it's my fault that our friendship is severed now

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hi. i’ll be quick with this

i’ve been friends with this person (whom i will call j here) for quite a while now. at first, i was excited to be friends with j. we interacted a lot with each other in the early stages of our friendship, chatted, texted, the usual stuff you would expect from friends. later on, quite quickly i would say, we started to open up to one another. i guess you could say we were close.
nothing much happens in the first half.

for the second part, just a heads up, i blame myself entirely for the whole situation. keep that in mind. i don’t blame j for habouring certain sentiments.

slowly, i started to resent j. it came as stabs of jealousy, when i saw j have want they wanted, i got envious. to me, they were better than me. and they looked down on themselves. i resented them even more. they had the things that i longed for. but i disagree with that notion now. they have told me they were struggling with their mental health, and i simply couldn’t apportion blame. i still felt that way, which made me feel bad.

of course, as time passed, i resented them more. i couldn’t bring myself to talk about what they liked. at the same time, they also slowly lost enthusiasm for the friendship too. i’ve noticed that we wouldn’t talk about the intimate stuff close to our hearts anymore. now, it’s just shallow, superficial interaction. it felt weird.

i guess this resentment also made me notice the things that i disliked in their personality. the small, yet so obvious pet peeves came into view. i shouldn’t be resenting them, i told myself. but the feeling kept growing.

i didn’t notice it at first, but i guess i stopped caring about mantaining the friendship. i didn’t bother to show any interest in whatever they liked. whenever i sent a monosyllabic message, i felt guilty. they also gradually stopped caring.

now, upon knowing that they felt exhuasted with the friendship, i have no idea anymore.

i’ve been on pinterest as of late. i feel guilty for not allowing them to talk freely about they things they enjoy. and by ending the friendship, suppose if they actually cherished the friendship, then i would be doing a huge disservice to them. i was single-handedly ruining their mental wellbeing. i really don’t want that.

at the same time, i still don’t want to out my heart and soul into mantaining this friendship. it’s exhausting, as they put it.

so yeah.

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Hi @okay

Thank you for sharing with us about your feelings on this platform, it takes a lot of courage to be so authentic and I commend you for that. It sounds like you’re going through a difficult time in your friendship with J, and you’ve been carrying a huge amount of emotional weight. It’s a real challenge when jealousy and feelings of inadequacy start to affect our relationships, and I can see that you’re concerned about the well-being of your friend, J.

Sometimes, when the dynamics of our friendships evolve, the deeper connections may fade into more superficial interactions - and this can be disheartening. It seems like this shift has taken a toll on both sides, leading to a feeling of exhaustion and perhaps a mutual withdrawal from the relationship.

I can imagine how difficult it is for you; the conflict between not wanting to hurt your friend and also feeling unable to invest as much in the friendship is a tough place to be in. I want to affirm you, that it’s actually a very normal thing to feel conflicted about this, especially when trying to balance your own well-being with that of a friend.

Perhaps you could take time to reflect on your feelings and the reasons behind the strain in your friendship? I can tell that you care deeply about J’s well-being and want to avoid causing any harm, and at the same time it’s important to acknowledge your own emotional boundaries and limitations as well.

Perhaps you can consider discussing these feelings and concerns further together. Is there a way to communicate with J about your thoughts and feelings? It could provide an opportunity for open dialogue and perhaps mutual understanding, even if the outcome might involve adjusting the nature of the friendship. You could try out this tool (Mental Support & Wellbeing Resources in Singapore to Improve Your Mental Health | mindline.sg) as I can imagine how difficult the conversation might be.

Again, I encourage you, it’s not solely your responsibility to maintain a friendship, and it’s okay to prioritize your own mental health and well-being. It might be helpful to seek support or guidance from someone you trust, whether a friend, family member, or even a mental health professional, as navigating complex emotions and relationships can be challenging.

You can also try speaking to a mental health professional online if you’re more comfortable, and these are good options to begin with:

Limitless : Talk To Someone - Limitless
CPH chat : https://www.cphonlinecounselling.sg/hc/en-us
IMH CHAT : Home - CHAT
ec2.sg : https://fycs.org/ec2-sg

Ultimately, I feel that it is important to find a balance that respects both your feelings and your friend’s, while also taking care of your own emotional needs. It’s okay to prioritize your mental health and well-being while also considering the best way to manage the situation empathetically.

Please let us know how you’re coping and what are your plans moving forward, we’ll be here to support you.

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