coping with break up amidst long term sickness of parent

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I’m an only child to elderly parents (both are 81 this year). In 2022, my dad’s Parkinson’s/dementia took a turn for the worse and the last few years have been a struggle for me. I live with my parents, and my dad needs assistance for daily activities. Thankfully we have a helper who has been a godsend. My mom has been strong and managed to adapt, she keeps a positive attitude and keeps busy with social activities. But I have not really found a way to get past my dad’s changes and I’ve been mentally and emotionally affected by it. Particularly his aggression. His yelling, shouting and moaning. He occasionally gets physical, although that seems to be a phase that comes and goes. Apart from that he is largely non-communicative. I work from home, and it feels like I’m constantly on edge, walking on eggshells and anticipating his next outburst.

In April, I went through a break up with my partner of 11 years. She felt that over time we stopped growing together. The break up didn’t end badly, and we are still on talking terms, but I’m finding it very difficult to carry on.

I feel alone, getting up in the mornings is a daily struggle, I’ve tried turning to my mom and close friends for support but that hasn’t really helped. I can’t seem to sit with myself and my emotions and find myself constantly needing to have distractions in the background (like a podcast or video). I feel like I have not faced something this difficult in my life before, and I question if I’m strong enough to get through this.

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Hey @user9699, it sounds like you’ve been hit with a lot all at once, caring for your dad as his condition has worsened, coping with his aggression and unpredictability at home, and on top of that, losing a partner of 11 years. That’s not just one challenge, but several life-altering ones stacked together. No wonder you feel exhausted, on edge, and unsure if you’re strong enough to keep going.

The way you describe walking on eggshells with your dad, never knowing when the next outburst might come, really shows how draining the environment has become for you. It’s not just about the practical caregiving but the constant emotional strain of being in a space that doesn’t feel calm or safe. And then losing your relationship at the same time has probably deepened that sense of loneliness and instability.

Wanting constant distraction makes sense as it’s your way of trying to quiet the pain and avoid being swallowed by it. But I hear in your words that part of you wants to find a way to actually sit with your emotions and heal, not just push them away. That desire in itself already shows strength :flexed_biceps:t2:.

You’ve been carrying so much responsibility, and it’s not something you should have to handle on your own. Even if your mom and friends haven’t been able to give you the support you need, that doesn’t mean the support doesn’t exist. It could help to explore professional support, or even caregiver support groups where people really understand what it’s like to live with dementia at home. Having others who get it might make you feel less alone.

You may not feel strong right now, but the fact that you’re still showing up for your parents, reaching out, and even reflecting on your own coping says you are strong :yellow_heart:, you’re just deeply tired.

If it feels manageable, what’s one small thing you could do each day just for yourself, separate from caregiving and heartbreak? Even the tiniest routine can start carving out space that’s yours.

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Hello @user9699,

from your post, it sounds like you’re really overwhelmed with what’s going on in your life right now - being the one holding everything together, be it in your family or your relationships.

it’s really not easy going through so much challenges at once, and definitely not something anyone should go through alone.

It sounds like you’re very drained, and I wonder if you have sought some support from professionals / someone who you’re able to lean on for support?

It also sounds like you have alot of thoughts in your mind and you need some distractions; I wonder if you took some time alone to process through your thoughts and feelings?

I admire your strength to get up every day, having to shift your work arrangements to care for your parents - while your dad has dementia, I’m sure he would appreciate having such a strong son like you.

From the way you mention how you’re constantly on edge, I’m quite worried about the unstable situation at home, especially how you mentioned that you were walking on eggshells and anticipating his next outburst. I’m wondering how you’re coping with it?

I hope you know that you’re not alone, even though it may feel like it. There are people who care for you, and are willing to help you if you reach out to them. You are mentally stronger than you think you are, never doubt that okay :flexed_biceps:

Take the time you need to heal, and don’t give up yet. I am rooting for you!!

Ping if you need someone to talk to. :flexed_biceps:

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Hey @user9699,

reading your words about your dad’s illness and the end of such a long relationship at the same time. and when you said you’re the only child not sure if you’re strong enough… its obvious that you are facing fear, tension and grieving all together…

it makes sense that you’d reach for distractions, it’s ok to say that out loud here. it doesn’t make you weak…

just wanted to check-in and make sure that you are safe right now? have any of those mornings felt escalated to you not wanting to keep going at all? im not sure what you have tried… sometimes, reaching out to a crisis line or a professional for the first time may not sit in yet… so please, have a look at the following and do try again and this moment, perhaps it could help carry some of what feels impossible.

Here are some numbers for you to call..

IMH’s hotline 6389 2222
Samaritans of Singapore (SOS) 1800 221 4444
The (CHAT) 6493 6500, 6493 6501
Fei Yue Community Services- EC2 LIVE CHAT http://www.ec2.sg/
TOUCH Community Services – TOUCHline youth helpline 1800 377 2252
Singapore Silver Line by AIC providing eldercare information to the caregivers and caregiver support services in Singapore 1800 650 6060

please do so when you get a chance, as you can see, all these are help readily available, so just reach out…

Having said, if you feel ready to respond here, please do so…

maybe instead of forcing yourself to “sit with it all” at once, you could try something lighter… like turning the volume down just a notch, or pausing the noise for a minute while you hold onto something solid near you, maybe your chair or your desk. just notice your hand touching it, notice your breath. then bring the sound back if you need to.

it’s not about facing everything in one go, it’s about finding tiny moments where you remind yourself you can survive the quiet for just a breath or two. and because you said this feels like the hardest thing you’ve ever faced, i want to ask… are you safe right now? sometimes the thought “i can’t get through this” can slide into not wanting to be here at all. if that ever happens, it’s really important you reach out right away, even if it feels hard…

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I think part of me wants to understand the feelings I have, and somehow grow or heal. I just have no idea how to go about doing that. Is it something that just happens naturally over time or is it something that I have to do consciously? If it’s something to do consciously, I have no idea where to begin, or maybe I am fearful to begin coz of the uncertainty and change.

I have joined a few Facebook support groups for dementia caregivers. It helps knowing that I’m not alone in this journey. In some ways, knowing the immense hardships that some go through as caregivers, it almost makes what I’ve been experiencing feel trivial, even though it doesn’t make things any easier.

I have been thinking of seeing a therapist lately. I think there was a point earlier this year where it felt I was adapting better to everything at home, but things kinda regressed after the break up.

A daily ritual I’ve been consciously doing for a while now is making coffee in the morning and just trying to be present in the moment while I have it. I’ve also been getting in regular exercise over the last few months and that has been helpful too.

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Dear @user9699

Thank you for reaching out here and opening up on what you have been going through. I’m glad you reach out for help. It’s a first step towards exploring practical ways to tap on available strategies, approaches and resources that could help you cope better and improve the situation.

Your feelings of overwhelm and exhaustion you shared are fully valid and understandable. I can see that you have been juggling many responsibilities and dealing with challenges. All of them have come together, demanding your energy and attention, and inevitably you are emotionally affected. Please know it’s also fully valid to have doubts about your ability to deal with the changes.

It does sounds like you’re living in a constant state of tension and vigilance: while working from home, you feel the need to be always alert for the next outburst from dad. I can see you are trying hard to manage your own emotions while also supporting your parents. You have described it as “walking on eggshells”. It’s deeply draining over time, and it makes sense why you feel like you can’t sit quietly with yourself and your feelings. Needing distractions like podcasts or videos is your mind’s way of trying to soothe you, and it’s a coping strategy.

I am also sad to hear of your breakup after 11 years. I believe there’s grief in letting go of that relationship. Many among us who have experienced similar break up experiences would attest it is common to feel disoriented, lonely, and suffer a loss of confidence about the future when relationships break down.

Please know you do not have to continue managing everything happening alone. I suggest you could reach out to professional counsellors, as they are trained to listen non judgmentally. They can help you process what is happening in your life in a safe space.

I also found some resources on caregiver support you could explore :
https://dementia.org.sg/csg/.

Furthermore do consider programmes for your dad such as : Dementia Day Care | Elderly Care Services | NTUC Health Elderly Care
It could provide an opportunity for your dad to try out activities that may help him in managing dementia and will give you some breathing space at home while he is away at the centre.

I note from your post that you want to learn how to face mornings and also sit with your emotions. May I gently suggest trying out small, manageable routines as a start such as a short walk, a set time for journalling or stretching, or calming practice like breathing exercises. For example, acknowledge the emotions, thoughts and sensations and make space for them and then continue focusing on breathing.

You fully deserve support as you navigate the challenges before you. You are certainly not alone, so continue reaching out whenever needed. I am confident you can come through this. :yellow_heart:

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reading this, it feels like you’ve already started to put your feet in the right direction, even if it doesn’t feel that way to you. the fact that you’re noticing your feelings, asking if healing is natural or conscious, joining caregiver groups, thinking of therapy, keeping a small ritual with your coffee, and moving your body with exercise… those are not small things. those are the kind of gentle, steady steps people often overlook in themselves.

what you said about your coffee ritual and exercise are important too, as often, the hardest part is that gratification doesn’t come straight away, and it makes you wonder if what you’re doing is even enough. but those little things you’ve been holding onto… they aren’t trivial. they’re like cushions that soften the weight a bit, or handles you can grab when the day feels rough.

healing isn’t usually one big moment, it’s these small steady pieces that build over time. so even if it feels like nothing’s changing, your system is slowly learning safety again. trusting that process can make the healing you’ve already begun more visible. it does get better, not all at once, but one small relief at a time.

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Tbh I don’t feel like I’m holding everything together especially when it comes to family. There are times when it feels like my mom and helper can manage caregiving without me and I’m emotional deadweight.

I’ve been giving a lot more thought to therapy, although there is a lot of choice out there and it looks like it can also get expensive quite fast. Are there many differences to in person therapy vs online video therapy?

I have been journaling any big thoughts and feelings I experience, but I’m not sure how it’s supposed to be useful, or rather I don’t know how to process all of that to get better.

The situation at home isn’t ideal, but everyone else seems to be coping okay. I got a pair of noise cancelling earphones that I would put on when things got too much, but there was a period recently where I stopped putting them on coz I felt guilty and that I might regret not being present for my dad in his illness.

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tbh waking up in the mornings feel the most difficult. Usually when things wind down before sleep I feel okay, maybe knowing that the day has ended and I can rest. Sometimes I get a craving for something to eat and I tell myself tomorrow I’ll make it for breakfast. And usually when it’s time to wake up that craving has gone. When I open my eyes and the reality starts to set in, I feel like not wanting to get up and face the day and it usually takes a while for me to actually get out of bed.

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Hey there @user9699

Thank you for even taking that step to reaching out here on Let’s Talk. Really appreciate you for being bold and seeking support :blush:.

As someone who knows a bit about social services, like therapy and counselling, yes definitely person vs online therapy has a difference, mostly because of the environment and setting you and the therapist are in. But at the end of the day, it is also about individual preferences. And yes I hear you, therapy can be expensive. Are you currently studying in which you have access to free therapy/counselling sessions?

Journalling is definitely a great start to reflecting and processing how you have been feeling about your dad’s illness, it seems like you may be experiencing caregiver burnout. There are actually many caregiver support groups, especially for alzhiemers, maybe you may want to give a shot at it! If I am correct, most of them are free to attend and you will get connected to other peers who are going through similar experiences as you are, which may help you with your feelings of isolation.

You are not alone in this journey and I am very heartened to see so many people who responded to your post and are willing to lend a ear! You are NOT ALONE. Feel free to reach out anytime to us :)!

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Hello @user9699 ,thank you for sharing this. I’m really sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. Being an only child caring for elderly parents is already a lot, and dealing with your dad’s worsening Parkinson’s and dementia sounds incredibly heavy. It makes complete sense that you’re feeling emotionally and mentally overwhelmed, especially with the aggression and outbursts. Living in that kind of environment can take a real toll on your sense of safety and peace.

You also mentioned your recent breakup, and even though it ended on respectful terms, that kind of loss after 11 years is huge. It’s another layer of grief and change while you’re already carrying so much. It’s no wonder you’re feeling drained.

Needing constant distraction is something many people turn to when emotions feel too big to sit with. That doesn’t mean you’re weak, it just means you’re doing what you can to cope right now. Reaching out to your mom and friends was a good step, even if it didn’t help as much as you hoped. Sometimes, the kind of support we need goes deeper, and this might be a time to consider speaking with a mental health professional who can hold space for what you’re going through.

You questioned whether you’re strong enough to get through this. But the fact that you’re still showing up, still reaching out, and still trying, that shows real strength. You don’t have to have it all figured out. One day, one moment at a time is enough. Be kind to yourself. You’re doing more than you know.

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Hey @user9699,

I’m very heartened to hear that you’re exploring ways to further support yourself, like therapy. I also agree with you that there’s alot of choices out there and can get quite expensive too :downcast_face_with_sweat: Perhaps it’ll also be good to consider if counselling or therapy would be more helpful for you? (Counselling would be more on helping you to explore your current situation as well as better managing those triggers while therapy would go deeper and would allows you to process the past / underlying challenges). I think the main difference for in-person therapy vs online therapy would be the connection, where in-person the person working with you will be able to see your non-verbal cues, but online therapy would mean just expressing what you’re comfortable with sharing since they won’t be able to really see you (but will be more convenient, saves time & most likely more affordable). It deepens on your preference as well.. and also adding on to @ilovemochi, if you’re currently studying, it would be good to have a chat with the school counsellors and depending on what you would need, they may refer you to services :flexed_biceps:

I’m encouraged by your journalling efforts despite being abit confused - personally when I journal, its more of venting out as well as having more clarity in my thoughts as I put them into words. It’s okay if after writing, you feel like it doesn’t solve anything - but rather to better understand your thoughts & emotions at that point in time - at the same time, it is also a way for you to understand your strengths / weakness / triggers / patterns which may be able to help with perhaps solving repeating issues? I’m also wondering if you have tried using journalling as way to brainstorm plans / solutions (be it making plans about your day / things to try out)?

The situation is definitely not ideal, especially being so instable or even demotivating sometimes.
It’s good to be present, especially with your dad’s condition. Yet it is also important to care for yourself too - so that you have the energy to really be there for your dad. Having noise cancellation earphones may seem like you’re shutting off everyone around you, but it’s a way to take care of yourself and rest too. Being guilty is valid - especially when you think from the perspective that “I wasn’t there for my dad when he needed me” - however, caring for seniors, especially with dementia, can be really draining, and over time can lead to burnout - so, must have time to care for yourself too - especially since you mentioned being an emotional deadweight which can be a sign of being really exhausted :frowning:

Take time for yourself, as well as explore options to further support yourself - you are doing good and I’m proud of you for being you. :flexed_biceps:

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