i don't know what to do

[pastypanini]

sometime this year i went through a pretty rough breakup, i have bpd and so it hit me quite hard. my friend took care of me (like got me to come over to her house and cooked me food because i wasn’t eating) for about half a month because of that but while she was being immensely kind on some occasions, she would also start to be really really mean. i’m not good at really seeing past the love i have for that friend even if she were to do something really messed up to me because i tend to trust wholeheartedly in my friends and excuse their behaviour because i simply cared for them and believed that they cared for me as purely as i did too. a lot of people who used to be friends with her has said before that she exhibited traits of a narcissist but i pushed it aside because she never really showed that side of her to me yet. or so i thought, i really was just blind i think.

so long story short, while she was taking care of me she would also sometimes switch up on me and yell at me. she would say a lot of things like how my ex was just using me for my body and that i was a waste of time to him, all that stuff. it got worse and she started calling me pathetic and worthless for trying to see the good in him still. i was really affected by it but i kept quiet and still tried to forgive her on the basis that she was probably just tired of dealing with me. it then got to a point where she would lie and make up scenarios by twisting evidence to say that my ex had cheated on me or that he wasn’t straight etc. etc. and because of the fragile mindset that i was in, i got really confused and couldn’t really figure out who to trust. she even went as far as to say that i was trying to steal her bf away from her because i told her that she wasn’t being that nice to him by disregarding his feelings in a certain way when we were at her house together. her and her bf eventually “broke up” and she started mocking me by saying that at least her ex still wants her and he still calls her pretty and all that stuff just to rub salt in the wound. when i would bring up that i was a bit hurt at her words, she would just say that she was saying what the real world would have said to me and that it was tough love, emphasising that i just needed to learn how to suck it up and take it. i tried to but eventually had enough so i distanced myself. she got mad at that and then made a rant on her private account with our mutuals twisting the story again and making me seem like a sl*t and ungrateful for the things she did for me, saying that i chose my ex and other guys (whom she made me text in the first place) over her when that wasn’t the case at all. i told her i needed a break for a week to think things through surrounding our friendship but she disrespected that even though she initially agreed. she cornered me one day and got all up in my personal space, getting aggressive and all and eventually got mad i just calmly said i was okay with her not talking to me ever again and walked away because i noticed her trying to manipulate me into thinking that what had happened didn’t actually happen even though i had the texts to prove it. after speaking to a few people after i cut her off i realised she had also lied about several situations with other past mutuals which had made me cut them off for her sake. i apologised to them and explained the situation and we became friends again eventually.

the most recent thing though was i had come into contact with a mutual of my ex and i and she asked what had happened between the two of us. i explained and told her all about what that ex-friend did post breakup and during the relationship (she would try to make him jealous or make him feel inferior for not doing certain things her bf would do for her, make it so we couldn’t really see each other much over the holidays unless it was in the group setting and even convinced me that he cheated on me during my exam period which was what sparked the heated argument and the breakup). it felt like i got a heavy weight off my shoulders knowing that someone finally sees the reality of the situation but i’ve been ruminating over if i made the right decision in telling that mutual about what happened. she offered to talk to my ex to get him to be willing to talk to me and clear up the mountain of misunderstandings but after we both agreed he might get angry at me confiding in her she said she would talk to one of his friends, whom we both know as well. i agreed because i trusted her but i’m so scared that my ex-friend would catch wind of this or something like that. i’ve kind of always been made to feel like my feelings aren’t valid and that i exaggerate situations because of how many times i’ve been gaslighted by old friends and my mother (she deals with a mood and personality disorder) and i’m second guessing now that if i really was the ungrateful one for not choosing to forgive her again and focus on the good of what she has done for me instead of cutting her off. i also feel bad for talking about her still but i felt that that mutual deserved to know because my ex-friend had also started a really big rumour that my ex had cheated on me with that mutual and it affected their friendship as well.

i don’t know i’m pretty overwhelmed and confused right now on if i made the right decision. i’m graduating this year so i can kind of get away from it (as much as i can anyway, i live around the area still :,/) but i don’t want to be that horrible person that ruins someone’s last year over something they did in the past. she’s still doing the same things to other people but i don’t know, i just feel really bad still.

[ping]

Hi!

It sounds like you have gone through so much in the past few months. From relationship breakups to facing friendship manipulation, I would like to say that I am proud of you for recognising the red flags and being able to not associate yourself with said “red flag”.

I am also happy for you that you were able to reconnect with friends whom you care for after dispelling misunderstandings!

I can see that you are feeling quite stressed about the decision to let your mutual know about what has happened as well as letting your mutual talk to your ex’s friend.

Although yes, it would be ideal to talk to your ex yourself as the story could be lost in translation through different people, I also find that telling your mutual what has happened is a great way to evaluate the situation in a third-person POV.

I understand that you may have concerns about whether your ex-friend would be affected if she heard about this which is a valid concern as you are a very empathetic and caring human. The purpose of sharing the story with your mutual was to give them closure as they were affected by the rumours and not gossip about your ex-friend for the sake of gossiping. So you do not have to feel guilty whether your ex-friend hears about it.

Keep your head up high and enjoy what life has to offer to you

You and the god you believe in know what the truth is so do not be too stressed about whether people think that you are "exaggerating’ the story.

Once again I would like to highlight that you are not obligated to feel guilty for a person whom you had to end things with for the sake of your mental health and happiness. You are precious and loved no matter what!

[FuYuan_Affections]

Hi @pastypanini,

First, I want to acknowledge how strong and self-aware you’ve been through everything you’ve shared. It’s clear that you’ve been through a lot emotionally—dealing with a tough breakup, managing your BPD, and navigating friendships that have become toxic. The fact that you’re reflecting on all of this and questioning your decisions shows just how deeply you care about others, but I also sense that you often prioritize their needs over your own, which has taken a toll on you.

I noticed that you’re questioning whether you made the right choice by cutting off your ex-friend, and you’re worried about coming across as “ungrateful.” since you care deeply, this is a conflict that you face. It is important to remind yourself that protecting your emotional well-being isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. You deserve to be in relationships where you are treated with respect and care, and it’s okay to set boundaries with people who can’t provide that for you, even if they’ve helped you in the past.

It sounds like this friend had a pattern of invalidating your feelings and twisting situations to make you doubt yourself. That’s really damaging, especially for someone who already struggles with feeling like their emotions aren’t valid. You are not ungrateful for recognizing that the friendship was hurting you. You gave a lot of yourself to the relationship, and your decision to distance yourself doesn’t erase the good moments you had together—it just means you’re prioritizing your emotional health, and that’s something to be proud of.

I hear you when you say that you’re unsure whether you’re exaggerating situations because you’ve been gaslighted so much. That’s completely understandable. When someone repeatedly makes us question our reality, it’s hard to trust our own instincts. But from what you’ve described, your feelings are very valid. Your friend’s words and deeds hurt you, so your decision to leave was not a betrayal but rather an act of self-preservation.

I also want to acknowledge how brave it was for you to speak to the mutual about your ex and your ex-friend’s behavior. It’s clear that you’re not trying to ruin anyone’s last year or start drama—you’re just looking for clarity and truth, which is something we all need to move on. It’s okay to feel conflicted about these things, but remember that you’re allowed to share your story, especially when it brings you relief and helps you heal.

You mentioned that you’ve been made to feel like your emotions aren’t valid and that you tend to ruminate over situations. It’s so hard when we internalize the idea that our feelings are “too much” or “not important,” but your emotions are real and important. You’re not “too much” for wanting to be seen, heard, and treated with kindness.

Right now, it sounds like you’re carrying a lot of guilt for not being able to forgive your ex-friend again. But forgiveness doesn’t mean allowing someone to hurt you over and over again. You’ve given a lot of chances, and it’s okay to say, “enough.” It’s also okay to feel relief for speaking up about the situation, even if part of you feels bad for doing so.

Moving forward, I encourage you to practice being kinder to yourself. It’s easy to get caught in cycles of self-blame, but you’re doing the best you can with the emotional weight you’ve been carrying. You are deserving of relationships where your feelings are heard and respected, and I hope you can begin to trust that you deserve care, too. It’s not just about what you can give to others; it’s also about what you deserve to receive.

Take things one step at a time, and please remind yourself that you are not alone in this. You are allowed to protect your peace, and you are deserving of the love and respect you give to others.

Take care of yourself, Plvto, and thank you for sharing your journey.