So I’m a girl (16) and everytime I’m with a group of people, it doesn’t matter if its family or friends, I feel like i’m just there but i’m not part of them. Like I have two sets of family because my parents divorced and remarried. On my dad’s side, i’m the middle child, and the only girl of four brothers (24, 17, 14, 13), one of which has autism. I myself has ADHD, the inattentive kind. On my mum’s side, i am the second eldest, with one younger brother (13) and one little sister (8). On both sides of my parents i don’t feel like i’m a part of them. Something to note is that my 17 year old brother shares the same parents as me, which means him and I are not half siblings or stepsiblings, we’re biological siblings.
On my mum’s side, it constantly feels like I’m her least favourite child. My mum keeps telling me that I talk too much. I don’t think that she loves me, because of the difference in how she treats my older brother compared to me. With my older brother, she constantly talks to him, shares things with him, and is really close with him. However, with me, it feels like she’s only acting out of obligation as my mom, i don’t think she actually wants me. Even with my little sister, she’s really affectionate, calling her nicknames, yet she’s never voluntarily been affectionate to me, i usually initate it. And sometimes when I look at the entire family from behind, they look complete without me. And yeah, sometimes I feel really jealous. I feel like i’m not good enough. If I did ballet, and was good at it, would she love me like she loves my younger sister? If i did sports and thrived in it, if i had no academic struggles, and if i didn’t get excited and talk too much, would she love me like my younger and older brothers? I don’t know how to tell her without seeming like i was being ungrateful or things like that, because i am grateful for what she does for me, like giving me food, and shelter, but i just want to be loved.
Then, on my dad’s side, I feel like my dad really, really loves my brothers, and i’m just kept around as spare help. Because my dad would ask me to do things, like wash the dishes, start the dryer, fold the laundry, etc, when i’m studying and my brothers are just sitting on the couch on their phones or playing their phones. And when they are together, their conversation flows smoothly, but things get awkward between me and him. My dad also refused to acknowledge that I have ADHD despite the doctor giving the diagnosis. Not to mention, when he gets mad at me, he often calls me stupid and that honestly stings. I am constantly on the edge, the house doesn’t feel like a home, i feel like everything can be faulted for against me. I hate this.
In my friendgroup, I’m always the first one there for every single one of them, giving the comfort and advice, but when i have problems, and i feel like exploding, i geniunely don’t know who to turn because I realise, I don’t actually have anyone who’d pick up the phone, so i fold into myself. If you took 3 flips through my diary, you’d see me screaming for help through the ink of the pen and the paper. Around them, i seem like the happiest person, constantly making things fun, making everyone smile, and that’s because I never want any of them to feel alone when their at their lowest, so i’m not complaining that they come to me when everything feels too much, but sometimes none of them really seem to want me around when they are at their highest. They seem to only need me for emotional needs. Like all of them had told me to my face that if it was between me and another of their friends, they’re more likely to pick their friends and they passed it off as a joke, adn I’ll laugh with them, even though i geniunely cannot stop thinking about it.
These are some examples, but you get what i mean. I’m always there but i’m not part of them. They somehow always look more complete without me. I always feel like i’m the spare child, like maybe without me around, they would have been a lot happier, with one less burden. Over the years, I gotten quieter, much more to myself at home. With my friends, I just put on a front and act like everything’s okay because I’m scared that they’ll leave me for being too emotional. I really really just want to feel loved, i want to feel like i belong, i want to feel like i’m worth something, like i mean something to someone, i’m so tired of trying to fit in, tired of being the strong one, the one that has the solutions. I’m so tired of screaming with no sound. I just want to be chosen without conditions, without having to give anything in return. I want someone to look at me, and tell me that they’ll pick me first in a room full of people, i don’t want to have to keep putting people as my first choice, knowing damn well they will never see me as theirs. I hate it, this feeling, it’s so pathetic. I hate feeling this way all the time, it feels like i’m never good enough, even when i’m at my limit. It’s always starting with soemthing small, and than it spirals. I feel like i wanna cry, but i haven’t done that in so long, i forgotten how. i want to ask for help but it feels like no mater how much i scream, no one’s coming to stay with me through the dark. I just want someone, anyone to sit with me. I feel so close to just jumping, but i don’t know who to talk to.
