im not sure if im just too sensitive or am i actually getting ill treated. my boyfriend attends to me when im upset but he is always so passive aggressive and it makes me feel like i shouldnt even be sharing my emotions with him… but he argues by telling me that i show him attitude when im upset so that it’s justifiable when he does that.
Hi!! @hestat I’d first like to thank you for your courage to share your struggles!! I’m proud of you (sorry long read >-<)
Now this is just my opinion, I’m not a professional. I don’t believe it justifies his passive aggression. Personally I believe, if he’s upset about how you treat him he should be frank and communicate that with you rather than try to in a sense ‘hit you with your own medicine’ or ‘payback’ by being passive aggressive.
However, it’s indeed harmful for you to show attitude whenever you have issues because as much as possible you should try to refrain from venting your frustrations on your loved ones. In addition, his passive aggressiveness is unfortunately, from my experience, a common reaction? It’s hard to seek comfort from someone you’ve hurt because they’ll struggle to empathise with you especially if they didn’t do anything for you to hurt them.
This is what works for me but, when I’m facing issues I’d tell my partner not exactly explain the situation but just tell them something happened and give them a heads up that I can be quite irritable at the moment. But if they care to listen, when I’m ready and a bit more collected (where I’m sure I won’t vent on them) I’d recount what happened and ask for their opinion.
I hope what I’ve shared has helped you in any way! :>
Oh! and pls don’t hesitate to @ me if you wanna hear more or need to clarify anything!
Hello @hestat! Thanks for sharing what you are going through in your relationship. It takes awareness and courage to be able to understand and reflect on your own situation. It does sound like you may need to have a chat with him when he is in a calm state of mind to explain how his behaviour is impacting you and your wellbeing, and also to find out why he feels that you are “showing him attitude” which seems to be his trigger point.
Open communication is an important element in a healthy relationship. It is sometimes hard for men, especially Asian men, to share their emotions as they were not brought up that way and do not have good role models. You can help him to be more aware of his own feelings and encourage him to be open with them.
I hope you will find safety and courage in speaking with him. Give yourself a timeline to assess the relationship and don’t be afraid to make any decision which is best for yourself. Lots of loving thoughts to you.
Dear @hestat, thank you kindly for sharing so courageously the issues you are dealing with. To me, what you did showed your priorities for self care which is paramount for us to lead happy and meaningful lives. It also endorses to me the qualities of a person who cares for her boyfriend, and wants to work on her relationship and move towards a better solution.
I would like to reiterate what Yoshi has accurately pointed out- that communication is very important in a healthy relationship, and would be a very good goal for you to aim for.
I hear that you are facing some challenges regarding the relationship you are in with your boyfriend, and the fights which ends in both arguments and confusion. Further, it sounds like this has been ongoing for quite awhile, and has become something of a vicious cycle.
I sense that you are nearing your wits end on what to do about the situation, and are contemplating not bringing up issues to your boyfriend to avoid further occurrences of quarrels and negative outcomes.
I am sorry that you have been through all these pain, confusion and exhaustion. Relationships, and communication as Yoshi pointed out, are never easy, and it is not abnormal to experience these.
If I may, I would like to suggest taking some time off to tend to your needs. Perhaps your favorite cafe or bookstore. Ask yourself what an ideal response you would like your boyfriend to give when you are going through a hard time. Noting your genuine concern for him, perhaps you could also ask yourself how he would prefer you to communicate to him by.
If possible, as Yoshi pointed out, would you ask your boyfriend for a heart-to-heart talk about both of your wishes? It would allow you to express gratitude that he does attend to you when you go through a difficult moment, but that you would prefer if he responded in a particular manner as it is important to you, and that you consider his wellbeing a priority and want to understand his point of view too; that you might be a better, more loving girlfriend to him.
To end off, I would like to thank you once again, and highlight the importance of communication as it would bring the both of you closer in love and understanding, and resolve some of the uncertainties as you have pointed out- being too sensitive of if you are being ill-treated.
Please feel free to reply if you have any concerns or questions, or updates to your situation if you require more help or a listening ear.
With warm and respect,