hello, i’ve been suffering from chronic exhaustion since primary five, and it’s really negatively affected my life. (im 18 now) i’ve tried both tcm and doctors, better sleep schedules, better nutrition, but nothing seems to work. people around me have advised that it might be a psychological issue. but i don’t want to burden my family with the fees of seeking professional help. even though they are willing to, i feel like it’s not worth it, because my issues are liveable.
for more context, a few years back i had a really depressive episode that lasted more than a year and even sparked thoughts of suicide. though im much better now, i struggle with addiction (not drugs) and i find myself always trying to escape my troubles by sleeping it all away.
i feel that i can’t properly express my feelings either which is why i’m reluctant to seek professional help too. I’m at that stage where I feel really lost in life, i don’t know what to do anymore, nothing much makes me happy and human interactions only leave me feeling even more exhausted than i already am. it dosen’t help that i’m struggling with schoolwork too and i can’t focus in lessons at all because of exhaustion. i practically fall asleep within 15 minutes of every lecture and its physically and mentally torturous to keep on fighting my own body every single day to try to stay awake in classes.
i’m starting to realise that my health issues may probably stem from a deeper psychological issue too. recently when i feel really sad, my stomach starts to hurt almost instantly. my appetite is small too. i don’t like eating, i don’t like socialising, and all i want to do is to run away and live by myself in an unrealistic world where people and danger does not exist.
furthermore, i feel intense grief whenever i am reminded of something i used to love as a child. i think that deep down, i’m not living the life that my soul is content with, no matter how much i try to just be pragmatic and farm grades. looking back, as a kid i was really anxious too, i’d be so scared that i would be arrested just because i accidentally threw a metal spoon into the dustbin during recess. It might seem stupid, but the fear was real. my parents passed most of my fear as overthinking, when in reality i’m not one to dwell on my thoughts actually. I find that the main issue is I can’t control how I feel, I don’t know what my body wants from feeling that way and I don’t know how to deal with it without seeking to escape from it.
I know a lot of people advise to sit with the feeling or talk it out, but sitting with it just hurts. writing it out makes me realise the problems are deeper than i thought. talking it out feels like no one thinks it’s serious. people around me keep saying to just live with it and focus on my studies. i get where they are coming from but im really frustrated that they think i’m not trying. I’m trying so hard that it hurts. it hurts so much that i really don’t want to go to school anymore. But that would just ruin my future, so what im doing right now is just hating on everyone and everything to survive. after all, anger is easier to deal with than sadness or grief.
i’m not sure what i want from sharing this, but i don’t really know what to do. i don’t have financial issues, not much family issues, i’m blessed with the ability to study in such a great country, and my problems look minuscule compared to whatever others are facing. so, yeah, i don’t know what to do.