I have been extremely stressed lately due to friendship problems. It’s even worse because I caused it and it was mostly my fault.
Context1: I had this best friend, lets call her K. Me and K used to be best friends, but as time went on I felt very frustrated in the friendship. Because in my view of a ‘best friend’, I want someone who prioritises me (and vice versa) and makes me feel special. However, I took these feelings and dealt with them the wrong way by venting to a friend (let’s name her X) I trusted but describing my feelings in an exaggerated manner and shone K in a bad light. At that point of time, X understood where I was coming from and often gave me advice so I would go to her to vent my feelings often. It just didn’t occur to me that it was talking bad, and even X saw it that way. Usually, I prefer to consult a trusted friend about the situation first before talking about the situation to the person, but I vented my feelings the wrong way and timings were usually not very coordinated. What I mean by that is, usually after complaining to X about the situation, I would talk to K about it, but me and X would not have the time to talk (for me to tell X that I have sorted things out with K). This led to a bigger misunderstanding, where she thought that I continuously talked bad about K and never confronted her (K) about it. So, she went to K and told her what I’ve said about her.
Context 2: Me and K were also in a four person friend group, with two other people (let’s name them H & J). H also used to be my very close friend, but we got into a conflict because H was talking bad about K’s boyfriend and I didn’t like that she didn’t tell K about it. She was also shading K a lot directly. So I texted H about it, but she didn’t see it as a big matter and our friendship came to a halt because of that. It might have escalated things when I deleted our chat for both sides. After all this, I was already very frustrated and let my emotions get the better of me. I talked to J about the situation, and spilled how H and K would talk behind each other’s back but never talk about the situation to each other. ( I also shone both of them in a very bad light this way, by exaggerating the situation and making it sound like they talk very bad things about each other behind each others back.) But at that point of time, the situation made me feel very upset, and while talking to J about it, I left the friendgroup by leaving the group chat. However I realised that I also did the same (talk and about my friends) but the only difference was that I would tell the person (the one I was complaining about). But I can see how people would view me as hypocritical and a victimiser, because I see myself the same way too. I realised that I victimised myself in a situation that I created, and I feel extremely guilty about it.
What’s going on now: So now, I’m not friends with all of the people on top except K, because we talked things out and she still willing to be friends with me, just not best friends. I feel extremely happy and grateful for that, and I’m willing to make it up to her. I’m not fully sure if she forgave me because she never explicitly said it, but I hope that I can make it up to her until she forgives me. But the problem is with X, H, and J. I haven’t been able to talk things out with them and apologise to them. I feel extremely guilty but I don’t know how to reach out to them. To make things worse, I don’t know how H will take it if I apologise to her and I don’t even know how to bring it up. (I don’t think she’ll even bother reading my apology) H was also a very close friend to me and I loved her very much. I treasured her as a friend a lot. And now it just kills me that all my friendships ended because of me and because I didn’t know how to vent my feelings properly, and end up shining everyone in a bad light unintentionally. I used to also vent about my problems with H and J the same way, but I don’t know if they know it. Should I admit it to them or not bring it up? Because i’m scared that bringing it up will make matters worse than they already are. I’m very lost in this situation and I’ve been feeling extremely stressed about it. I’m very stuck on what to do right now, and have no idea how to deal with it. I keep crying about this situation every day and dread even going to school because I don’t want to show my face and even worse meet them. H and K’s friend (let’s call her B) were looking at me in a bad manner this morning and I can’t help but feel even worse. I have been reflecting on myself these past few days and have come to understand that I have a victim mindset and am willing to change it. But as of now, I’m very lost on what I should do. The whole thing is stuck there and I don’t know how to move forward. And the more I’m stuck, the more I want to beat myself up because I was a terrible friend to them. I’m so lost, I really don’t know what to do in this situation. Please help me.
