Hubby’s mental health

Ask a Therapist Mental Health Conditions
1

I would like to share about my hubby’s mental condition and to see how my family can better support him. Thank you for your patience as the sharing is long. We are married since 2021 and have a child. In the past, he used to be interactive with family members and was seen as a friendly and thoughtful person although sometimes he would be in low mood and complaint about catching some ‘bad energy’ from somewhere. He would soon overcome it. He was a sensitive person and a little obsessed with getting things/feeling ‘right’ in his way that he could only understand. He has his spiritual practice with Qigong members. Despite this, he was caring and interesting to get along with. In around 2022, he approached me to say that it would be good for him not to talk anymore (practise no speech). Since then, he has become much quieter.

And earlier this year, his behaviour/condition got worst. He will clench his jaw hard then can begin to talk. He will tell us he does not need to exercise and brush teeth anymore. He looks unkempt to a certain degree such that he has a slightly messy beard as he uses scissor instead of shaver and not cleaning himself thoroughly. There is scant one to one interaction between he and family members. When I talk to him, he will pause and walk away or reply only later. He mainly speaks when he needs to inform.

So far he does not have other health conditions. He eats vegetarian meals (no eggs). His diet also seems restrictive. Sometimes he will just nibble a little, feel not right and throw the food away. I guess because of this and the lack of exercise, he has lost quite a lot of weight and muscle.

He does not interact with his Qigong friends and mainly spend time alone. His friend commented he does not know how he navigates his mind. His work has reduced to 2-3 days a week.

Recently he has shown a little improvement like replying msg in chat group and suggesting outings after a family conversation. Other than that, other issues stay.

I have suggested him to seek help but he will stare in air and does not respond. He is also someone that does not believe in therapy or willing to sit in 2 hours to talk to a stranger. By the way, he went to Uni and holds a professional job. He is in his early 50s. Major event happened recently is passing of dad in 2022 and arrival of child in 2024.

We suspect he has psychosis or OCD. How can we help him if he does not want to go seek mental help as this cannot be forced. I am concern he might stay the same or deteriorate. Any suggestions? Thank you.

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Hi @user6504,

From what you have described, it is concerning to hear that your hubby has deteriorated and that matters. It is quite a contrast from once friendly and thoughtful, now quiet, withdrawn, and caught in habits that look strange and worrying in such a short span of time. I can hear how much you’re holding: caring for a young child, grieving his father’s passing, and feeling unsure how to bridge the silence when he stares off instead of answering.

There were so many events happening from one to another, you mentioned that it started in 2022 post covid, and major events happened is passing of dad in 2022 and arrival of child in 2024. To be honest, that is alot of life changing moments for anyone to face in such a span of time.

COVID-19 has left many people with lingering effects, both physically and psychologically. For some, the isolation, fear of infection, and sudden changes in life routines have led to post-COVID trauma responses, things like social withdrawal, heightened sensitivity, rigid routines, even feeling “unsafe” around others. In people already sensitive to mood or spiritual energy, the pandemic period could amplify those tendencies.

But from what you described of your husband, jaw clenching, loss of hygiene, restrictive eating, staring into space, reduction of speech, and difficulty engaging, these go beyond what we normally see in post-COVID adjustment stress.

I would recommend that you reach out to your GP or polyclinic and share what you have observed. You can also reach out to the National Mindline 1771 and seek an opinion on what support you can lean on.

What’s important here:

  • COVID-related trauma could be one contributing stressor (like grief from his dad’s passing, or the transition into parenthood).
  • But the pattern now looks like it needs clinical attention, regardless of the original trigger.

It might help to frame it with him less as “mental illness” and more as his system being overwhelmed after so many shocks (pandemic, grief, new fatherhood). That sometimes lowers resistance to support, because it sounds less like a label and more like “your body-mind has been through a lot, let’s check it out.” Other means would be for you to invite a trusted qigong friend for tea, so he reconnects in a setting that is already familiar? those small re-entries can matter.

You’re right this cannot be forced, but you are also struggling with not knowing what to do. If his eating or weight loss worsens, or if you notice him unable to care for himself at all, it’s ok to reach out for urgent support (National Mindline 1771).

For now, do keep an eye onto the little signs of improvement you mentioned, replying to chat, suggesting outings, those are threads to gently build on.

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Hi @FuYuan_Affections ,

Thank you for your reply and I find your words comforting and helpful.

He does have a close friend in the Qigong group. However, he has also tried to talk to him but also cannot get through. I understand what you mean that small re entries do matter. The thing is how to ever get him seek professional help when he is already not responsive when I mentioned about it let alone sitting down with a therapist through many sessions. And also if he really does see a therapist one day and got diagnosed, will it affect his job/career?

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Hi @user6504 ,

Thanks for replying. when you wrote that even his close qigong friend “cannot get through,” it really showed how isolation and withdrawal have become his way of coping. in moments like this, the essence isn’t fixing him straightaway but attending, noticing and being near, keeping threads of connection alive.

I hear how helpless it feels for you. Sometimes we also imagine help as sitting through many long therapy sessions, and that picture alone can be discouraging. May i check if that’s what you had in mind? Often the first step can be lighter, like a short GP visit or a one-off consultation.

If directing him doesn’t work (and he’s not in a crisis needing urgent care), sometimes the way forward is indirect. For example, you could call mindline (1771) yourself, and a professional can walk through options with you. Every situation is unique, and having clarity can ease some of the weight you’re holding.

If he sees a therapist one day and receives a diagnosis, it simply means he needs professional help, much like someone with high blood pressure. It doesn’t automatically jeopardise his career; records are confidential and a therapist can also work with both of you on coping strategies.

For now, maybe we hold two thoughts: 1. He may not be ready to accept direct help yet, but you continue to help keep the connection so that he doesnt withdraw further. 2. Indirect steps, professional guidance for yourself, and keeping doors open without forcing them.