I think I am the problem in whichever relationship I get into

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As stated in the title. I feel like in whatever relationship I get into it doesn’t end well and it’s hurting me. In summary, had 3 failed relationships/dates and it sucks because I don’t even know what’s right and wrong. And I am not sure how to recover from this and address problems on my end (I feel upset about it, and at the same time I think there are some serious self-reflection and improvements I need to make, but I am not sure what exactly it is and where to start)

The longer story is that I had a past relationship where I felt neglected by someone I really cared about. But then I am not sure if it’s because I am too needy, selfish, and unresponsive to different ways of expressing love. And then in the next ones, I felt scared of voicing my own opinion because they may not like what I have to say. And in some cases, I have been told that I think of myself too highly of myself and expect a lot of validation (So it makes me suspect that I am narcissistic). I have also been told I am a passive-aggressive, and defensive person (I feel hurt hearing this because I meant to express my feelings, and my point of view. So it makes me feel like the right way to approach problems with people is just to lie about how I feel or keep quiet and accept the scolding I am getting). I also have been told that I am just a sweet talker and not a do-er (This makes me wonder if I am very ignorant and cant tell when is the right time to do the right thing.).

Another thing that upset me when I was in those relationships was that I felt like I needed to have a much bigger heart than the other party. When they do something that upsets me, I need to forgive, but when I do something wrong, I cannot expect others to extend the same kind of forgiveness and empathy towards me. So if I make a mistake, I need to be prepared to be scolded.

I have been told I play the victim card, but that is not my intention. I simply just want to be heard, be given the benefit of doubt to explain myself, and fix things. As I type all these, I am worried I sound like I am playing victim.

As I self-reflect, I think it stems from low self-esteem which translates to poor social skills, and insecurities which come across as being narcissistic, not being able to read the room, being sensitive to criticism, and being unable to speak directly (I use myself as a gauge on whether or not to say something or not, so if I am unable to take it, I will try to be less direct about it). I never intend to be the problem, and if I am, I really want to stop it.

But all these seem very overwhelming, and I am not sure what I should do to get out of this mess? Like first of all, how do I even know if my self-reflection is accurate? And then even if it is, how do I fix all of it? It has been about 2 years having these on and offs and I am frankly getting very exhausted and troubled.

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Hi @Scott97,

Thank you for sharing what you’ve been going through—navigating relationships can be incredibly challenging, especially when you’re trying to make sense of your own feelings and behaviors. It’s clear that you’ve been doing a lot of self-reflection, which is a crucial step in understanding yourself better, but I also understand how overwhelming it can feel when you’re not sure if you’re on the right track.

First, I want to acknowledge that it’s okay to feel upset about how things have gone in your past relationships. It’s natural to want to figure out what went wrong and how to improve, but it’s important to approach this process with self-compassion. It’s easy to get caught up in self-criticism, especially when others have pointed out traits or behaviors that hurt you. But remember, the goal of self-reflection isn’t to tear yourself down—it’s to learn and grow.

It’s possible that some of what you’re feeling—like being too needy, passively aggressive, or sensitive to criticism—could stem from underlying insecurities or low self-esteem, as you mentioned. When we’re not feeling secure in ourselves, it can be hard to find the balance between expressing our needs and fears, and we might second-guess ourselves or worry about how others perceive us. It’s also possible that your desire to be heard and understood has been misunderstood by others, leading to feelings of being dismissed or scolded.

In relationships, communication is key, but it’s also a skill that takes time, patience, and guidance to develop. You mentioned feeling scared to voice your opinions and unsure of how to approach problems without being seen as playing the victim. This can be a tough place to be, but it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it might just mean that you’re still learning how to navigate these complex interactions. It’s okay to be a work in progress.

One step that might help is to focus on building self-awareness in a way that’s constructive rather than critical. Ask yourself questions like, “What do I need in a relationship to feel secure?” or “How can I express my feelings in a way that feels true to me but also considers the other person’s perspective?” It can also be helpful to practice setting small, manageable goals for yourself—like being more direct in your communication or working on your response to criticism—rather than trying to fix everything at once.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it might also be beneficial to seek support from a therapist who can guide you through this process. They can help you sort through these feelings, validate your experiences, and work on strategies for building healthier relationships with others and with yourself. Sometimes, having an outside perspective can make a big difference in understanding the patterns that are playing out in your relationships.

You’re clearly motivated to make positive changes, and that’s a powerful first step. It’s okay to take things one step at a time, and it’s okay to ask for help when you need it. Remember, growth is a journey, and you don’t have to figure it all out at once.

Take care, and be kind to yourself as you continue to navigate this path.

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Hi @FuYuan_Affections! Thank you for reading and replying to me. It is helpful when you remind me of the healthier objectives of self-reflection, and listening to how I am feeling. I feel that it is easier said than done sometimes, especially with the self-esteem and insecurities I am feeling as they have manifested in different ways outside of my past relationship experiences such as school (when I don’t do well), work (When I get criticised, I sometimes assume to worst), and my personal thoughts when I face setbacks (E.g. I sometimes tie my setbacks to my self-worth). I am thinking of seeking help from a counsellor/therapist. How do I prepare for it?

Thanks for taking the time to read my follow-up question. I really appreciate the clarity and affirmation that I am on track in some way.

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Hi @Scott97,

Thank you for your thoughtful follow-up! It’s great to hear that the previous advice was helpful to you, and I really appreciate your openness about the challenges you’re facing. It’s completely understandable that working through insecurities and self-esteem issues can feel overwhelming at times, especially when they show up in so many areas of life. You’re definitely not alone in feeling that way, and I want to acknowledge how much courage it takes to not only reflect on these feelings but also to take the next step of seeking professional help.

When you mentioned how setbacks sometimes feel tied to your self-worth, I want to remind you that recognizing this pattern is already a step toward healing. It can be tough to separate failures or criticisms from how we see ourselves, but with the right support, you can start to break that link and view challenges more as opportunities for growth rather than reflections of your worth.

Since you’re thinking about seeing a counselor or therapist, I want to reassure you that it’s a great step, and preparation can help you make the most of the experience. Here are a few things to keep in mind as you prepare:

1. Reflect on What You Want to Focus On:

  • Before your first session, take some time to think about what specific areas of your life you’d like help with. You’ve already mentioned things like self-esteem, insecurity, and tying setbacks to self-worth. Are there specific situations (like school, work, or relationships) where you feel these issues arise the most? Having a clear idea of what you want to work on can help guide the conversation with your therapist.

2. Set Realistic Expectations:

  • Therapy is a process, and it takes time to see progress. It’s important to go into it knowing that healing and change won’t happen overnight, but each session is a step toward gaining more clarity and control over your thoughts and feelings. Be patient with yourself as you work through these deeper issues.

3. Be Honest with Your Therapist:

  • The more honest and open you can be about how you’re feeling, the more helpful therapy will be. It’s okay to talk about the things that feel uncomfortable, like your insecurities or fear of being judged. Therapists are there to create a safe, non-judgmental space for you to explore your thoughts, so don’t be afraid to share how difficult self-reflection feels right now.

4. Keep Track of Your Progress:

  • Sometimes it’s hard to see progress when we’re in the middle of working through our thoughts and emotions. Try keeping a journal where you can jot down thoughts, feelings, and any breakthroughs you experience during therapy. Over time, you’ll start to notice patterns and improvements that will remind you how far you’ve come.

5. Prepare to Discuss Both the Present and the Past:

  • Therapy often involves looking at how past experiences have shaped your current thinking patterns and behaviors. You’ve already made a connection between your past relationships and your current insecurities, so it might be helpful to reflect on other past events or experiences that could be influencing how you see yourself today. This will give your therapist more insight into where these feelings may be coming from.

6. Be Kind to Yourself:

  • Therapy is a journey of self-discovery and healing. While it’s natural to want quick solutions, it’s also important to treat yourself with compassion along the way. If certain sessions feel tough, that’s okay—sometimes the hardest moments lead to the most growth.

I’m really glad that you’re taking steps toward improving your well-being, and I want to reassure you that asking for help is a sign of strength. You’ve already shown that you’re capable of self-reflection and growth, and therapy will give you the tools and support you need to take those next steps. Don’t be afraid to take things one session at a time—you’ve got this!

If you have any more questions as you prepare for therapy, feel free to reach out. We are here for you.