, gaming, or constantly studying—can you see if they’re helping you avoid feeling something deeper? These habits may have started as coping mechanisms, but it’s possible they’ve kept you from experiencing life more fully. Would you be keen to explore how you can begin to engage more meaningfully with your emotions and daily activities?

Take care of yourself; if you are ready, tell us more about what was the first thing that you would recall from the last time you were very passionate.

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hi, thank you for your insightful response!

no, i dont i feel in need of a company - i’ve always been very introverted, so i enjoy keeping to myself and my loved ones only.

i can’t recall a time when i was truly passionate about something - i think i was just born like this or didnt manage to find my passion yet.

regarding trying new things and connecting with more people, i did when i first entered uni. i was very active in clubs, travelling with strangers, networking, and volunteering. i was also actively exploring new hobbies like gymming, crocheting and cooking. it was all super out of my comfort zone but i continued for 1+ years as i thought it might be good for me.

since i never found the sense of fulfillment i was chasing, or cured my emotional numbness, i slowly lost interest in these activities and dropped out from them over the span of a year.

to clarify, i don’t feel that this is the worst way to live. i recognise that i have come a long way from wanting to end my life in my teenage years and i might very well be romanticising depression which feels comfortable.

but i just wish i could feel happy or sad when i should. being emotionally numb makes me feel like an NPC and im scared that my entire youth/life just quickly sweeps by like this.

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Dear @user1807,

Thank you for sharing more about what you’re going through. I can sense that you’re in a space of real self-reflection, and I appreciate your openness in exploring the complexities of your emotional state.

You’ve mentioned how you’ve stepped out of your comfort zone in the past—actively joining clubs, volunteering, exploring new hobbies like gymming, crocheting, and cooking. I admire your willingness to push yourself, even when it was uncomfortable. But it sounds like despite all of these efforts, you still found yourself emotionally numb, and that must feel incredibly frustrating, especially since you were trying to find something that could spark fulfillment.

What you’re experiencing, especially for someone who has actively sought new experiences and connections but still finds themselves feeling detached or unable to feel fully engaged with life, seems like there’s a conflict between wanting to feel something—whether happy or sad—and the emotional barrier that prevents you from truly engaging.

You mentioned that you’re scared of feeling like an NPC, like your youth and life are just sweeping by without meaning. That’s a very valid feeling, and it sounds like you’re looking for a way to reconnect with yourself and your emotional experience.

You also touched on an important point: whether the emotional numbness is a choice or something that has just happened. It’s worth reflecting on whether you feel like this numbness is something you’ve fallen into over time as a protective mechanism, or if it feels more like an automatic response. Understanding where this numbness comes from could help you better approach healing it. Is it something that just happens when you try to feel, or is it a defense mechanism that you’ve unintentionally developed to cope with deeper feelings?

It’s also really insightful that you mentioned possibly romanticizing depression, especially since you recognize it’s comfortable to stay in that space. Sometimes, familiarity with a particular emotional state can make it feel safe—even if it’s not the most fulfilling. But now, you’re looking for something more—you want to feel real emotions, to have the ups and downs that life offers. It’s clear that you want to engage with life, but something is holding you back from that.

You’ve already made so much progress by recognizing this numbness and not romanticizing it as the only way forward. That self-awareness is a strength, and it’s the first step toward reconnecting with yourself. If you feel ready, maybe it’s time to allow yourself to explore these feelings, even the discomfort, to better understand what’s keeping you at arm’s length from your emotional self. You don’t need to force yourself into feeling something—gentle exploration of your emotions, in a safe and non-judgmental space, could help you reconnect with your genuine feelings and desires.

Healing is a process, and you don’t have to rush it. Small steps in reconnecting with what brings you joy, even if it’s just a small spark, can make a difference. And remember, you are not broken—you just might need to find your way back to that emotional connection, and there’s no shame in needing support along the way.

We are here for you as you continue to explore what’s next for you.

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