Is it my fault I lost my best friend?

[Starstruck]

I recently met this girl and we instantly hit it off.Lets name her L. Slowly we became best friends and we would do anything together, we baked we went to each other’s houses and we even talked about our relationships. We were the type of friends that had known each other for 8 months but we would do everything together. I really felt like I had known her my entire life. L and I entered a friendgroup with B and C. We were really happy but C was really toxic she would manipulate B into hating me and L and at one point we separated, me and L, C and B. L started talking a lot of ■■■■ to Me about C and I listened. Obviously I didn’t say anything to C. I started becoming friends with C and B again but I wouldn’t snitch on L or I wouldn’t say anything Infront of L to not make her mad. (Me C and B weren’t as good as friends as me with L but we were slowly building trust.)(Note that I felt like ■■■■ and I felt like I was betraying her) At one point L pulled me aside and told me she wasn’t comfortable with me being friends with C and B, so I stopped because she was my priority. After a month I received an email from L saying oh you know I’m sorry but I’m friends with C and B, you can be friends with them again. By that time I had completely shut out both B and C so I couldn’t really just come back and be friends. L had come out to me a few months before saying she was bisexual. obviously I didn’t tell anyone and I supported her. L started dating this girl E and E had been my friend for a long time. (Note that I am 100% straight). After awhile they broke up and I was there for L throughout. After their breakup I still talked to E because she had been my friend for a long time and I couldn’t just cut her off. After awhile L,C,B started a new friend group with H. I felt left out and as if H had replaced me. I told L about it and about how recently we weren’t close anymore and I felt replaced. She screamed at me and told me the world didn’t revolve around me and that she was allowed to have other friends than me,which obviously she could,I never told her no. (If anything she told me no with C and B). We stopped being friends and they would constantly go like HAHAHAHA YOU ARE SO FUNNY L in front of me. L basically told me that it was my fault and that I shouldn’t have talked to her ex.

Please I am begging you I have been crying myself to sleep the past few months and I need to know if I was in the wrong and what I did wrong. please help me…

[CoolBreeze]

Dear @Starstruck ,

Thank you for reaching out here for support. I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Friendships, especially close ones, can be very complicated and emotionally taxing. It’s normal to expereince uncomfortable moments with our friends, you’re not alone in this.

You and L formed a very strong bond, sharing many good times and supporting each other. Introducing C and B into your friend group added complexity, and it sounds like C’s manipulative behaviour caused a rift. L seemed to have a significant influence over your actions, such as deciding who you should be friends with, which could be seen as controlling.

You felt torn between L and your desire to maintain friendships with C and B. This is a difficult position to be in, and it’s understandable you felt guilty and stressed. Supporting L through her relationship and breakup showed you were a good friend, and continuing your friendship with E was natural since you were friends with her before she dated L. When L formed a new friend group, you felt excluded and replaced, which is a painful experience. When you expressed your feelings to L, she reacted harshly, leading to a significant breakdown in communication and understanding.

Navigating friendships, especially in a group dynamic, is challenging. Setting clearer boundaries with L might have helped, as it’s important in any friendship to ensure both parties feel respected and free to have other friends. Open and honest communication is key, and it seems like there were many instances where feelings were not fully communicated or understood, leading to misunderstandings.

It’s normal for friendships, and even relationships, to change as people grow from experiences. Just as our bodies are constantly changing, so too do our relationships and personal needs. To remain true to yourself while allowing others to grow and change, it’s important to recognise that your sense of worth doesn’t depend on others’ actions. Give yourself permission to allow friendships to come and go. While a sense of loyalty is valuable, blind loyalty can be costly.

Perhaps viewing this situation in terms of who is right and who is wrong may not be very fruitful. Emotions and communication have many layers, and everyone’s feelings and perspectives are valid. What matters more is how each person chose to communicate and regulate their emotions, which is an area where everyone can improve.

If I may suggest an area of improvement for you, it will be, learning to speak for your needs and communicate your expectations. Emphasise your value system of allowing people to be who they are, and make it clear that you won’t change how you interact with someone just because another person is uncomfortable. Remember, you are responsible for regulating your own emotions, not those of others. You can choose to accommodate others, and ideally not at the expense of your own well-being.

Focus on taking care of yourself emotionally and give yourself time to heal. Try to build new, healthy friendships where mutual respect and open communication are prioritised. Use this experience to learn more about what you need in friendships and how to set healthy boundaries. It’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them; friendships are a learning process, and it’s important to be kind to yourself during this time.

Here are some journal prompts, I hope you will find useful:

1. Reflect on a time when you felt truly valued and respected in a friendship.
2. What qualities made that friendship strong?
3. How do you typically handle conflicts in friendships?
4. Is there anything you would like to change about your approach?
5. What are your non-negotiables in a friendship?
6. Why are these boundaries important to you?
7. How can you better communicate your needs and expectations in your friendships moving forward?
8. Describe a friendship where you felt pressured to act against your values.
9. How did you handle it, and what did you learn from the experience?
10. What are your strengths as a friend?

From what you shared, I get a sense that you have shown great strength in supporting L through difficult times and remaining loyal to your friends. These are admirable qualities that reflect your kindness and commitment.

This unfortunate outcome is not a reflection of who you are as a person or as a friend. You are a good friend who values loyalty, respect, and open communication. It’s important to remember your strengths and to continue being true to yourself. This experience, while painful, is an opportunity to grow and learn, and it doesn’t diminish the positive impact you’ve had on others.

I hope the above has been helpful and if you’d like more resources or if there is anything else you’d like to share with us, please do. We’re here to listen to you, your feelings are valid and you matter!

Take care,
Cool Breeze =)