I honestly can’t tell if my friendship with my closest friends are normal or not. I am very attached to them, to the point that if we hang out for a whole day. I feel sad that i have to go. When they hang out with other friends i used to get jealous but not say anything, because i was scared that they’d leave me. I think I feel jealous because I’m afraid they’re going to replace me with someone that’s better and someone that can treat them well. They’d also always go MIA because they are dealing with their own ■■■■, but i get so stressed out and frustrated and sad when they dont talk to me. I keep wondering if i did something wrong or how i always screw it up that’s why they arent talking to me. Usually I’m used to them going MIA, but recently they’ve been more active and I’ve fallen victim to getting to comfortable. so when they went mia for 3weeks i was reallt frustrated. It frustrated me more when they told me they wouldnt be able to handle meeting people but they met their other friend ? Idk, i know im being childish and stupid but sometimes i cant help but feel that way. Obviously i didnt tell them about my frustrations but idk. Sometimes it feels like if they’d ever leave me i would just die. It’s not like i dont have other friends, i have plenty of loving and amazing friends. But it feels like i could never truly open up to them like how i talked to that friend. I don’t know man.
Hi there @potatonommer
Thanks for finding the courage to share about what you’re currently going through with your closest friendships. I wanna let you know that how you feel is valid given how you’re struggling with your experience and beliefs about what a friendship means to you. Certain friendships are very important to you and it sounds like you’re also able to have a considerable circle of friends. Humans are social creatures that want connection so it makes sense for friendship to be one of our main ways to make connections. I can see that you value connection a lot - you treasure the company, support and joy of being a friend to others and having friends. But on the flipside, you wonder if your desire for connection might also drive them away - and that feels very real and sensible to you!
I wonder when this started for you to feel this way? I wonder if you’re able to check on your values and to kinda figure out the important things that you look for in a friend. What do you think are your values? Perhaps you can note the important values down and give them some thought. This helps us to make choices that are in line with our values that gives us a sense of content and well-being. I find that values can serve as a guide to help us live a life that is true to who we ARE and want to BE.
Additionally, we hold on to things thinking that it’s important but perhaps we might need to let go of some parts of it. Maybe it’s the perception or concept of what a friend should be or what friendships should look like? The concept called locus of control helps us understand how much of control (on a continuum) we have over what happens. At the same time, having an internal locus of control (believe you have control) does not always equal good and external locus of control (believe that you have no control and external things impact it) does not always equal bad. This lets me know that I can control what I can and that I can cope with what I can’t control.
Of course, this will be rather difficult and I hope you can consider speaking to someone about this. You can also consider this list should you feel like speaking to a professional in a setting that is safe and without judgment:
- Samaritans of Singapore (1-767)
- Family Service Centres
- James Cook University Clinic
- NIE Wellness Centre
- NUS Clinical & Health Psychology Centre
Looking forward to hearing back from you. Until then, take care!
Hi @potatonommer I hear you, and it sounds like you’re going through a complex and emotional situation. Your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to struggle with the fear of being replaced or left behind. It might be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your friends about your emotions, as communication is key in maintaining healthy relationships. It’s understandable that their absence causes stress, but expressing your concerns could bring clarity. Remember, your worth is not determined by others, and reaching out for support from trusted friends or even a professional could provide valuable perspectives. Take care of yourself, and don’t hesitate to seek the understanding you need. X
Maybe you could try telling them about your frustrations and see what they think? What is it about this friend that makes them different from all your other friends?