I have been having problems controlling my emotions such as my anger especially around my friends as now every little miscommunication we have or disagreement we have will result in me leaving the friend group and distancing myself in order to give them “space” away from me and overall trying to better the situation on my own and letting my friends handle their own problems on their own ultimately seeming like I’m ignoring them even though the whole fall out was indeed my fault.
For context, I also have a history of constantly blaming myself for every mistake I make since childhood but there was a period of time I would blame others but that was fortunately corrected in time by my family members and I was taught not to blame others for issues I caused but now I would entirely blame everything on myself and in the end would cause me
-to break down easily, have feelings of nausea
-distancing myself from everyone in hopes of not affecting them (which takes a opposite turn of absolutely affecting them), then followed by attempting to run away from my problems by sinking into entertainment (games and video watching)
-either bing eating or not having the feeling of eating at all (I have a history of gastric but it surprisingly never acts up when I choose not to eat, but when I choose not to eat its mainly also to so called “punish” myself because I made a mistake and hurt others when my main goals in life are to better help everyone)
-scratch myself and ultimately cause injuries (has relations to the “hurting myself because I hurt others as a punishment”)
-and generally overall being stressed about everyone leaving me since I already don’t make a lot of social connections in life with others and tend to know people just by my own friends themselves introducing me, which leads to me overthinking that if I do something wrong, the whole world would know thanks to my friends and their connections they made as friends share what make them unhappy or upset to other friends as a way to vent, but then causes more problems to arise (generally adding on the fact that I overthink a lot)
Could anyone give me some advice (not meditation) to try and control my emotions and generally help me improve my communication skills if you have any advice to offer?
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I have been having problems controlling my emotions such as my anger especially around my friends as now every little miscommunication we have or disagreement we have will result in me leaving the friend group and distancing myself in order to give them “space” away from me and overall trying to better the situation on my own and letting my friends handle their own problems on their own ultimately seeming like I’m ignoring them even though the whole fall out was indeed my fault.
I also have a history of constantly blaming myself for every mistake I make since childhood but there was a period of time I would blame others but that was fortunately corrected in time by my family members and I was taught not to blame others for issues I caused but now I would entirely blame everything on myself and in the end would cause me:
-to break down easily, have feelings of nausea, distancing myself from everyone in hopes of not affecting them (which takes a opposite turn of absolutely affecting them),
-then followed by attempting to run away from my problems by sinking into entertainment (games and video watching),
-either bing eating or not having the feeling of eating at all (I have a history of gastric but it surprisingly never acts up when I choose not to eat, but when I choose not to eat its mainly also to so called “punish” myself because I made a mistake and hurt others when my main goals in life are to better help everyone),
-scratch myself and ultimately cause injuries (has relations to the “hurting myself because I hurt others as a punishment”)
- and generally overall being stressed about everyone leaving me since I already don’t make a lot of social connections in life with others and tend to know people just by my own friends themselves introducing me,
-which leads to me overthinking that if I do something wrong, the whole world would know thanks to my friends and their connections they made as friends share what make them unhappy or upset to other friends as a way to vent, but then causes more problems to arise (generally adding on the fact that I overthink a lot)
Could someone give my some advice on what to do and hopefully some tips (not meditation ) to help out with my journey to improving my control with my emotions?
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Thank you for reaching out to us on this platform and it must be tough to go through such emotions and experiences. I want to commend you on your courage in sharing and also to affirm you for being so strong in coping with these feelings for so long.
It sounds like you have been getting angry with yourself and being rather critical towards yourself when things happen. Sometimes, it can be due to a survival strategy as you do not want to repeat certain mistakes or trying to gain control over a situation. I hope that while you apply such coping techniques, you also learn to balance self-blame with self-compassion. Here are some suggestions for you to consider:
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Acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes and it is more about reflecting on what you learned from those experiences so you can make positive changes moving forward.
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Acknowledge and validate your feelings without judgement. Anger is an emotion that often arise due to threat, fears or a violation to one’s beliefs. It is a natural response that comes up as a defence to yourself and it is not wrong to feel angry. It is more about how you manage this anger constructively so it addresses the issue without causing harm.
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Consider external factors that were involved in the situation, which are out of your control. Instead of blaming yourself entirely, be fair and kind to yourself in considering the other factors. Sometimes, things happen and we try to make the best decision for ourselves at that point of time.
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Reframe negative thoughts into what is realistic and constructive, this could be helpful in creating a balance when you find yourself overthinking. People tend to overthink for various reasons, which could be caused by fear (failure, consequences) or desires (for control, positive outcome). It might be helpful to identify what is causing the need to overthink, to help yourself gain a balance.
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Talking to people might be helpful as well, if you have a supportive family or friend. It helps in gaining new insights into the situation and might also help you in seeing things in another perspective. Most importantly, reaching out to people can provide emotional support. It might be something that you are really looking for.
I am also concerned about you scratching yourself as a punitive approach. I don’t want you to hurt yourself, I am sure people around you would care about you in the same way as well. I see that meditation is not something that you find helpful, and don’t worry about that because everyone has their own ways of coping with emotions. I just hope that you are able to cope with ways that are helpful and not hurtful to yourself. Here are some alternate suggestions for you to consider trying:
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Deep breathing exercises – Find a comfortable space and position yourself comfortably. Take a deep breath in while counting to 5 and breathe out counting to 5 as well. While you are breathing out, imagine that the air leaves with your stress and tension. Stay focused on your breathing and cast aside other thoughts. Repeat until you feel better.
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Grounding exercises – A five-step exercise (5-4-3-2-1) can help to ground you in the present when you are feeling anxious. You would need to engage your 5 senses (like 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can smell, 2 things you can hear, 1 thing you can taste).
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Fidget toys – It can be something to keep your hands occupied and to provide sensory stimulation without causing hurt to yourself.
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Physical activity – It can be to walk around, jump a little, anything to release any pent-up energy within yourself.
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Identify your triggers. Think about what triggers and distracts you. What is the primary issue that is causing you to feel upset. Reflect on your past experiences. Were there situations when you felt triggered, what contributed to those feelings and how you coped with it then.
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Journaling. Track your reactions when you feel strong emotions or engage in certain behaviours. What was going on at that time, note your thoughts and emotions. Writing these down could help allow you to reflect on them more deeply. This can possibly help you gain insight or new perspectives to the situation.
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Self-care. Eat and sleep well. Having a balanced diet and being well-rested contributes to regulating mood and improving cognitive function. Take some time to engage in activities you enjoy.
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Positive self-talk: It is important how you speak to yourself. Focus more on your strengths and give affirmations to yourself.
Do take time to think about your strengths and what have kept you going thus far. I believe you have lots of positive qualities and abilities; and you need to focus more on that. From your sharing, it sounds like you are looking at yourself in a negative light and that will further discourage you. You are still seeking different ways to cope with your difficulties, and you have not given up even though it has been really challenging. I think this is something you really need to affirm yourself for.
I’d like to end off by thanking you again for your courage in sharing. Please know that you are not alone, and that there is hope for healing as long as you don’t give up on yourself. You’ve come a long way and we are here to support you.
Wishing you all the best!
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