feeling of not belonging

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
1

Im not sure if this is normal.

but i see cool people online and everywhere in my life and i want to be them but i cant. I have the urge to close myself off like these characters from tv shows but thats the opposite of me and i feel like i dont belong in my own skin anymore. Im conflicted between staying true to myself and wanting to be different cus i know once im in school i cant disapear how i want too i have to be big confident funny ect.Im just not sure how to feel about it

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Hi David,

I hear how torn you’re feeling right now. It sounds like you’re caught between who you naturally are and who you think you need to be, especially when you see people online or around you who seem so effortlessly cool and confident. That pressure to be big, confident, and funny at school when it doesn’t feel authentic to you must be really exhausting. The feeling of not belonging in your own skin is such a painful place to be, and I can understand why you’re conflicted and unsure.

This feeling is especially valid in the age of social media and digital influencers who fill our Intsagram feeds with the latest iPhones, brand new penthouses, and high-fashion clothing. This creates a “comparison trap,” making people feel inferior when they lack the material luxuries these so-called influencers flaunt.

I’m curious, when you notice yourself falling into that comparison trap with people online or around you, what do you think might help you reconnect with yourself in those moments?

Here are some questions for your consideration:

  • What are your thoughts on things like taking a break from social media, journaling about what you actually like about yourself, or spending time doing activities that make you feel genuinely good rather than performing for others?
  • What would staying true to yourself actually look like for you, and what small steps might help you honour that part of yourself even in school?
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Hi @DavidDavido,

I noticed how struggled you sound and now being stuck between those two pulls can leave anyone feeling uncomfortable in their own skin.

Wanting to close yourself off doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Often it’s a sign of wanting some space from pressure especially when being around others starts to feel like performing rather than just existing. It makes sense that you’d feel unsure about how to feel when neither option really fits.

What I hear is not that you want to stop being yourself, but that you’re trying to understand where you’re allowed to be yourself. That’s a real and common tension, especially when you don’t have the option to disappear or take a break from school life.

For now, it might help to simply notice when that urge to pull away shows up. In those moments, does it feel more like wanting rest, or wanting to avoid being judged?

It’s okay if you’re still unsure. Feeling this way doesn’t mean you’re lost, it usually means you’re in the middle of understanding yourself better.

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Hey @DavidDavido, it sounds like you’re experiencing a dilemma with regards to how you want to present yourself and how you are ‘expected’ to act in a public setting. I understand that it may be difficult to truly fit into places where you may feel unwelcomed, causing you to be someone you are not. Putting up such a charade can be exhausting and I just want to gently ask if there’s anyone at school you can ‘tune down’ in front of? Tune down in the sense that they know the real you and you get to be yourself around them. I think the truest friendships are ones where both parties are accepting of one another. In an environment like school where you spend majority of your time at, it is vital to have someone that you are truly safe with and feel comfortable around.

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the only thing about that is in a world filled with social media how can we really take a step back and get off social media and i have trouble really getting off it and with motivation to do work these days its like im adicted. i cant not go on social media anymore

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its mostly the feeling of scared of being judged i get that all the time. but its like playing a character sometimes, its not the real me and i dont even realise it when im with my friends and idk if thats good or not?

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When you’re scared of being judged often enough, the body learns to protect itself by adjusting; tone, humour, confidence, reactions before you even have time to think. So “playing a character” doesn’t mean you’re fake. It usually means you’ve learned how to stay accepted or avoid standing out too much.

What makes this confusing is that part of you can function socially that way, and another part of you is quietly asking, “is this actually me?” That question alone tells me you’re still very much in touch with yourself even if it doesn’t feel clear yet.

Instead of getting caught up in whether this is “good or bad”, that character is a short-term shield. The issue is usually not that it exists, but whether you ever get space to put it down.

I’m curious about one thing, when you’re with your friends and this character shows up, do you feel more relieved afterward
 or more tired?

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it makes me feel quite tired after but ive always put it off as being the “social battery” and i dont even notice sometimes until im like really tired.

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What you’re starting to notice now is important. You’ve named the feeling, being scared of being judged and you’ve also noticed what happens next, slipping into a character without really choosing it.

That character isn’t a flaw. It’s a response. It shows up because something underneath feels risky.

Instead of asking whether being in character is good or bad, it might help to pause and ask what it’s trying to protect you from. Usually, the fear of being judged isn’t just about people having opinions. It’s about what those opinions might mean, being seen as awkward, boring, or not enough, or not really belonging.

When that meaning feels heavy, it makes sense that you’d adjust yourself without thinking. The effort helps you get through the moment, even if it leaves you tired afterward.

The thing that gets in the way of being more like yourself usually isn’t a lack of confidence or personality. It’s the sense that being yourself in that space might cost you something. Hence the character steps in to lower that risk and it pulls you further from who you actually are.

You don’t need to force yourself to stop doing this. That tends to make things harder. A gentler step is just to get curious about the fear underneath it. If you’re open to one question to sit with, it could be:
If I didn’t put on that character, what am I afraid people would see and what would that say about me?

There’s no need to rush this. Understanding what’s in the way usually comes before feeling more like yourself again.

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Hi @DavidDavido,

Yeah, that feeling makes a lot of sense. Social media is literally designed to hook your brain, so it’s not a personal failure that it’s hard to step away. And honestly, “getting off completely” isn’t the only option anyway.

There are gentler, more realistic ways to manage our relationship with social media. Things like setting time windows instead of bans, muting or unfollowing accounts that drain you, moving apps off your home screen, or even using social media as a reward after you do a small task can help loosen its grip. Progress here looks more like adjusting the volume, not ripping out the speakers entirely.

Resources:

https://www.nlb.gov.sg/main/site/learnx/learnx-digital/adults-seniors/Digital-Wellbeing

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thing is i got rid of it yesterday and i already feel so much better about it. Ive done so much work in the past 2 days more than i would in about 3 days and i just hope it continues like this now