hi. i’ll be quick with this
i’ve been friends with this person (whom i will call j here) for quite a while now. at first, i was excited to be friends with j. we interacted a lot with each other in the early stages of our friendship, chatted, texted, the usual stuff you would expect from friends. later on, quite quickly i would say, we started to open up to one another. i guess you could say we were close.
nothing much happens in the first half.
for the second part, just a heads up, i blame myself entirely for the whole situation. keep that in mind. i don’t blame j for habouring certain sentiments.
slowly, i started to resent j. it came as stabs of jealousy, when i saw j have want they wanted, i got envious. to me, they were better than me. and they looked down on themselves. i resented them even more. they had the things that i longed for. but i disagree with that notion now. they have told me they were struggling with their mental health, and i simply couldn’t apportion blame. i still felt that way, which made me feel bad.
of course, as time passed, i resented them more. i couldn’t bring myself to talk about what they liked. at the same time, they also slowly lost enthusiasm for the friendship too. i’ve noticed that we wouldn’t talk about the intimate stuff close to our hearts anymore. now, it’s just shallow, superficial interaction. it felt weird.
i guess this resentment also made me notice the things that i disliked in their personality. the small, yet so obvious pet peeves came into view. i shouldn’t be resenting them, i told myself. but the feeling kept growing.
i didn’t notice it at first, but i guess i stopped caring about mantaining the friendship. i didn’t bother to show any interest in whatever they liked. whenever i sent a monosyllabic message, i felt guilty. they also gradually stopped caring.
now, upon knowing that they felt exhuasted with the friendship, i have no idea anymore.
i’ve been on pinterest as of late. i feel guilty for not allowing them to talk freely about they things they enjoy. and by ending the friendship, suppose if they actually cherished the friendship, then i would be doing a huge disservice to them. i was single-handedly ruining their mental wellbeing. i really don’t want that.
at the same time, i still don’t want to out my heart and soul into mantaining this friendship. it’s exhausting, as they put it.