Hi @User260610,
Sorry to hear the series of unfortunate events unfolding before you. The passing of your mother-in-law, your wife’s struggle with depression, her gambling addiction and the pending harrassment from loansharks.
I’m with you about the fear, judgment and anger that’s sitting inside you right now. It’s like your whole sense of a calm life suddenly broke open, and you’re standing there trying to hold yourself steady while everything feels unpredictable. Anyone in your place would be shaken. And the mix of things coming at you at once, it’s a lot. Your body probably reacted even before your thoughts could catch up.
I can sense you’re cushioning the blow for yourself. There’s doubt about whether you can believe her… doubt about whether she’ll repeat it even if you help… doubt about whether the trust you had was real. And all these doubts make it hard to offer help unconditionally, because deep inside you’re thinking: “If she’s unwell and struggling, what does it mean if I help her with conditions? What does that say about us as husband and wife?”
Maybe this is something to sit with gently, when you think about helping her, is the fear more about physical safety, or more about being blindsided again?
Right now, it’s okay to acknowledge that both parts are true. You’re traumatised from the sudden news. She’s traumatised from grief and depression. If we place blame on either side, the relationship gets smaller. But if we recognise both of you are struggling in different ways, there’s a bit more room to breathe.
One important thing, with loan sharks involved, safety needs to come first.
If there’s any sign of harassment: notes, calls, people lingering outside… please report it to the police early. It protects you, her, and any other family members at home. You don’t need to wait for something “serious” to happen before acting.
And you can seek support from Family Service Centres, they can help with:
• financial assistance
• debt management support
• safety planning for the home
• support for anyone vulnerable (children, seniors)
• counselling for both partners
Sometimes when a partner hides something this big, it doesn’t mean they didn’t care. It can mean they were drowning and didn’t know how to come to you. But that doesn’t erase the impact on you, the fear, the betrayal, the questioning of whether anything is stable.
Maybe when things calm down just a little, there’s space for a conversation with her, not to blame, not to justify, but just to name what’s happening:
- you’re afraid
- you feel betrayed
- you need honesty to feel safe
- she’s grieving, overwhelmed, and unwell
- and both of you need a plan that protects the whole family
It’s okay to be firm about safety. It’s okay to ask for transparency. These boundaries are not punishments, they’re the structure that allows both of you to work through this together.
If the stress becomes too heavy or you start feeling like you’re shutting down, you can also reach out to Mindline (1-771) or SOS (1-767). These places are not just for crisis; they’re for moments exactly like this, when the mind feels full and the heart feels scattered.
For now, the fact that this is painful, frightening, and still something that can be worked through with care and boundaries. Pause a minute to collect your thoughts and tell youself, one step at a time, seek help hel whenever you can.