I’m a teen and I was really depressed last year due to a short but incredibly intense series of friendship problems that reduced my self confidence a lot. I tried to take my own life. Now I feel like everyone is always judging me. Although Im not as sad anymore, I still find myself wondering if I shouldve done it. I feel so inferior to everyone else— I feel ugly and stupid and I just wonder whats wrong with me. Im incredibly gifted in my studies and I know this. But I wonder why my friends can do all that and more. My closest friend is everything I want to be and I dont want to admit that im jealous of her— of how carefree and pretty and well liked she is. I feel like ever since last years incident, I’ve always been sad and anxious. Im scared it will never go away. Why am I like this?
Hello @happeningswan685 thank you for sharing this with us especially with all that has happened last year. I read that your self-confidence has been reduced a lot and you feel like everyone is always judging you and i know it is always a very sucky feeling to feel that way. I dont know you but I just want to say we all have things that make us worthy as people and though it is hard to see it now, it exists and I hope you can see it in you one day. And it is valid to feel jealous of our friends especially if they have so many good traits, but know that sometimes, we accidentally compare the worst of us with the best of others, making it very upsetting. though it is hard not to compare with others, i hope you know that it’s just how comparison works if we refuse to see the good in us and only see the bad in others.
Also, to answer your questions on whether you should have “done it” above, I just want to say that sometimes, life gets very overwhelming and very hard to handle, but I am proud of you for continuing with it! and I hope you never lose sight of all the ways your own life is worth keeping. I hope you’ll work your way to happiness in the near future, cheering for you!
Hey @happeningswan685 ,
The way you described last year, it sounds like it was quite intense for you. Even if things are a bit better now, it seems like some of it is still affecting how you see yourself.
You mentioned feeling like everyone is judging you. I want to understand what that means for you. When you think people are judging, what do you feel they are judging you for? Is it linked to what happened last year, or more about how you see yourself now? When I hear that someone went through something like that, my first reaction is usually concern, not judgement. But it can feel different from your side.
You also described feeling inferior even though you know you are doing well in your studies. It sounds like your sense of self-worth depends a lot on comparison. When others seem more carefree, more liked, or more confident, it makes you feel like you are lacking, even if you have your own strengths.
The part about your friend shows that clearly. It is not just about what she can do, but how she seems to be as a person. If you are open to sharing, what feels hardest about not being that way right now?
You said you feel inferior to everyone else. When that thought comes up, what does it mean about you in your own words?
And about the thought “should I have done it”, I am glad you said it. Sometimes that thought comes back when what happened before has not fully settled. It does not always mean you want to act on it now, but it does need attention.
What you are describing can happen when thoughts, feelings, and behaviours reinforce each other. For example, comparing yourself can lead to feeling inferior, and that feeling then makes you compare more. Over time it can feel like it will not change, even though it can.
Handling this by yourself can be challenging, if those thoughts become stronger or harder to manage, it would help to speak to someone you trust, like a school counsellor or an adult. You can also reach SOS at 1767 or Mindline at 1771.
It makes sense that this has been tiring for you. We can take this one part at a time, starting with understanding what these thoughts mean for you.
Hi there, thanks so much for replying.
About the judgement question, I feel like its more about last year. Everytime I see my old classmates in the hallway, I think “Do they hate me because of what they think I did?” or “Do they know what (name) told them?” Everytime I see those 2 specific people who did all that to me, I always compare myself to them. I feel so small whenever they walk past me, especially when im alone and theyre with friends. I have lots of friends though. I feel like “Wow, they were right about what they said and how I’ll have no friends.” Theres this one girl (part of the 2 people), and she won an award that I was aiming really hard for last year. I was one mark away from beating her to it. It left me thinking “Wow, she has so many friends and this award, and I have nothing. She was right.”
I’m lucky I was promoted to a different stream so there is no one from my old classmates in my new class. I feel insecure around all of them— like I cant trust them because they “know” or because they will tell “them”.
About the jealous of a friend question, I feel like I’m so angry that she’s “closer” to all my close friends than me and that shes just prettier than me and she doesnt care about her studies. People always tell me shes so pretty or skinny or whatever but no one ever compliments me. It makes me really sad. In my current group of friends, who I’m so grateful for, shes in the same pair of sister classes as them (they all have classes together). Since I’m in a different stream, I rarely get to talk to them outside of recess. They always look like they have so much fun together, its like they dont even need me or miss me. She’s just so important to everyone and no matter what I do I feel like I can never measure up to that.
When I said I feel inferior, I guess it means that I don’t feel as “needed”. I know I have my own positive traits, but they totally pale in comparison to others. I take a lot of pride in my studies because thats all I have. I asked my friends to write one word that describes me and almost all wrote “smart”. I am intelligent, but in a world of models, einsteins, and social butterflies, I’m nothing. I just really want to be special and needed. I don’t understand how everyone but me is.
Do you have any advice for detaching my self worth from material things (eg: academics, looks, social life…)? Everyone tells me to focus on the things inside, but I really dont know either. I don’t know what kind of person I am.
Typing this out helped a lot. Thank you for listening. I dont want to tell anyone because I dont want them to think I’m as weak as they thought I was. I want to show that I can do it alone— just like I have been for the past year. But I think this is a small way for me to let it out. Thank you so much ^^
Hey @happeningswan685,
Thanks for replying… It sounds like last year did not just pass, it is still shaping how you see yourself now, especially when you are around those people. There is a lot of self-blame in the way you describe things, like your mind keeps coming back to “they were right” or “I have nothing”.
When you talk about judgement, it feels like there is a fear that what happened last year has defined you in other people’s eyes, and that it could leave you alone or pushed out. So when you see them, your mind fills in that story quickly. That can make you stay very alert, watching how others are, comparing where you stand, trying to read if you are accepted or not.
The comparison seems to run quite strongly. When they are with friends, when someone wins an award, when someone is seen as prettier or more liked, your mind turns that into a conclusion about your own worth. It becomes very all-or-nothing. Even when you know you have strengths, it does not seem to count unless it is “better” than someone else.
There is also a pattern where you turn things back onto yourself quite quickly. It almost sounds like your mind treats mistakes or losses as something you deserve, or as proof that you are lacking. That can make everything feel conditional, like you only earn your place if you meet a certain standard.
At the same time, your world right now seems quite tied to external validation. Studies, looks, friendships and these become the main ways to measure yourself. So when one area feels weaker, it affects your whole sense of self.
I also noticed something else in what you said. You value being able to handle things on your own, and you have been doing that for a while. And even here, choosing to write this out shows you can be open about what is going on inside, even if it is uncomfortable. That is not a small thing and this is you being true to yourself, your grit and tenacity and that is valuable. And this is exactly what it means without any ties to material things…
Rather than wanting to detach your self-worth from these material things. It might help to start noticing what you can feel okay about without needing comparison. Not what is “better than others”, but what feels steady for you on your own.
Which leads me to the next question. Who are you showing up for? Who are you being? When you tell yourself “they were right” or “I am nothing”, does it feel like a firm belief, or does a small part of you question it?
What you are describing can be understood as a pattern where thoughts, feelings, and behaviours keep reinforcing each other. For example, the thought that others are judging leads to feeling small, and that feeling then leads to more comparison and self-blame. Over time it can feel fixed, even though it can change.
To be honest, you do not have to carry this alone. If the thoughts about last year or about yourself become heavier again, it would help to speak to someone you trust, like a school counsellor. You can also reach SOS at 1767 or Mindline at 1771.
It makes sense that this has been building for a while. You have already started putting it into words. We can take this one part at a time from here, hope that you can feel and see that you are valuable.
Hello @FuYuan_Affections
About the part about speaking to SOS, I have done it before. I texted the number on one night that I felt especially alone last year, but I feel like it didn’t do me much help. I have tried to talk to a teacher about it. At the start of everything, these 2 people cut me off from all my friends. I walked into a fully filled classroom, expecting a seat to be saved. They moved the tables in such a way that my table would be the only solitary one left in the corner of the classroom. That was a breaking point for me in a way. I cried in the toliet for the rest of the 2 hour period. I really wanted to get help from a teacher— to talk to someone, but I backed out. I didn’t want anyone to worry about me. I’m proud of myself for writing this here— for talking about this without crying from shock for the first time in close to a year now. It was really sudden how they all turned on me.
Your questions were really thought provoking. “Who am I showing up for?” To me, that means being your best self to satisfy someone. I want to say for myself, but I don’t really think thats true. I’m doing this for my parents, friends, and everyone but me. Doing this doesn’t make me happy— it makes me feel useful.
“Who am I being?” That hit really deep. I don’t know who I am. I read your description, and I think its safe to say that I am a part of the LGBTQ community. I’m a girl, but I don’t look like one. My shoulders are too broad and I look like a guy. I’m smart enough to be salutatorian but too stupid to be valedictorian. I’m liked enough to have friends but not liked enough for people to have a good impression of me. I’m somewhere inbetween everything. I’m trying to find out who I am. Do you have any advice for that?
On the slightly brighter side, I did try to think of the things that make me, “me”. The things that I truly love without trying to perform for others. I love my Ahma and my family. I used to love mythology when I was younger. I love being a teenage girl and scrolling through social media. I used to love writing poetry to vent my feelings. I love it when I walk out of the MRT station and a cool breeze pushes my fringe out of my face, and when I get to wear my jacket when its cold.
But other than that, nothing much. People say I love a lot of things: shows, science, chess… but do I really like those? I’m not too sure myself.
When I tell myself “its all my fault” or “they were right”, I don’t think I completely believe it. Theres a small part of me that wants to think I didn’t do anything wrong— the same part of me that begged my old “friends” to see me as a living, feeling human. There’s a part of me who blames others for being so cruel and selfish, but am I any better? I can’t blame others because I am so quick to blame myself. I can’t stop it, and it tires me.
I want to believe that sometimes, it isn’t my fault. I am a good person who is someone unique and cherished. When I say that, I feel like a hypocrite. There had to be something I did wrong to make them act like that towards me, and I’ve been tearing myself apart trying to find it.
I don’t know how to stitch myself together— to feel comfortable in my own skin anymore. I don’t really know the person or the thing behind this face, and I’m scared. I want to stop this gruelling, Sisyphean cycle. I have always wanted to get better, and for the first time, I am finally ready to do it. Thank you for listening and helping me reflect. It means a lot to me.