Has anyone feel this before

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Hello there, these are some random thought that make me batshit insane

the calm before the storm

Im quite fixated to the idea of “the calm before the storm”. So whenever I’m geniuenly feeling happy or enjoying myself, i would think that something bad will definitely happened afterward. “Like i had a really nice trip in london, but I was so scared of what happen afterward, like is there something bad that bout to happen after the trip?”, some thoughts like these.

karma

Another thing is the idea of karma. I would say that im not that good of a person. In secondary school, I was a really bad human being. I cyber-bully people, and i said and was proud of really homophobic and racist stuff. I always curse people to die etc. Now Ive entered poly, i became more matured, i no longer find those stuff funny, and i knew those kind of thing is genrally evil. Also, now from time to time, i would say stuff that are really hurtful and disrespectful to others. Im a buddist as well, so i really believe in karma. A huge part of my medical anxiety came from the thought of “oh i did so much unforgivable stuff in the past, is this how god punish me?” Another thing is that I dont listen to my parents when i was in secondary school. They ask me to drink more water, i dont listen. They ask me not to sleep too late, i dont listen (i still sleep late nowaday LOL). And now when i feel something wrong with my body, i felt like its direct karma of me not listening to them

anxiety of f-ing up my life now

also, in secondary school, i was really pessimistic. I really dont care if i died or anything, thats why i dont bother to fixed my diet, continued on on a lot bad habit. But now i as i said i became more matured, i started to have more friend, im improving myself, life is heading to a correct direction. But this also make me really afraid of death, illness or changes in general.

fear of death

this brings me to the last point as well. I am so scared of death. Since young im really scared of death. My father told me when I was a toddler, I was really scared of dying from bee stung. Then in primary school, I remember I was scared of dying from thirst if the world ever ends. Then in secondary school, I was scared of brain tumor, neck lump, broken jaw, ear infections… countless stuff. And recently, i had some discomfort in my body, thinking that i have diabetes, CKD, UTI, or those stuff (currently i still panic over it from time to time).

am i actually sick or anxiety sick

so whenever i had this mini health anxiety attack, all the symtoms start coming out. I felt pain everywhere in my body. Usually, i know how to handle this type of situation cuz i knew its my anxiety causing this issue. But the worst one is i actually had that illness but it is not servere at all, but when i start googling the symtoms i get really bad panic attack. Cuz i do feel them, just that it wasnt the illness google tells me or maybe it is HAHA idk atp also. But i kinda fear that maybe im actually feeling it or nah.

anyone feels the same?

I wanna know if anyone feels the same, or im just insane lmao. Cuz im the kind of person who doesnt use phone in train/busses, what i do is thinking about a lot of stuff, so it could be me only as well. Also, i wanna know is there anyway to remove these thoughts

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Hey @medical_anxieter,

Thanks for initiating this post, I too would be interested to hear from others…

the calm before the storm

When you say that, it sounds like you don’t fully trust peace. When something is good, your mind immediately prepares for loss. That doesn’t sound crazy, it sounds like a brain that thinks safety comes from predicting danger. It must be tiring to enjoy something and simultaneously brace yourself.

karma

You were honest about your past. You did things you’re not proud of. And now you’ve grown. What I hear isn’t evil. I hear guilt. And because you believe in karma, your mind tries to link discomfort in your body to moral repayment. That fusion makes sense psychologically. When guilt is unresolved, the brain looks for punishment. But it also tells me you care now. The old version of you wouldn’t even question it.

anxiety of f-ing up my life now

This part stands out. When you didn’t care about life, you weren’t afraid of losing it. Now that things are improving, the fear of death gets louder. That shift actually tracks. When something matters, the threat system activates stronger. Fear increasing doesn’t mean something is wrong. Sometimes it means attachment has grown.

fear of death

The theme has been consistent since you were young. The object changes, bee sting, thirst, tumour, diabetes, but the core fear stays. That suggests the anxiety isn’t about a specific illness. It’s about mortality and uncertainty. And your brain keeps finding new “containers” to hold that fear.

am I actually sick or anxiety sick

You already notice something important: symptoms escalate when panic escalates. That awareness tells me you’re not detached from reality. You can observe the pattern. The googling, the spiraling, the doubt, that’s a very common anxiety loop.

Overall, what I’m hearing isn’t insanity.
It’s:

  • A maturing conscience.
  • A sensitive threat system.
  • A long-standing fear of death.
  • A mind that overthinks in quiet spaces.

And underneath it… someone who actually wants to live well now. Just out of curiosity, when the panic hits, what scares you more, the possibility of dying, or the idea that you might lose the future you’re starting to build?

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def the idea that I might lose the future you’re starting to build. As i said, i didnt care bout how i live back then, but now i care about it so much, and i dont want to lose it. Another thing that i fear during those attack, is also the burden that i might placed on my family. But ya, i would say im scared of losing this life im having right now

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Hi @medical_anxieter,

Reading what you said, “i care about it so much now… i don’t want to lose it.” I’m glad you noticed that shift in yourself.

You’ve learned how to care about your life. You’ve figured out how to build friendships, direction, and habits that move you forward. That didn’t happen by accident. You developed that ability over time.

It makes sense that once you know how to build a future, you also become aware of how vulnerable it can feel. Caring and fear often rise together.

Something important here is this: the skill of building a life is now yours. Even if circumstances change, you still know how to form connections, improve yourself, seek help, and adjust. That capacity doesn’t disappear just because anxiety shows up.

You also mentioned worrying about being a burden to your family. That sounds like responsibility, not weakness. And being open to medical support when needed is part of the structure you’re building. Support isn’t just one person or one appointment. It becomes a network over time.

Life is uncertain. That part is real. But reaching out, to doctors, to trusted people, helps cushion that uncertainty. You’re not carrying everything on your own. What I’m hearing isn’t just fear of dying. It’s someone trying to protect a life they’ve worked to shape. That reflects growth.

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