Hey guys. I’m writing this here because I think it really needs to be talked about, but I have nobody to discuss it with haha. I’m not confident that I can give a good picture of it but I’ll share some things I learnt from my own experiences.
Growing up, my family state has always been mom complaining about dad, dad absent from all parental responsibilities other than going to his job, mom and dad arguing over insignificant things, yelling at each other while knowing full well me (as a child) could hear every bit of it. And when we go outside, we seem like the most normal, happy family, a mom holding her childs hand, a dad who pays for anything they want as long as they ask for it, and a sweet kid who smiles at everybody. But only we know, it’s all a facade. A facade to make us seem ‘normal’, to save our reputation. They put so much effort into maintaining this facade, sometimes it seems real. But I’ve always known that it isn’t. The moment we get back home, faces change. Doors are slammed shut and locked. Arguments. Then silence - we pretend as of nothing has happened. Then it repeats, again, tomorrow. And perhaps the next day. And every few days.
I used to think that all families were like this. They argue, then it’s peaceful for a few days, then they might argue again. It was only when I’ve gotten older, and have gotten to known some of my friends and visited their homes, that I really realised that it couldn’t have been any more different — a family where you could chat your hearts out and makes jokes over dinner, a family where you could actually confide your feelings with, and a family where everybody actually loved each other. In my family, everyone seems to be doing their roles. My mum, making food for me, buying nice things for me, keeping the house clean, supervising my studies. My dad, working a 9-9, managing the finances. But something always felt missing — a really important part, that I couldn’t yet comprehend when I was younger. Now, I’m in the final lap of my pre-university studies, and I’ve encountered a lot of difficult things, things that made me feel sad, angry and hopeless, but I shouldered almost everything by myself. I’ve realised that confiding anything in my mother is useless, in fact it only makes me feel worse, because she always finds a way to victimise herself because I was apparently the cause of her not being able to help me. And when I lose control of my feelings and walk away from our conversation, she always finds a way to hurl it back at me in the future. Now, I’ve stopped trying to confide in her, completely, realising that she sees all this as a burden in our relationship.
And it makes me so sad. I care about her so much, that I would sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of protecting her feelings. But when she yelled at me with words that hurt me to my core, and i spiralled into a panic attack and started crying, all she did was stare. None of us mentioned it since. But I know she remembers it clearly. All I don’t understand is why doesn’t she care about my feelings at all?
I think it really comes to show that, for many families I would also presume, that parents think they are raising their child right just because they’ve fulfilled the basic roles of being a parent. Providing for the family’s material needs, ensuring their kid is well-fed, can get a job in the future, and knows their moral code. But they turn a blind eye when the child is suffering. Tell them a piece of homework matters more than going to the therapist. Screaming at each other, saying they’re protecting their kid, when the kid is hiding in their room scared stiff. And then telling the kid that they were never grateful enough for all that they have done.
But when you’ve never given this child a loving environment to grow and develop in, how do you expect them to be able to have a decent EQ and good grades? If you’ve never taught a child how really caring for somebody looks like, how do you expect them to know how to care for your feelings? I feel like I’ve learnt nothing from my parents, to be honest. And I’m sad to say this, but i really do feel it’s true. Over time, my moral values, my perspectives on social issues have been slowly moulded by the friends I spend time with. And my parents barely had any positive influence on me.
well, there’s that of my miserable life, I guess. I think more importantly, these issues are much more common than you think, and should be addressed, if not at least acknowledged in our society, and not treated as invisible, or worse, taboo issues that can’t be talked about. Schools never cover anything about mental health more severe than feeling anxious about exams. Schools, especially those that are very grades-focused, almost pay no heed to students’ mental well-being. Even though I’ve been sleeping in class super often when I’m feeling really drained, and failing my tests frequently, none of my teachers have once asked me how I was feeling. I know i shouldn’t expect them to know when I’m depressed, but it would have been really nice if just one person asked me if I was feeling down.
so…yeah. Schools, you should really do something about this. Whether is it in your assembly talks, character and citizenship lessons or whatever. Just make sure students see it (not some mental health awareness week exhibition that no one goes to)and move mental health up your priority list. And to anybody else, please, make sure you really know how to take care of a child before you choose to have one.
thanks for listening to my ted talk.. comments and discussion is very much welcome!!
What you’ve described — growing up in a home where the surface looks fine but the inside feels hollow and unsafe — is genuinely painful, and it makes complete sense that it’s left marks on you.