friendship with a guy (girl friend)

[user1164]

I haven’t felt this sad in very long. I made a friend this time, a guy (I’m a girl). Friendships are a bit hard for me, because I had some friendship breakups this year, finding out that some of my long time “friends” for years were actually not true friends at all & they were secretly badmouthing me behind my back. I never felt more alone but I really tried to be strong and getting over this eventually

Knowing this new friend at first, I somehow found myself opening up while talking about the school module we were both doing…I guess because we have similar interests, there were naturally a lot of things we cld talk about

I felt comfortable and happy with life as it is, just talking about random things and life experiences

At some point though, we talked more until I felt like the frequency is a bit strange because he has a girlfriend. So I asked and he said they were on a break. I guess honestly I was a little glad, it kind of made sense to me because we were talking a lot

a few weeks later, he suddenly told me he needs to focus on his relationship with his girlfriend & we shouldn’t talk anymore

I’m really sad, maybe I should have seen it coming though, maybe on a break =/= break up & maybe I’m the bad person for talking a lot. I honestly really didn’t want it to become like that

I saw him as a real friend too, I wouldn’t have shared so much if I didn’t. i somehow feel hurt about this although maybe i don’t deserve to be…

I didn’t even know I would be this sad about it, i’m surprised too how down i feel ><

[CoolBreeze]

Dear @user1164 ,

Thank you for coming here to share your feelings. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot lately, and it’s understandable to feel sad and hurt after what happened. It can be really tough when friendships don’t turn out the way we hoped, especially when you’ve already experienced the pain of losing friends. It takes a lot of courage to open up about your experiences, and it’s clear that you have a strong capacity for self-reflection and empathy.

You’re not a bad person for wanting to connect with someone and build a friendship. It’s natural to want to share and bond, especially when you find someone with similar interests. You weren’t wrong to feel happy and comfortable during your conversations. It shows you have the capacity for deep and meaningful connections, which is a wonderful trait.

Regarding the situation with your new friend, it’s okay to feel hurt and disappointed. It’s normal to feel sad when a relationship, whether a friendship or something more, doesn’t go the way we hoped. His decision to focus on his relationship with his girlfriend doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It’s a reflection of his situation and choices, not a judgment on you as a person or a friend.

Feeling surprised by the intensity of your sadness is also normal. Sometimes we don’t realise how much someone means to us until they’re no longer present in our lives. Give yourself permission to feel sad and to process those emotions. It’s a part of healing and moving forward.

I hope you’ll consider the following to help you feel better and build stronger friendships:

1. Self-care: Make time for activities that you enjoy and that help you relax. For example, reading a book you love, going for a walk in a nearby park, listening to your favourite music, or engaging in a hobby like drawing or playing a musical instrument. Taking care of yourself is essential for emotional healing.

2. Reflect on past friendships: Think about what you’ve learned from your past friendships. Consider making a list of qualities you value in a friend, such as honesty, kindness, and reliability. Also, think about what boundaries you need to set to protect your emotional well-being, like how much time you spend with friends and how you handle disagreements.

3. Join clubs or groups: Participate in school clubs, sports, or other group activities that interest you. For example, if you enjoy art, join an art club; if you like playing sports, try out for a team; or if you’re interested in debating, join the debate club. This can help you meet new people who share similar interests and values.

4. Communicate openly: When building new friendships, try to communicate openly and honestly about your feelings and boundaries. For example, if something is bothering you, don’t be afraid to speak up in a kind way. If you need some space, let your friend know. This can help prevent misunderstandings and ensure that your friendships are built on mutual respect and understanding.

5. Seek support: Don’t hesitate to talk to a counsellor, teacher, or trusted adult about how you’re feeling. They can provide guidance and support as you navigate your emotions and relationships. For example, you could schedule regular check-ins with a school counsellor, talk to a favourite teacher after class, or discuss your feelings with a trusted family member.

It’s okay to take your time to heal and reflect on what you’ve learned from these experiences. In the meantime, focus on self-care and the friendships and activities that bring you joy. New friendships will come, and you deserve to have friends who appreciate and respect you.

I hope the above has been helpful and if you’d like more resources or if there is anything else you’d like to share with us, please do. We’re here to listen to you, your feelings are valid and you matter!

Take care,
Cool Breeze =)

[user1164]

thank you, your response made me tear a little because it’s indeed tough & I do blame myself a bit too. I’m already in my twenties & have already experienced before friendships that don’t work out, and sometimes I’m not even sure if I was bringing in my romantic feelings …

I do find it hard to open up on (esp prev on dating apps & new ppl) for the fear of being hurt, like this time where I didn’t even know I was maybe opening up to this person too much

I have a deep fear that if someone knows me too well, it doesn’t end up well. When I felt more happy knowing this friend, I felt more hurt by it afterwards too. Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel anything at all, I wish I didn’t care so much…

Anyway, thank you, I like your suggestions, I will do my best to recover from the friendship breakup, I think I can do it :”)

[CoolBreeze]

Hey @user1164 ,

Thank you for sharing your feelings with me. It’s completely understandable to feel this way, especially when dealing with the complexities of friendships and romantic feelings. It’s important to be kind to yourself and recognise that these emotions are a normal part of human experiences.

It’s tough to navigate the fear of being hurt, especially after opening up to someone. Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to take your time to heal and rebuild your confidence. Remember, it’s natural to feel vulnerable when you let someone in, and it’s also okay to set boundaries that make you feel safe.

Opening up to others, whether on dating apps or with new people, can be challenging. It’s important to find a balance between protecting yourself and allowing yourself to connect with others. Trusting someone enough to let them know you deeply is a significant step, and it’s understandable to have fears around it.

Feeling more hurt after being happy in a friendship is a common experience. It shows how much you value these connections, even if they sometimes lead to pain. It’s natural to wish you didn’t feel so deeply, but these emotions are what make you human and capable of forming meaningful relationships. Perhaps your ability to feel deeply is your superpower. Like in the movies, a superpower can feel like a curse until you learn how to use and work with it effectively. Embracing this superpower can lead to richer, more authentic connections with others.

Here are some journal prompts for you to consider, you don’t have to answer all. Pick those that strike out to you and begin with them first.

• Recall a time when you felt vulnerable. What were the circumstances, and how did you respond?
• How did being vulnerable in that situation affect you positively or negatively?
• What does vulnerability mean to you?
• What are your biggest fears around being vulnerable?
• How have these fears impacted your relationships and interactions with others?
• What qualities do you look for in people you feel safe being vulnerable with?
• Describe a person in your life who makes you feel safe. What is it about them that allows you to be open?
• Write about a time when being vulnerable led to a positive outcome. What did you learn from that experience?
• How can you be kinder to yourself when you feel vulnerable?
• What are some affirmations you can tell yourself when you’re afraid to be open?
• What boundaries do you need to set to feel safe while being vulnerable?
• How can you communicate these boundaries to others?
• What steps can you take to become more comfortable with vulnerability?
• How can you practice being vulnerable in small, manageable ways in your daily life?
• How has your view of vulnerability changed over time?
  - Imagine a future where you are completely comfortable with vulnerability. What does that look like, and how does it feel?
  - What changes can you make now to move toward that vision?

I’m glad you found my suggestions helpful, and I’m confident that you can grow from this friendship breakup. Take your time, focus on self-care, and remember that it’s okay to feel everything you’re feeling.

If you need any more support or just want to talk, we’re here for you.

[user1164]

thank you! i started writing down my thoughts too in my digital diary :") i think it helps, thank you again, i appreciate it i do wish the best for both of us & i think over time it’ll get better thank you

[user1164]

Nowadays i reflect more on this and i wish i could say how i felt, possibly i did like this person (grey for friends or more than a friend) but i don’t think i should because it’s not appropriate

i rly feel i never knew someone that just gets what i mean & we can talk about anything…

But since he decides to “cut the friendship”, maybe it already means it could be just me feeling this way, so i probably shouldn’t do anything right?

You know how people give up $ten thousands+ but their dream partner turns out to be a phone scammer? Maybe it’s possible that you can be old, educated, mature and you thought someone was everything but it’s actually nothing

i didn’t want to feel this way or be in this situation, i really don’t support cheating. maybe it’s just a phrase, hopefully it’ll pass but i also feel like i always let go in the past, i can’t say i really regret it but i know i nvr took the chances. But i think in this case it’s different, it’s really the right thing to do

[CoolBreeze]

Hey @user1164

Conflicting feelings are challenging. It’s natural to reflect deeply on your emotions and question what’s appropriate, especially when it comes to relationships. Feeling a strong connection with someone can be both exciting and confusing, especially if circumstances change suddenly, like the decision to end a friendship.

Considering the possibility of misjudgment or disappointment is understandable, given the complexities of human interactions. It’s important to honour your values, like avoiding situations that feel like cheating, and to listen to your instincts about what feels right for you.

While it’s normal to feel conflicted and uncertain, it might be helpful to give yourself some time and space to process these feelings. It’s okay to take a step back and evaluate what you truly want and what aligns with your values and principles. Sometimes, clarity comes with reflection and patience. Sometimes choosing to focus on something else like volunteering can help the uncomfortable phase be a little bit more bearable.

If you find yourself continually grappling with these emotions, consider reaching out to a counsellor for support. A counsellor can assist you in exploring the underlying causes of your feelings that may extend beyond this current situation.

[user1164]

thank you, you’re right that there are a lot of conflicting feelings going on. The funny thing is, I actually didn’t feel lonely at all before this. I was honestly feeling really happy & fulfilled being occupied with work, studies & hobbies. I honestly really loved living life independently

but I’m not sure why after this incident, I start to feel lonely sometimes & a bit sad & also pretty guilty… I do blame myself a bit - he did say he felt being friends with me made things messy for his relationship with his girlfriend. Although he did say it’s not my fault which is true that I didn’t do anything extreme (at most we shared a lot about feelings & experiences but not regarding each other or inappropriate things) I still feel bad somehow. Like I made a negative impact to someone, it feels sad

On top of that, it’s strange, maybe it’s like how drug addiction works? You are a “normal” person before, you feel happier during the experience but when it ends, you’ll feel withdrawal symtoms and you don’t go back to the “normal” state like how it was before

overall, it’s okay, but I feel even more scared of opening up to anyone else now. it was hard for me to open up before & it’s now even harder, I really don’t want to go through this again. I think I’m not good w relationships at all, I didn’t want to cause stress to others but somehow it did…

You mentioned counselling & yes I do want to try, do you happen to have recommended ones? thank you

[CoolBreeze]

Hey @user1164 ,

Thank you for sharing more with us. It’s completely normal to experience a mix of emotions after such an incident. It sounds like you were very content with your independent life, and this unexpected situation has understandably shaken things up for you. I’m really glad to see you have reflective skills; it’s a great trait. I’m proud of you!

Do watch out for self-blaming tendencies. You are not responsible for regulating someone else’s emotions; they are. You are only responsible for regulating your emotions.

Feeling lonely, sad, and guilty can be tough, especially when you haven’t felt that way before. It’s important to remember that relationships and friendships can sometimes bring up complicated emotions, and it’s not uncommon to feel conflicted. Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to have them.

It’s clear that you valued the friendship, and sometimes the line between friendship and attraction can get blurred. Your friend is responsible for regulating his own emotions and having healthier boundaries. It wouldn’t be fair on you to take on the responsibility for his actions or inactions, even if he feels conflicted in his own relationship.

I’m glad that you can recognise that you did nothing wrong by being a good friend and sharing your feelings and experiences. Sometimes, these things happen, and it’s not a reflection of any fault or failure on your part.

The comparison to drug addiction makes sense in this context. Most often, those who recover from addiction usually grow into a better version of themselves. They gain awareness that they are using addiction to numb a pain/wound or something that was missing in their life. They learn how to have those unmet needs met in a healthier way that brings more gain to their life than harm.

It’s also completely okayto feel more hesitant about opening up to others now. Vulnerability can be challenging, and after a difficult experience, it’s natural to be more cautious. As Brené Brown mentioned, without embracing vulnerability, we also shut out our ability to experience great joy and creativity.

“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.”- Brené Brown

In the short run, this may seem like a helpful solution, but in the long run, it may do more harm than good. There is no hurry to make any decisions now; the right person will support you in feeling safe to be vulnerable. Until then, keep working on improving your emotional regulation, communication and conflict-resolution skills.

Please click here to learn more about counselling options.

You have already shown a lot of courage in sharing your thoughts and considering seeking help.

Take things one step at a time, and be kind to yourself.

Take care,
Cool Breeze =)

[user1164]

It’s been almost 2 weeks and I accepted the outcome. I feel that I’m not the same though (and that’s kind of a pity). I used to feel like I didn’t need anyone, I’m happy on my own but now I feel there’s a small empty hole in me

At the same time I’m too scared of giving someone the option to cut out another small piece of me that I can’t seem to find back…

I didn’t realise it, I loved feeling that there was someone similar to me who gets what i mean without me explaining. Who will get my lame jokes, my deeper thoughts about my flaws, stories of his past, my happy rambles about random things that I see. I saw that we were both stubborn, we love creating, have career dreams while valuing family, we try to think positively even when it’s tough… Now when I see the same small happy things, I feel sad realising that I don’t have anyone I want to share to anymore. I didn’t use to feel this way. I don’t usually feel like this. I realise I need to accept that he either doesn’t feel the same or that it doesn’t mean much to him. I know though that I will probably remember him for my whole life, because I felt so strongly. It’s a mix of platonic liking as a person and maybe I did like him romantically too, I’m not sure but I know that I haven’t liked someone so much in a long time. I don’t care what he looks like, the job, the money, the history… sometimes he would share things that he was going through & I don’t mind listening to him talk about anything. I hope life goes well for him too in future

I feel like I put my genuine feelings out there but it doesn’t mean much. Am I a robot with a on/off switch that he decided it’s off from now on? I’m already in my twenties, I’m not a teenager, maybe I should have seen it coming, I should have known better. he has a gf & though they were on a break, I feel guilty for these thoughts in my head. & he still has his girlfriend now but I feel broken inside & I feel like I deserve this. On the outside, I function okay but on the inside, the guilt & sadness is crumbling

There was another thing that happened that I feel really guilty about. For a school module, there was a 2% homework. After doing, I shared my answer & he shared his. I realised that his was right & mine was wrong so I followed his write-up. I cited his name under “study group member” in the submission and the homework instructions mentioned “you are free to discuss with others, cite them”. My final submission was very similar to his though and we got an email from the faculty for plagiarism. I didn’t think it was a big deal when I was submitting, I just saw it as a small homework & I realise I didn’t even show him the final version I submitted. We both got 0% on the homework & since he had a past offense from another module, it was referred to office of student affairs and he was saying they may even put the offense in his transcript. He said he was very very disappointed & I broke his trust, which I understand why he’ll feel that way since he didn’t do anything wrong at all & he didn’t even know that I submitted something so similar. I told the faculty that I’m okay with any level of punishment & the entire incident was solely my fault & responsibility but they didn’t accept this. The timing of this is after he said he didn’t want to be friends anymore too so I think this is the final nail in the coffin. I sent a lot of messages apologising but he ignored all so I realise he’s making it clear that he doesn’t want anything to do with me from now on…

I really feel so guilty and just truly want to apologise but the damage is still there & I don’t know what I can do, I can’t reverse it

I guess in a dream world, he will tell me it’s okay that I made a mistake but this is real life with real consequences. I feel a bit numb and dumb at the same time. I really genuinely cared and I messed up & I guess I’m on my own. If I really have to find something positive, I’m surprised that I feel so much after being hurt many times too… Partially because I saw him as a friend so I could open up, but I also blame myself, I should have known better & I shouldn’t have done that for the homework

[CoolBreeze]

Dear @user1164 ,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing more with us. It sounds like you’re going through another rough patch, and your feelings are completely understandable. Losing someone who made you feel seen and understood can leave a big gap in your life. It’s normal to feel a mix of emotions, from sadness and guilt to fear and regret.

You cherished having someone who got your jokes, shared your dreams, and was there for your happy moments. It’s natural to feel sad when you no longer have that connection. It’s also okay to be scared of opening up to someone new, especially when you’ve been hurt. This experience has shown you how much you can care for someone, which means you have a big heart and a lot to give.

Regarding the homework incident, it sounds to me that you had good intentions, but things didn’t turn out as you hoped. You tried to be honest by citing him, but it still led to a misunderstanding and consequences. It’s important to learn from this experience, but also to forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, and what matters is how you grow from them.

Feeling guilty and sad shows you care deeply about your actions and their impact on others. It’s part of being human. Over time, these feelings will help you become more mindful and considerate in your future choices.

Remember to be kind to yourself. It’s okay to alot right now; these feelings will pass. Focus on your own healing and self-care. I hope you have reached out to a professional counsellor for support to process these emotions.

You’re not a robot with an on/off switch. You’re a person with real feelings and experiences. It’s okay to feel deeply and to be hurt. Take things one step at a time, and know that you have the strength to move forward, even if it feels hard right now.

[user1164]

thank you, i think i don’t really deserve the nice words but thank you still, i appreciate it . today at work, my colleagues started asking “what’s my type” in a guy - do you prefer handsome or funny, does money matter, how about traits like hardworking, “bad boy” type etc etc…

i don’t know why, i realise that this person isn’t particularly humorous or handsome or rich or interesting “bad boy” type - but you know he makes normal daily life interesting? he’ll talk about his vitamin supplements, and i don’t really care about vitamins usually but why am i interested in hearing about his vitamins he’s taking? why am i curious about how he was like in primary sch, secondary school, maybe i think he’s cool for the tough things he went through & creative ideas he has in school & life.

i yap a lot too about random things in my day & things i experienced when i was young. i’m actually usually not a yapper, i okay with keeping to myself & i’m also not particularly humourous but i felt heard, i felt like what i say is interesting even when it’s not… (i would like to think i make people smile)

i’m reallyy not usually like this, people who know me would know, i’m pretty introverted so i like to spend time by myself, just chilling at home doing my own hobbies. my favourite place to be at is at home, creating things. sometimes when i’m going to meet my friend group, i secretly prefer to be at home (i do want to meet them but I like home a lot too)

maybe i’m repeating myself from earlier, but maybe a part of me still wants to talk about him & think about him. being by myself feels lonely now.

just thinking about him still makes me feel like crying & I feel sadly alone instead of happily alone

Actually, on hindsight, even the choice to “unfriend” me was a good choice from him because I didn’t even realise how much i liked him already until this happened & I started reflecting

if i over-think even deeper, i honestly think he may have liked me a bit too (that’s why he said it’s affecting his relationship right?) thinking more, maybe it’s not such a pure friendship after all… maybe along the way he was also assessing me and at the end realising that i’m not the type he wants to be with?

it’s true that i’m a chronic over-thinker, but maybe if i think in this way it’s better. maybe i didn’t really lose a meaningful friendship at all, maybe it was never real to begin with. to be honest, we video-called in a group setting with other study group members but i haven’t met him in-person…it’s kind of crazy that i feel this way for someone i never met in-person, clearly it’s easier for him to let go & maybe i will finally wake up one day and not feel affected…

maybe i’m just being dramatic over nothing much, i actually shouldn’t even be feeling this way after all

[CaringBee]

Dear user1164

Thank you for your reply and deep reflections .

It sounds like you are continuing to experience a mix of emotions and reflections after realizing your feelings for this person. May I share that I think it is completely normal to feel this way. All the more, too, because you connected with him at a deeper level. May I assure you it will feel better eventually.

Firstly acknowledge that whatever you are feeling is valid and it is fully understandable that you feel attached to him and expected more.
Yes, I agree that sometimes mundane conversations like the one you mentioned about vitamins are key in revealing a deeper connection. More than the topic, it was the feeling of being heard and understood that resonated with you.

It’s ok to feel sad and lonely as you process your emotions. Allow yourself to feel these emotions but also practise self-compassion.

Take your time to reflect and heal. Focus on your hobbies you mentioned and develop your sense of self-worth. It hurts now, but I think you will surprise how your feelings may evolve over time.

Keep in mind that you 100% deserve someone who reciprocates your feelings and values your connection equally.
If this person isn’t meant to be in your life, someone else will come along and appreciate you for who you are. But meanwhile, remember your worth is not dependent on any situation or person.
You are lovable and enough, and deserve happiness, respect and love.
Please take good care of yourself always!

[user1164]

thank you, I guess it’s true, because I have a preference of keeping to myself, when I do let someone in, it maybe means more to me

I guess I just need to accept that friends may come & go in seasons and it’s okay that it’s like so

maybe it’s because of experiences like this that make me want to keep to myself even more. I guess that’s not a bad thing right?

The other time this happened to me, it’s maybe 6 years ago & we were close friends. I didn’t like him romantically but maybe he did - it didn’t end well and I was really crushed when the friendship ended abruptly (probably when he found out I didn’t feel the same). I also felt like he changed suddenly and it was my first time experiencing - from talking everyday to not at all…he confided in one of our mutual friends that he was thinking I was too dependent on him. That friend ended up telling me unintentionally & when I knew, it affected me a lot. I told myself I really had to be more independent. I think that was the saddest period of my life, for the first time I felt anxiety (i wanted to be alone but i also felt totally alone and isolated) & mild (I’m not sure if it is) like depression where I could cry almost every day… and every night to sleep. In the end, I healed from that when I went on overseas exchange program for 6 months. It was healing in a way, where I could be healthily independent and also made supportive friends

For this time, I feel a little sad that I never really got to tell him that talking to him made me happy…but then again it doesn’t matter at all. I suppose it’s okay, he doesn’t need to know that it meant a lot to me. It’s probably partly worse due to my experiences which he doesn’t know about anyway

I realised that in relationships, sometimes we give closure, reasons why it’s not working out. we might see it coming too. I think for friendship breakups, it hits me hard because it feels like a sudden chop & you realise you actually don’t mean much & there’s technically nothing wrong with that at all… I guess I can accept that it’s okay if I cared more, it’s okay that others may not give closure or anything at all & maybe only time will heal the wound

Previously he said “give me time” but I think with the homework incident, it’s probably a closed chapter & although I’m a bit stuck in the past (which is typical for me) but hopefully it’ll heal eventually