Context:
So let’s name my best friend J, J and I were quite close, she was the popular one but often felt lonely as she only had a few close friends she can trust (me), while I was the opposite. We will help and support each other in every aspect of our life, I will go to her for every one of my problems. Recently, I was in HUGE, HUGE trouble, and I thought she will be willing to help me like she always did so I thought it was okay to drag her into this, ask her for help for my problems. I warned her that she might get involved and she say she didn’t care and wanted to support me. Which I misunderstood, I thought she meant she was okay with being involved and testify for me for the trouble I was going through. But I didn’t bother to check with her because I was going though one of the worse period of my life, it was so bad I wanted to commit suicide multiple times. and I just didn’t want to care about what she thought. But I shouldn’t have dragged her into this, I guess I felt relieved J was willing to help me and maybe she felt burdened with her problems, I forgot J was her own person. Anyways then my father started harassing her through my phone. Because I got into trouble, they wanted information and stuff. So he will randomly take my phone without my permission and start threatening her (with death threats). Which J lied to protect me, which made him even angrier. So J then told her parents everything, said she wanted nothing to do with me and threatened to report my father for harassment. She said she will not interact with me till this thing (the trouble) was over (but it is not, and prob will not for quite some time). I mean she could have just not talk about that not leave me when I needed her the most. I understand why she had to be “selfish” for her own and she was afraid for herself too.
My perspective: I mean ya, I shouldn’t have dragged her into this but I misunderstood her, I wasn’t the one sending her death threats and they was nothing I could do. I don’t deserve to be hated by her so much and the consequences is unfairly too much. I didn’t do anything with the intention of causing harm to J.
Now it has been 1 and a half month and she did show some signs she wants me to make up and apologize (which i am not ready for yet, ill elaborate later). She would try and talk to me about work and sit beside me but I don’t know whether she really wants to or she is just asking about work. The thing about J is that she doesn’t care about like anything. If I aplogize she might forgive me but doesn’t care about being friends again or see me as too much trouble to be together. But I need to make up with her soon. As soon, my extra-curricular team will be electing & voting for new leadership positions that I am interested in and J has plenty of influence. I’m grateful that J did not tell anyone about the trouble I was going through though.
But I am not ready to make up with her, I have gotten PSTD from that incident and now every time I see her, I will instantly be overwhelmed and I will be triggered of what have happened in the past (because she was involved too) , my heart rate will increase, I will lose focus. and I will start crying. I myself can’t heal from my trauma even though its been more than a month, J expects me to mostly be over soon.
Btw please tell me like what I did wrong or her perspective in this matter cuz I don’t understand. What should I aplogize for? Btw she said she would only interact with me till this thing is over, which isn’t and prob won’t be for quite some time, should I lie to her and tell her it is since she isnlt involved anymore?