i think i’ve become a terrible person and i don’t deserve to have my life. last year i was extremely down because i had a very hard time talking to people and making friends. i felt so lonely that i started to shut people out of my life but i had one friend who i gathered enough courage to confess how i’d been feeling. to this day he’s the only person who knows how i felt.
he provided me comfort and warmth and almost made me cry in public, but he still manages to make me feel bad about myself. i think it’s my fault i get hurt though, because whenever we hung out he’d make a small little joke about my weight or just my looks in general and it’s made me cry countless times. there was this instance where he even joked about my smile, and at the time i hadn’t even questioned whether i looked ugly while smiling, but now i just can’t help but feel disgusted whenever i catch myself grinning over something.
and usually i wouldn’t let small comments like this get to me, but i’ve grown fond of him this past year. from the moment we talked, i had already started feeling butterflies in my stomach. i think it’s been affecting how harshly i take his words and actions, because he’s not the type to text alot and texts me rather dryly, and even while knowing this, i’ll get really sad and frustrated the whole day. it feels like if i don’t get his attention my whole day is ruined, and i know this. i know how badly my dependence on him has gotten but i don’t know how to stop or what to do. it’s been making me act out and take my frustration out on everyone around me, especially him. i know it’s my fault that i’m distressed, but i still put the blame on him because he won’t act the way i want him to.
he’s had a troubling past as well and wasn’t very well-liked in primary school so he’s always struggled having friends. he told me i was one of his first close friends and that he doesn’t understand why i still hang out with him. i know this and try treating him the best way i can but sometimes i just get so hurt by his remarks, or other things that he does, and i just push him away. i ignore him at school, online, or just whatever, and make him feel lonely. and i always see this as me making him feel how i’ve been feeling but i know it’s wrong and hurtful and i’m a total ■■■, but the cycle keeps repeating. he never apologises for saying stuff like that to me, and i never apologise for leaving him out.
i think it’s gotten worse cause earlier this week we had a small group competition, and i was so happy to be with this group of girls, because i was finally making more friends. but during recess, just before the activity, i felt so angry cause i was trying to enjoy my break silently but he just butt in and sat in front of me. he was speaking incredibly loudly while there was this group of friends nearby SURROUNDING my desk. and keep in mind he’s kind of hated in class. i have a hard time socially and sometimes he makes me feel embarrassed to be his friend. it’s terrible, i know i shouldn’t care, but i’ve always dreamt of that ideal school life with a small group of friends who are funny and well-liked, and he’s not really that.
but anyways i got so ashamed because of him and i ignored him the rest of the day, and the day after that. since yesterday was a holiday i ignored him as well, and i was so scared to deal with the whole situation cause i knew i was being disgusting that i begged my parents to let me skip. i am now ignoring all of my friends but it doesn’t matter anyways cause like only one person asked me if i was okay since i never came to school.
i dont know how to improve myself though, im scared to ask my friends for advice cause their lives are way worse than mine and they don’t need to be troubled with my small angsty problems. i just really wanna know how to stop hurting the people i care for and feel like i deserve my life.