been having many issues with my partner lately and i have no idea what to do or feel. we’ve dated for a year and a half and went through many stages of life together (we’re still undergraduates). due to the heavy demands of our course, we’re easily burnt out, which also becomes a breeding ground for arguments that I would admit are mostly started by me. After our biggest argument last year, I told myself I wanted to work on trying to communicate better with him so that I could confide my feelings to him instead of just picking fights, which I feel I have worked on tremendously.
currently we are in term break, and the problem came 2 days ago when he met me for dinner after my part time work. we feed each other sometimes as normal couples do, and he got mad at me when i gave him a mouth too big, saying that it ‘looked like puke’ in a condescending tone. i was slightly affected by his words as i felt that it was such an innocent thing to do, and we continued to eat in silence. after that, i told him that i was a bit hurt by his words and tone just now and would like him to apologise. but he didnt as he felt that he wasnt in the wrong, despite me saying that i just wanted to hear him say sorry. it began a round of chasing after him as he tried to walk away when i was still talking as he ‘had enough’, and me continuously saying that i just wanted a sincere apology.
it got to the point where he started digging up the past and started saying a lot of hurtful things about me that i never knew he thought about, like how he felt that my coursework was way inferior to his (i helped him for his project in some aspects to the best i could and he barely did anything to help for mine, just saying that it was really good until 2 days ago), how i wasnt worth the argument, and he looked me deep in the eye and said that he didnt want me anymore and would be breaking up with me. i never thought he ever felt that way about me (as an ‘egoistic and selfish b***h) as i had always blamed myself for our problems. at that point i was shattered, and i began to cry and walk away until he grabbed me back and said that he was sorry, which i resisted quite a bit.
i didnt speak to him since then until yesterday night, when we started texting again. it started quite general, but was blown up to a full scale argument again as i told him i felt he was insincere by saying sorry but still blaming me for being in the wrong last time (i did say some mean things to him last time too because of stress, but i apologised sincerely to him and told him that i would never say things like that again). but to him, a sorry was a sorry. i told him i felt that i wasnt respected, but his nonchalantly shrugged it off and continued to blame me. when i said that he promised last time he would never leave me to go to bed angry, his reply was that was ‘not the person he said he would be’. at that point i felt so delusional, thinking that he was the one person i thought id spend my life with, the person i loved the most and my confidant. i couldnt sleep with all the thoughts swarming through my head yesterday, but i cant stop thinking and crying about how we ended up this way just because of something so insignificant. i dont know how to feel, if this relationship with the person i used to call my soulmate is even worth savaging anymore. what should i feel or do?
Hi @luncheon.meat
Thank you for writing in and sharing what has been going on in your relationship. It’s fully understandable that you’re deeply hurt and confused.
Firstly, acknowledge that your feelings are valid. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, and unsure about the future of your relationship.
May I encourage you to :
Reflect on the relationship dynamics
- Communication patterns: You’ve mentioned that you’ve worked on communicating better, but your partner’s response to your concerns has been dismissive and hurtful.
- Respect and empathy: Your partner’s words and actions have made you feel disrespected and unvalued.
- Conflict resolution: The way conflicts are resolved (or not resolved) in your relationship seems to be creating more harm than good.
Consider your own well-being
- Self-respect: You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness in a relationship.
- Emotional safety: Your emotional well-being should be a priority in any relationship.
- Personal growth: Ask yourself if this relationship is helping you grow as a person or holding you back.
May I recommend you:
- Take time to process your emotions: Give yourself space to think, reflect, and feel your emotions.
- Seek support: Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist about your feelings and concerns. Speaking to a school counsellor may help you process your experiences and gain clarity on next steps.
- Evaluate the relationship: Consider whether this relationship is healthy and sustainable for you in the long term.
- Communicate with your partner (if you feel ready): If you decide to talk to your partner, approach the conversation calmly and assertively, expressing your feelings and concerns.
Remember, your emotional well-being is crucial. Take care of yourself and prioritise your own needs during this challenging time. 
Hi @luncheon.meat, thank you for having the courage to share about your experiences.
It sounds like you’re feeling incredibly hurt and confused right now. Based on what you’ve shared, your situation seems very challenging, especially when you’ve put so much effort into improving communication and being there for each other. It’s understandable that you’re feeling devastated, considering the harsh words and actions from someone you thought was your confidant and soulmate.
Your feelings of wanting a sincere apology and respect are completely valid. It’s important to feel acknowledged and valued in a relationship, especially after investing so much emotionally. The recurring arguments and his hurtful comments seem to be taking a heavy toll on your well-being. Remember, it’s okay to take a step back and prioritize your own mental health and happiness. Sometimes, a bit of distance can provide much-needed clarity and perspective.
It might also be helpful to consider reaching out to a trusted friend, family member, or even a professional counsellor to talk through your feelings. They can offer support and perhaps help you see things from different angles. The most important thing is to take care of yourself and ensure that you’re in a healthy, respectful relationship, whether that means working things out with your partner or deciding to move forward on your own. You’re not alone in this, and there are people who care about you and want to help.
sometimes i am just so confused because i feel that he looks down on me in more than just an academic aspect (im not a bad student at all, just average in terms of my course), but at the same time he makes me feel so loved in other ways. i dont want to sound nonchalant, but many times i just feel so strongly that he has it much easier for him, where things are always going the way he wants and it never does for me (a lot of times), and it feels even worse when he shuts me down when i express my frustrations. i feel bad for being upset with him, but at the same time i cant help but feel bad for myself too. at this point, i dont know what to feel or do anymore, whether my concerns are valid, and there isnt anyone else that i can go to for advice on issues like this.