these days, the weight of my loser self is starting to overwhelm me. comparison, the results of my tests, presentations. it’s all catching up to me. ever since i revealed my results to my family, they started to compare me to a close friend of mine who has always been a better one than me. she has always scores better than me and you can obviously see the stark contrast between me and her. she’s so much better. even without my family’s pressure on me, i put some on myself because i know i would never surpass her at some point. i never hated her still, i could never. it’s not her fault that she’s born better than me in almost every aspect. it’s just i hate that I’m close with her. every time i want to feel good about my own academic results my thoughts would immediately drift to hers. she has so much better grades than mine, always. idk why i’m ranting here instead of locking it. I’m tired honestly and I’m way too suicidal to not think about another way to off myself, that shows how weak i am. i don’t have anyone to talk to, that’s the worst. btw I’m getting ready for some scoldings from my teachers tomorrow for messing up today’s schedule and i want nothing more than to disappear or even better die
these days, everything started to overwhelm me even more. from my inner insecurities to my academics. my head has been spinning the worst today and this is my last resort lol. i have no one to reach out to and i have no choice but to always bottle things up to myself. im often carrying multiple problems with ease but i feel like this is my limit before i crash out. recently, i finally revealed my results to my family and obviously i didnt scored well hell did i even try? my heart was beating so fast when what i predicted would come out from their mouth was true and i felt like fainting lol. “what about your friend’s results?” this friend of mine is very dear to me, at the same time she’s my biggest enemy in the bush. i could never see myself beating her in any aspects at all and i feel like the worst person ever whenever i compare myself to her and when i see her as my opponent instead of friend of mine. she is totally unaware of it too, of course I’m a two faced person and I’m pretty much good at hiding my problems even if i knew i would die the next second. no one would ever know. the comparison from the past years and even worst now is really getting to me. it brings tears and resentment whenever i think about it. it’s never her fault that she’s better than me, that she works harder than i am but the comparing i cant help but do every single time is eating me up. the teachers making it obvious who’s their favorite amongst she and i is killing me too. I’m sure as hell whenever this one teacher is talking about someone“tumpang pandai kawan” is about me and her. i dont need to remind all the time. i do my work just fine, it’s just I’m weaker and not smarter than her. and instead of locking in right now, i decided to cry my eyes out for no reason. i have to prepare for the scoldings im going to get from my teachers tomorrow for messing up today’s schedule. i really want nothing more than to disappear or even better die
Dear @bunnyonmoon
Thank you for reaching out. I am glad you are seeking healthy ways to deal with what you are experiencing.
I observe that you are facing many areas piled up together including your results, your family’s reaction, the pressure from teachers, and the constant comparison. That is a lot for anyone to carry, especially when you’ve been bottling it up alone for so long. It makes sense you feel like you’re reaching your limit.
Please know that the way you feel about your friend does not imply you are a bad person. I gather that you care about her, but you’re also hurting from being compared and feeling like you do not measure up. Understandably, your self worth is affected when those around you constantly reinforce it. Do be gentle with yourself. Your friend and you are different and remember that you have your own strengths, too.
I see that you are currently overwhelmed and your body is trying to release everything you’ve been holding in. Thoughts such as you are “weak” or “not smart” are just thoughts; the mind is generating them but remember these are not the truth, nor are they useful. Place some distance between the non stop negative thoughts, ground yourself and come back to the present moment.
Please know you do not have to handle this difficult period alone any longer and there are healthy and safe avenues available. May I recommend you consider the following soonest to get the unconditional support you need during this difficult period:
If you feel you are in immediate danger, please call SOS at 1767 (available 24/7) or go down to the nearest 24-hour accident and emergency dept of a hospital.
Approach your school counsellor to process what you are experiencing in a safe and non judgmental space.
Alternatively you can call the national mindline at 1771 (operates 24/7) to speak to counsellors there immediately and they can connect you to the most appropriate resource to help in your situation.
You may also wish to explore grovve (if you are within the ages of 13 to 25). This is a youth wellness centre, located within SCAPE, that offers wellness-related programmes, workshops and free counselling services. You may click on the “Chat with us” button to book a counselling session at grovve. Link is attached here: (Discover grovve: Your Safe Space for Self-Care & Growth)
You don’t have to handle this alone. It would really help to talk to someone safe about what’s happening who can actually listen and support you. You deserve to be heard and taken seriously. Your life is infinitely precious and you matter. This difficult period will pass so keep your chin up and seek help soon.