i have this really nice friend i know and he’s a friendly extrovert, so it was very easy to become close with him!! i really like being his friend and he is such a fun person.
before i met him, i was searching up ways to become more likable, and i have started to ask more questions during my conversations with people to make sure they feel heard. Although i do enjoy listening to him talking about himself, i want to talk about myself too :(. i mean everyone likes talking about themselves no?!!! However, every time i do talk about myself, i find him either ignoring me completely and continuing to talk about other things, or replying dryly, making me feel that im boring him.
i understand i do think im quite a boring person, and maybe he doesn’t know how to reply me, but i can’t help but feel sad that he “doesn’t care” about anything i say about myself!
i have actually brought it up once when he asked me if he had any cons. i mentioned that he was not a great listener, but i also foolishly said that i didn’t mind it as i prefer listening :(. i feel like i should’ve established the fact that i like being heard too at that point.
i really want him to realise how upset this makes me feel, almost like a one sided friendship. but i feel like confronting him head on will strain our friendship more than the good it’ll bring.
please help me figure out how should i go about this !!
Sounds like you’re having a tough time with a friend and getting your point across. I recall how important friendships are to you given it’s value for you; and how your value-driven actions are in line with making genuine connections and being a good friend to him - you put yourself out there (like researching how to become more likeable, working on conversation skills, etc.) despite the risks. You are being true to who you are and want to be!
I wanna commend you for your efforts and also acknowledge that you did bring it up when there was an opportunity! I’m heartened to hear you giving more emphasis on active listening as we try to listen to understand instead of listening to respond (like formulating your next question/comment, trying to ‘read’ the person’s mind, etc.).
It also sounds like you engaged in a some pros-and-cons where you were considering tackling the situation head-on or just keeping things the same. Bringing it up sounds like the way to go so let’s minimise stress/barriers on your end and maximise likelihood for acceptance on the other end (remember you can’t control how other’s behave but you can influence them). Perhaps this could look like, if you haven’t already, writing down what you want to say to use as reference. Picking a time and place where there’s minimal distractions/interruptions ensures both parties are calm. You can then get yourself heard by sharing your thoughts using I-statements: “I think/feel … because… and I would prefer that (what you would like said/done instead)”. This way, you can get your concerns across and in a manner that he can listen and understand clearly.
I also wanna bring up a possibility of a scenario where after you try speaking to him, things continue to remain the same - like a 1-sided friendship What will you do then - perhaps this is where you carry out actions that align with your values by trying to be a good friend yet wanting to not be neglected. Most importantly is to express your emotions in a helpful manner and to be kind to yourself!
Let us know what you think about this. I hope things go well with you! Until then, take care
Hi @BKT !!
With your encouragement, I decided to tell him directly that I wish he’d listen to me more when I felt the time was right.
And I’m so glad he took it nicely!! He told me he knew he was not the best at listening to others and promised he’d try his best. After that, I began feeling more heard and our friendship felt less one sided :))
Thank you so so so much for your encouragement!! I’ll try my best to consider the best positive outcome in these kinda situations :::)))
You are being true to who you are and want to be!
What will you do then - perhaps this is where you carry out actions that align with your values by trying to be a good friend yet wanting to not be neglected. Most importantly is to 