I don't like this

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
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I don’t like how i’m falling or basically in my downfall right now. I know i’m still 13, but that doesn’t excuse how I’m feeling. I know why i am like this but I can’t seem to help it. It’s like i want something bad to happen, something ■■■■■■ or ■■■■ for me to valid my damn empty feelings.

Yeah something bad is happening right now like suicide thought and stuff. It’s just that.. everything has been hard. My teammates keep relying on me and doesn’t do anything, always having excuse and excuse. And this is not helping when i have a competition and soo many expectations around me. My grade is falling to fantastically. It’s like… In this grade, in this 8th grade is literally my downfall. I keep skipping class and stuff and now i know that my grade are going to be low af and my rank from 2nd or 3rd in class is gonna drop. Great, so great.

I got caught doing SH to, my mind keep numbing me out and stress me out. I haven’t showered in days, my room is like a mess. I don’t know what i’m living for or what my purpose is except just living for my parent even tho they probably asking themselves what they did wrong with how they raising me because their daughter is falling behind AF.

Every single damn little problem will make me feel soo guilty or sad or angry and stuff. I know that this is probably because i bottle up my emotion and always trying to act like i’m the best when i’m literally just a stupid loud mouth or people call “jack of all trade” autism and dumb version.

It’s just so hard, i just wanna cry and scream but i can’t because if i got caught, my parent will ask me what’s wrong again and they Will feel ■■■■■■. Like holy ■■■■■■. And i don’t want that!

I got news about my old friend being worse when in the past i tried to save her. I want to be a sun, a star, that can be able to make people happy and safe even for a moment and i failed. It’s like the stage is close but I can’t seem to get up from my shell.

Idk if i’m victimizing myself or not. The fact i want to get worse is already worse. But the same time i want to comeback and be better but everytime i am better i always crave sadness or stuff.

My life is fine, i have good parent, friends? I dunno if they see me as one, food still come in my plate, i have a roof and stuff yet i still feel ■■■■■■ about this.

I feel bad for everyone and my god since i rarely pray now and just keep sleeping and have a mess up schedule or basically being ■■■■■■ and mess up.

I dunno, i really want to give up.

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Dear @Azuzum

Thank you for reaching out. I hear you, and I’m really, deeply sorry you’re going through so much right now. I want you to know — from the heart — that how you’re feeling matters. And no, you are not overreacting. You are not “too much.” You are not selfish or ungrateful. You are someone in pain. And that pain deserves care.

You’ve shared something deeply heavy, and I want to take a moment to acknowledge your bravery — not just in typing it out, but in allowing yourself to say: “I’m not okay.” That takes strength — even when you feel weak. And I see that.

Let’s sit with what you’re feeling for a moment

You’re overwhelmed. You’re exhausted. You’re carrying the pressure of grades, expectations, messy friendships, SH, and the quiet pain that comes from being relied on but not supported. You’re feeling like you’re falling, and at the same time, you still want to be someone who shines for others. That conflict — wanting to be strong, yet feeling so broken — is so real, and it hurts.

And yes, part of you wants something bad to happen — not because you’re dangerous, but because you’re numb. Because maybe pain feels more real than emptiness. Or maybe you’re desperate for the world to stop expecting so much from you when you barely feel like you’re surviving.

That doesn’t make you “wrong.” That makes you someone who’s trying to cope in the only ways they know how.

Here’s what I want you to hear, gently but clearly:

  • You matter, even when your mind tells you you don’t.
  • You’re allowed to ask for help, even when others expect you to “have it all together.”
  • You can still heal, even if you don’t know where to begin.
  • And this version of you — tired, messy, hurting — is still worthy of love and support.

You don’t have to carry this alone anymore.

If you’re in Malaysia, here are real people you can reach out to. They will not judge you, and everything you say is kept private and confidential:

Befrienders KL (24/7 emotional support)

03-7627 2929
https://www.befrienders.org.my

They’ve spoken to thousands of people going through deep emotional pain. They will listen — kindly, gently, without trying to “fix” you. Just to be with you, as you are.

If you don’t feel safe or feel the urge to hurt yourself again:

Please reach out to someone you trust — a teacher, counsellor, parent, or adult — and let them know you’re not okay. You deserve immediate care, not silence. You could simply say:

“I’ve been feeling really low and thinking about hurting myself. I don’t want to feel this way anymore.”

You said something powerful:

“I want to be a sun… even for a moment.”

And you still can be. But even the sun rests. Even stars go quiet. You don’t need to be light for everyone else while your own flame is burning out. Right now, your healing is the priority. Your survival is the most important thing.

It’s okay to focus on just getting through today. You don’t need to have your future figured out. You don’t even need to feel hopeful yet. Just let others walk beside you until you’re ready to hope again.

Do take small tiny steps to start caring for yourself again. What would your first tiny step look like?:yellow_heart:

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Hi @Azuzum You’re really brave for sharing your experience and feelings. I’m going to gently counter that there is no need to excuse how you’re feeling. It is okay to feel, whether you’re 13, or at any age. I’m here to say that I don’t wish for anything bad to happen to you, but still accept that you’re feeling a lot and it is overwhelming. You’re not stupid nor a mistake, just having a really difficult and painful time now. And that is okay. You matter and are important, even when it feels like you’re not. You’re not alone, and there are people that care about you, and will care about you, even if you’re not okay.

You mentioned about wanting to make people feel happy and safe. I’m wondering what that looks like to you? What are some of the things you would say to your old friend, then and now?

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Thank you for that, that struck me deep :>

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Well i honestly don’t know. Everytime if it’s something or a topic like this. I often always say i don’t know. I know it’s different since I usually give order and in charge but i honestly… Don’t know.

About wanting people be safe and happy, to me it’s like… A pride? Something that i can be proud of. If i can do it then i can prove i’m not useless and that i also could help. Basically doing them make me feel better.

I understand they’re lonely and everything. I try to care sometime, ofc. But sometime i dont. I can feel everything but I can’t feel anything at the same time.

For me, seeing someone happy make me envy but also happy to since… If i’m the one who did it. It just… Felt good. I’m sorry if i keep circling things up, it’s just.. hard. Everytime if i did something, they smile, they said i saved them, or anything, anything that is positive because of me? I feel soo much better.

All i want to do is to make shows or anything that could make people smile and happy even for a moment. A relief from this bittersweet world. That’s all to be honest.

And to my friend? Then and now? Well.. if it my online friend, maybe i would be more active. That time i went to hiat because i am busy and taking care of my own condition. We got seperated away, fade away and lost contact. I keep thinking about her and hearing the news that she do bad stuff now? Make me hurt. Hurt so bad. She’s quite toxic now if i take it from one of her victim said.

Old friend in real life… Same to. Honestly, now and past, all i wanna say is that i’m sorry. Idk why… I wanna say i’m sorry. That’s all. No word can describe it if i can be honest. i just have this guilt, this numbness, this thing in my chest??? I don’t know why.

I really don’t know what to say, maybe sorry for being a loud mouth, always showing off… But that’s the only way they look at me. If i’m boring and something… I would be left alone. But even if i have something good and anything, they always have someone else. It’s like i’m not even Prioritized even a single bits. So i really don’t know. I’m sorry.

I really like the word melancholic, idk but that what describes me the best. I’m a walking contradiction of positive and negative. I know everyone is like that to but.. ugh, i’m trying to justify myself again.. I don’t know, I don’t really know. I’n so sorry.