I lost my friends and it’s my fault

I have been extremely stressed lately due to friendship problems. It’s even worse because I caused it and it was mostly my fault.

Context1: I had this best friend, lets call her K. Me and K used to be best friends, but as time went on I felt very frustrated in the friendship. Because in my view of a ‘best friend’, I want someone who prioritises me (and vice versa) and makes me feel special. However, I took these feelings and dealt with them the wrong way by venting to a friend (let’s name her X) I trusted but describing my feelings in an exaggerated manner and shone K in a bad light. At that point of time, X understood where I was coming from and often gave me advice so I would go to her to vent my feelings often. It just didn’t occur to me that it was talking bad, and even X saw it that way. Usually, I prefer to consult a trusted friend about the situation first before talking about the situation to the person, but I vented my feelings the wrong way and timings were usually not very coordinated. What I mean by that is, usually after complaining to X about the situation, I would talk to K about it, but me and X would not have the time to talk (for me to tell X that I have sorted things out with K). This led to a bigger misunderstanding, where she thought that I continuously talked bad about K and never confronted her (K) about it. So, she went to K and told her what I’ve said about her.

Context 2: Me and K were also in a four person friend group, with two other people (let’s name them H & J). H also used to be my very close friend, but we got into a conflict because H was talking bad about K’s boyfriend and I didn’t like that she didn’t tell K about it. She was also shading K a lot directly. So I texted H about it, but she didn’t see it as a big matter and our friendship came to a halt because of that. It might have escalated things when I deleted our chat for both sides. After all this, I was already very frustrated and let my emotions get the better of me. I talked to J about the situation, and spilled how H and K would talk behind each other’s back but never talk about the situation to each other. ( I also shone both of them in a very bad light this way, by exaggerating the situation and making it sound like they talk very bad things about each other behind each others back.) But at that point of time, the situation made me feel very upset, and while talking to J about it, I left the friendgroup by leaving the group chat. However I realised that I also did the same (talk and about my friends) but the only difference was that I would tell the person (the one I was complaining about). But I can see how people would view me as hypocritical and a victimiser, because I see myself the same way too. I realised that I victimised myself in a situation that I created, and I feel extremely guilty about it.

What’s going on now: So now, I’m not friends with all of the people on top except K, because we talked things out and she still willing to be friends with me, just not best friends. I feel extremely happy and grateful for that, and I’m willing to make it up to her. I’m not fully sure if she forgave me because she never explicitly said it, but I hope that I can make it up to her until she forgives me. But the problem is with X, H, and J. I haven’t been able to talk things out with them and apologise to them. I feel extremely guilty but I don’t know how to reach out to them. To make things worse, I don’t know how H will take it if I apologise to her and I don’t even know how to bring it up. (I don’t think she’ll even bother reading my apology) H was also a very close friend to me and I loved her very much. I treasured her as a friend a lot. And now it just kills me that all my friendships ended because of me and because I didn’t know how to vent my feelings properly, and end up shining everyone in a bad light unintentionally. I used to also vent about my problems with H and J the same way, but I don’t know if they know it. Should I admit it to them or not bring it up? Because i’m scared that bringing it up will make matters worse than they already are. I’m very lost in this situation and I’ve been feeling extremely stressed about it. I’m very stuck on what to do right now, and have no idea how to deal with it. I keep crying about this situation every day and dread even going to school because I don’t want to show my face and even worse meet them. H and K’s friend (let’s call her B) were looking at me in a bad manner this morning and I can’t help but feel even worse. I have been reflecting on myself these past few days and have come to understand that I have a victim mindset and am willing to change it. But as of now, I’m very lost on what I should do. The whole thing is stuck there and I don’t know how to move forward. And the more I’m stuck, the more I want to beat myself up because I was a terrible friend to them. I’m so lost, I really don’t know what to do in this situation. Please help me.


thats quite a bit on your plate. i cant imagine going though what you are. Have you reached out to anyone else?

i have no friends so i cant relate. but i feel for you. i have had friends but people come and go according to the phases of life you are in. primary school friends, secondary school friends, dip, degree and so on and so on. IF i could, i hold on to all of them coz they were all so precious but alas, if someone wants to drown, do you hold on or let them go?

dont get me wrong, im not saying dont try. do. do keep trying. but if they wanna go, how can you hold them back.

Hello @user1105 sounds like you are going through a tough time. Navigating friendships and relationships can be difficult in our growing years. I am older now but I recall being scared that I will lose my friends during my teenage years. And the thing is, we will lose some over time and while it may not seem that way now, everything will be ok. We gain some wisdom in every journey and decision that we make in our lives.

I see that you have gained some realisation of how you may have hurt your friends through your words and actions, and would like to change how you approach others in future. I think this is very commendable and mature of you! We are capable of learning and changing, and so can the people around you.

I encourage you to do what your heart feels is the right thing to do. If you feel that having a conversation with your friends will help you to gain some resolution, do so. It is also perfectly ok if you want to move on and make new friends. Don’t be afraid of the outcomes. It will all be ok :slight_smile:

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Hello, @mrSollicitudo! Yea, I have actually reached out to one friend (let’s name her G) and she said i should just let them go. I know in the long run I might be able to, but right now there’s just too much for me to handle in addition to the work load. I don’t know how to deal with it right now and need some help to cope with the situation. I don’t have much friends right now, and only have my mom and G to turn to right now. It’s also becoming worse because I have lost very important friends previously as well and haven’t healed well from it. It’s like how ‘hurt people hurt people’ and I’m aware that I need to fully recover and fix myself first so that I don’t end up messing up more friendships. But the problem is I’m in JC and with the workload, it’s extremely hard for me to cope and I don’t know what to do. The stress just keeps getting worse and I feel more miserable each day. Also, it doesn’t help that my friends hate me right now and it’s almost impossible to reach out to them. I feel like I’m by myself and I have lost all motivation.

Hello, @yoshi! Thank you so much for the words of encouragement and I really appreciate it. Would you mind sharing some ways of coping with the situation because I really don’t know how to deal with it right now😭… It just gets more stressful each day and I can’t stop thinking about it.

You are welcome @user1105 ! I was always busy with my sporting activities in school so I channelled my energy to that and to studying. I think making friends and building friendships is an important part of growing up. They are our social support. They understand us, cry with us, share secrets and share our hopes and dreams. But it is good to think of this as a continuous process. You will go to uni and meet more new people. You will go to work and meet many many different types of people. I think it is good to expand our horizon and think of friends as individuals who value add to your lives and whom we want to value add to as well. With regards to the group of friends you mentioned above, it seems to me that they matter to you. It may be worth it to have a chat with them, individually or together. Let them know you value their friendship and would like to see if you can continue to have a good relationship. Be prepared for any outcomes… they may or may not be ready to accept it. And it is ok. They may need time. You can also make new friends through participating in other activities. JC is difficult so if you ask me, I would focus on studying to get good grades hahaha… I hope you find the courage to take the first step in any direction you feel is right for you.