I dont know whats wrong with me. Im not depressed or anything but Im so miserable. I hate myself. I have no social skills. I dont fit in. Im insecure. I overthink to the point of crying. I cant make friends. Everybody makes it look so easy..even my friends and my twin sister. Most of my friends are my sister friends. She was the one who introduce me to them. When I ask anyone how do you make friends? They would say just talk why are you so scared? I dont know. Whenever Im near people I dont know I get silent. I hope for people to talk to me. But nobody does. Im also jealous of my twin sister. She better than me in everything making friends, speaking up, drawing, leadership, comparing myself to her I feel pathetic and useless. I also suffer from little motivation. Most of times when Im not in school I feel like laying down in bed and watch my phone all day. I would still do the things I need to do like shower, whatsoever. But if nobody reminds me to eat I just dont eat like in holiday where there are times I plainly just forget to eat. I also think of hurting myself but I know im not going to do it. I wont do it cause Im a coward I know I would hate the pain. But if I were to see a duplicate version of me i would like to beat her up like how I imagine in my mind. I been feeling like this for years. I also like to pluck my hair out of boredom. To me..it doesnt hurt I like the feeling. Yet I hate it it makes me feel like Im weird. Im not normal. I hate that Im not normal. I feel like I dont fit it anywhere. Whats wrong with me..
Hey @ais ,
Nothing in what you wrote sounds defective or broken, at least not the way it comes across here. It sounds more like someone who has spent years being measured next to someone else and rarely being met as themselves.
When you grow up constantly compared, especially to your twin sister, it becomes very hard to believe that difference is allowed. Not being the louder one, the quicker one, or the more visible one can slowly turn into the idea that something must be wrong with you. That belief hurts, but it usually grows over time. It doesn’t appear out of nowhere.
Going quiet around people doesn’t mean you have no social skills. Often it means your system is cautious. Watching first. Trying not to mess it up. That’s not failure. That’s protection doing its job a little too well.
The jealousy you feel doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. It usually points to something unmet underneath, the wish to be seen without comparison, or to be valued for who you are rather than how you stack up.
Even the things you dislike about yourself, pulling your hair, lying in bed scrolling, forgetting to eat, look less like being “weird” and more like ways your body tries to cope when it’s tired or overwhelmed. Not signs that you’re abnormal.
One thing that feels important to say here is this: difference isn’t the same as broken. Some people are built to be outward and quick to speak. Others are built to feel deeply, to notice quietly, and to take longer to trust. Neither is better. They just need different conditions to feel okay.
You’ve been living with this for years, and you’re still reflecting, still trying to understand yourself, still showing up. That matters. What you’re carrying deserves to be taken seriously, not brushed aside because other people seem to have it easier.
You don’t have to become someone else to belong. You don’t have to compete with your sister to be real. For now, it’s enough that you’re here, saying honestly how hard this has been. You’re not a lesser version of anyone. You’re a person who hasn’t yet been met in the way you need.
@ais,
Reading this, I sense you’ve felt lonely for years, not just around others but inside your own experience. Being a twin seems to make this harder, because comparison can be constant and quietly overshadow your sense of who you are outside of it.
When you talk about going silent around people and hoping they’ll come to you, it doesn’t sound like you don’t know how to connect. It sounds more like you’re staying alert and holding back, rather than feeling able to step in. A lot of people learn this when standing out or initiating hasn’t felt safe, or when they’ve spent a long time in someone else’s shadow. Over time, that can start to feel like “this is just who I am,” when really it’s something you learned to do to get through things.
The lack of motivation, staying in bed, forgetting to eat, or pulling your hair don’t come across as laziness or strangeness. They read as someone coping the best way they know how, while also feeling ashamed that they need to cope at all.
You mentioned thinking about hurting yourself while also knowing you wouldn’t act on it. It sounds like a lot of emotion with nowhere safe to go and that’s heavy to carry, not something you should have to carry alone.
Some people find it helpful to talk these thoughts through with someone they trust or a professional, not because something is “wrong,” but because it can make the feelings feel less overwhelming and less isolating.
I don’t see someone who “has something wrong with them.” I see someone trying to survive quietly, without much space to feel seen, and that can make anyone feel lost.
I just wanted to say that your experience makes sense, and I’m really glad you shared it. And I’m here to listen if you would like to talk more. Take care.
Thanks for sharing @ais . I don’t think there’s something “wrong” with you. I think you’re exhausted from constantly comparing yourself, from feeling invisible around people, and from carrying so much self-criticism inside. That kind of pain can make anyone feel miserable, even if they’re not clinically depressed. Feeling this way for years would wear anyone down.
I hear how hard social situations are for you. Freezing up, going silent, hoping someone will talk to you that isn’t a character flaw. That’s anxiety and fear showing up in your body. When people say “just talk,” they don’t understand how overwhelming it feels when your mind goes blank and your chest tightens. I don’t think you’re scared for no reason and I think you’ve learned, over time, that being seen feels risky.
The comparison with your twin sister sounds especially painful. I can imagine how cruel your inner voice becomes when the person you’re compared to is right beside you all the time. That doesn’t make you pathetic, it makes you human. Anyone would struggle growing up in someone else’s shadow, especially when they already feel insecure.
The low motivation, staying in bed, forgetting to eat: to me, that sounds less like laziness and more like emotional burnout. Like your system is running on empty. And the hair pulling, the violent thoughts toward a “duplicate” of yourself , those sound like ways your feelings are trying to come out when they don’t have anywhere else to go. It doesn’t make you weird. It tells me you’re holding a lot inside.
I also want to say this gently: thinking about hurting yourself, even if you know you won’t act on it, still matters. It doesn’t mean you want to die, it often means you want the pain to stop, or you’re angry at yourself and don’t know where to put that anger. You’re not a coward for not wanting pain. Wanting relief is not weakness. You don’t have to figure this out alone. Talking to a counselor, therapist, or trusted adult doesn’t mean something is “seriously wrong”, it means you’ve been carrying this long enough. You deserve support that doesn’t compare you to anyone else, not even your sister.
Nothing about you here sounds hopeless. You sound like someone who feels unseen, anxious, and tired and those things can change, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. You matter, exactly as you are, even on days when you don’t believe that yet!! <3
Im not really compared with my twin sister. Im the one comparing myself to her. Im jealous of her, she is everything I wanted to do and be.
I hear how much pain you’re carrying right now. It sounds like you’re dealing with intense feelings of isolation, self-criticism, and comparison, especially with your twin sister. The social anxiety you describe, where you go silent around new people and overthink to the point of tears, must be exhausting. I also hear that you’ve been struggling with low motivation, forgetting to eat, thoughts of self-harm, and hair-pulling behaviours that you feel conflicted about. You’ve been feeling this way for years, and that weight of not feeling normal or like you fit in anywhere is clearly taking a toll on you.
I’m wondering, do you have any support right now, whether that’s family members you can talk to, such as friends, a school counsellor, or any other resources? The struggles which you are describing could really benefit from professional support. A counsellor or therapist could help you work through these feelings of inadequacy, the social anxiety, and the behaviours like hair-pulling that are concerning you. If you’re not sure where to start, speaking with a school counsellor might be a good first step, or reaching out to a mental health helpline. You don’t have to carry all of this alone, and seeking help is a brave and important step.
Link to Professional Mental Health Resources:
https://www.mindline.sg/mental-health-service-providers/start
@ais Thank you for explaining that, helps me understand your experience more.
Growing up with a sibling, especially a twin, can feel like living beside a mirror that never turns away. Even when no one else is comparing you, the comparison can feel quietly present, like background noise you can’t switch off.
Seeing her become things you hoped to be can hurt in a very deep place — not just envy, but a quiet grief for the version of yourself you wish had unfolded differently. It’s not just “I wish I could do that,” but “why am I not like that?” or “why are we so different?”
Feeling jealous in a situation like that doesn’t make you a bad sister. There’s nothing wrong with feeling that way. It often means there’s a part of you that feels unseen or left behind, while your strengths are still waiting for their own space to grow.
Right now the differences probably feel loud, and your own path harder to see. That’s painful and lonely. But this moment isn’t the final definition of who you are, even if it feels heavy right now.
I’m here with you, and we can talk about this at whatever pace feels comfortable.
If you feel like sharing, I’d like to understand more about when you first started noticing this difference between you two. And if talking to someone in your own world, a friend, family member, or even a professional, feels helpful too, you deserve that kind of support.
Take care 