I just started polytechnic. When I’m at poly, I’m this cheerful ambivert who takes charge of a situation with such confidence, I’d be jealous of myself. I start conversations, smile at people and laugh a lot. When I am near home, there’s like a switch to my whole being. I grow numb and just feel…dead. When people say home sweet home, I don’t agree. Sure, I laugh with my family members, but I don’t feel it. My tongue feels slimy when I say I love you to my parents. I would go as far to say that it’s torture to exist. My sister says it gets better, however, after 3 years, I’m still waiting. I don’t know how much more I can take at this point. What am I feeling? Why am I not feeling?
There are moments where I feel like I’m genuinely going insane. I want to talk to someone but there’s no one. My parents don’t believe in feelings like these and my siblings are fighting their own demons. I don’t know how to help myself.
I’m sorry, was this a lot?
Thank you for being so open in sharing your concerns. It sounds there is a lot going on at home for you and your siblings. Although, I am glad to hear that you are able to find connections and be happy when you are in poly.
It can be challenging when your parents are unable to understand and validate your emotions. I would like to offer some notes for you to think about and apply what you feel is helpful.
Manage expectations: Your parents might not be aware of how to recognise or acknowledge their own feelings, thus unable to provide this to you and your siblings. It is important to manage your expectations when you are around them. If possible, seek validation elsewhere. It can be through friends or other connections.
Self-validation: Remind yourself that your feelings are valid whether people acknowledge them or not. Give yourself time to process each emotion that you feel and let yourself know that it is okay to feel this way. It is okay to feel more like yourself outside, as compared to when you are home. Even though people can say home is a safe space, it is not necessary a safe space for everyone. You don’t have to force yourself to feel happy when you are home. That would be denying your own emotions and not fair to yourself.
Focus on self: Know that you are important and prioritise your needs. If you feel that it is better to take a break outside when things are difficult at home, take a walk in your neighbourhood. Tell yourself there is nothing wrong with thinking this way.
Seeking professional support: You can consider community options or talking to your school counsellor about what you are going through. Perhaps they can provide some guidance or tools to help you navigate these feelings.
If you are uncomfortable with seeing a school counsellor, here are some other options for you to consider: