Yesterday, my friends and I were doing groupwork. My friend just took my work without my consent for help. If we think deeply, one will either OFFER to help or the member who needs help will ask for assistance. I was triggered and frustrated when she did my work just like that. It caused me to get so agitated and frustrated until I bursted my anger. She just casually told me to calm down when she barely knows that I have anger issues and quick to react. The. she has the audacity to say hurtful phrases like âwhy are you so bitchyâ. During recess, I reported to my form teacher. He suggested me ways to ignore these kind of friends by journaling, acting immune, etc. To release my anger, I posted it on my CFL on instagram via my spam account.
The next day, she just came up to me and told me to be honest randomly. My jaw dropped as she found out that she thought that im talking bad about her. Without me even saying, she concluded that im lying towards her and she concludes that im a liar. I just ran away from my class bcs its too much for me already. Before thinking of revengeful plans, I decided to rant here. You know what is worse? We are Pre University students yet these things happen.
Update: Case solved via conference room. The teachers didnt scold us. They hear our thoughts and educate us.
I hope this is a safe place to rant
Hey OP,
Iâm sorry to hear that your friend didnât respect you and also called you something hurtful. That feeling of anger is a signal that you felt wronged, so it is normal to feel so.
I do think the best way to go about it is to iron out any misunderstandings before it starts to get ugly. I do think that your friend was wrong to cross your boundary without asking, describing you as âbitchyâ, and immediately assuming the worst from you. I also do think that your concerns could have been communicated in a less conflicting way. It is a messy situation to be in.
Would it be possible to have a third, unbiased party between you two? This is so this person can help to calm down the situation if conflict starts to arise.
Itâs tiring what you had to deal with, though. I do hope you both can talk it out and reach an understanding with each other.
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Hello @user390141
Iâm sorry to hear how hurt and betrayed you felt about the way your friend treated you.
From what you shared, it sounds like your boundaries were crossed when she took your work without permission and itâs understandable that you felt frustrated and upset. Itâs hard when your friend couldnât relate to your emotions and just respond dismissively by asking you to calm down and then, for her to say something so hurtful. Itâs no surprise you felt the way you did.
Iâm glad to hear that you tried to seek guidance from your form teacher. I can understand that you wanted to release your anger hence you chose to post on your spam account (sometimes somethings just needs to come out). - I wonât comment much but based on personal experience I would say posting on your social media may not be the best outlet because it can be a breeding ground for misunderstandings to arise. But that aside Iâm sorry to hear that your friend thought the worse of the situation. It can feel like a betrayal.
I agree with @douggydoug that maybe a third unbiased party should come in and help mediate the situation. I hope by talking it out, you can clear the air even though it might feel tough at first.
I really do hope that things do improve among the two of you.
Take care! 
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hi @user390141,
Iâm really sorry to hear about what happened. I can understand why you are angry.
Posting on your spam account might have provided some immediate relief, but it is important to consider the long-term impact of sharing such feelings publicly, especially if your friends know that account belongs to you.
It is good that you decided to rant here instead of acting on revengeful plans. We tend to make bad decicions when we are emotionally charged. Sometimes, just sharing about what happened can help you process your emotions and find a way forward.
I like @Marshmallow.youghurtâs suggestion to get someone else involved to mediate the situation. I assume you are still going to see that person in the future, so it is best to talk things out .
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Hi @user390141, thank you for opening up and sharing what happened. I can hear how upsetting this experience was for you. Itâs completely understandable that you felt triggered when your work was taken without your permission. As you said, help should be offered or asked for, not assumed or taken. It sounds like your boundaries were crossed, and thatâs never easy to deal with.
It also makes sense that you felt angry when she dismissed your reaction and called you hurtful names. That kind of invalidation and accusation can really intensify emotional responses, especially when youâre already trying your best to manage things.
Iâm glad you chose to reach out here instead of acting on revengeful thoughts. That shows a lot of self-awareness and self-control, which is something you should be proud of. Youâre right, this is a safe space, and itâs okay to feel big emotions here.
At the same time, I wonder if it might be helpful to reflect a bit on how you responded? Not to blame yourself, but to explore whether there might have been other ways to express how you felt that could help the other person understand you better and avoid things from escalating? After all, conflict is never fun to be in, so perhaps it could be worth thinking about how to reduce the chances of such situations happening again?
Here are just some ideas that you could consider :â)
- Use âIâ statements rather than âyouâ statements when dealing with conflict (eg. âI feel upset that my work was taken without asking, because I put effort into itâ rather than âYou just took my work without asking? Whatâs wrong with you?â). This can help others hear your perspective without feeling attacked, which can lead to more productive conversations.
- Take space before reacting. Step away to breathe, journal, or talk to someone you trust. You already did this when you left the class after she accused you of lying â that was a great example of protecting your peace in the moment!
- Practise grounding techniques (eg. 5-4-3-2-1 method or progressive muscle relaxation). These can help regulate intense feelings and give you space to respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively.
For this particular situation, I agree with @douggydoug that having a third, unbiased party might really help. I mean, itâs exhausting to have tension with classmates, especially when you still have to see them regularlyâŠ
I really hope things get better between the two of you. In the meantime, please continue using this space to share, rant, or just let things out. Weâre here for you!
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hii, she wanted to consult this problem between us only. i firmly disbelieve that consulting without an adult/third-party lead to worse case scenario. during recess, she wants to talk. im not the type of person to talk when im mad. i dont like consultations AT ALL. she wanted to expose my cfl to the whole class. i immediately grabbed her phone and ran to the staff room to strengthen my stand. she started to pin point me by calling immatured bcs i called her immatured on my cfl while i reached the staff room. this causes me to call my form tchr without hesitation. she even told him that im playing the victim and she was laughing to herself as if she is right and has all the proofs. she even just bluntly told me to cry whatever i want to my form tchr. to me, its quite sinister for her to say like that. i really hope that this matter doesnt report to the higher authorities.
she demands for an apology but i dont want to apologise. ive apologised to her during the group work but she doesnt acknowledge it. hence it is mentally and emotionally suffering for me. please pray the best for the both of us.
Hi OP,
Seems like sheâs unable to resolve the matter calmly and in a mature manner. You did the best you could by talking to a third party (your teacher) about it, but she continued to insult and hurt you more. Thatâs unfair to you, and you donât deserve to be treated as such.
I wish you the best of strength to get through this. You can always vent here if you need an outlet 
Hi, my friend wanted to consult me without a third party/ an adult. In my opinion, it is not good to consult just like due to further arguments like just now during recess time. She wanted to expose my cfl to the whole class by raising her hand with my handphone. To strengthen my stand, I grabbed her phone and ran to the teachersâ room. As someone who is emotionally sensitive, it is too much for me. I decided to call my form teacher as a third person. She thinks that she is going to win her side because of the CFL proof she has. She insisted me to apologise but I donât want to. I hated being the people pleaser. I even apologised when she adviced me in a blunt manner like ive mentioned in my post. While I was talking to my teacher, she was laughing to herself sinisterly and degraded me by calling me âimmaturedâ (just because i called her immatured in my cfl) and playing as a victim.
Aside from listening to the form teacherâs advice, what other steps I can take to stop this situation immediately? I do not want to apologise or consult. Please pray the best for both of us.
Hey @user390141
I think right now the best thing to do is not engage in the situation, even more so because you know that you are still angry.
Itâs good that you tried to speak to your form teacher. While you canât undo your action of posting, I think itâs still best to talk to your teacher and calmly explain the situation, be as factual as possible while also maybe sharing how you felt without pointing fingers or blaming anyone (eg. she took my work without permission and that made me angry and because of that anger I posted something on my spam account which made her upset and now she wants to tell the whole class about it and I feel really hurt).
I think itâs still best to get someone to mediate among you.
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Honestly I do think that your feelings are valid and to try to stay away from such people so that it doesnât affect you further hopefully you would find a better friend that respects you unlike what he/she didâŠ
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Also @user390141
If your friend approaches you and say that she wants to settle the dispute between just the both of you, you can just firmly but politely say that you may disagree but I would rather have a third person to mediate among us.
You can choose to share your reasons why you want to have someone mediate among you - itâs not a must
We canât control your friendâs reaction but we can control ours. If she gets really upset, rather than running away/ being upset (because thatâs probably the reaction she wants from you), you should firmly say that I stand by my decision and slowly walk away
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yes, i really want to stop communicating with her. today, she kept on insisting me to consult. i HATE consulting to the extent that one of my friend warned her not to. When she consult with me, she wanted to expose my cfl towards EVERYONE in class. As if she has the power to do so. I had to grab her phone and run to the staff room. She even threatened me not to touch her phone. I dont listen to her manipulative skills. Its not gonna stop me as most people in my school knew me for 5 years. I called my form tchr immediately to be the third party person. However, I can see that she is guilt tripping me by saying that im playing as the victim and let me cry to my form teacher. As if I cry with crocodile tears? No way im falling for that. She even has the guts to laugh sinisterly like that. I wont EVEN apologise. I did apologise on the day she said blunt things but her expression was blank. I wont be defeated by her guil tripping.
What would you do if this happens to you?
Nope, I ran away to not burst my anger. She didnt want that. She just want to consult nicely but end up being like this. You get what I mean?
Plus she still INSISTS that she wants to talk. Im mad with her until now and she doesnt want a middle person.
Hey @user390141, that sounds like a rlly messy situation to be inâŠ
First, I want to affirm that youâre not wrong for wanting a third party present. In fact, it is a completely reasonable boundary, especially if past interactions with her have felt unsafe or emotionally intense. You have every right to protect your emotional well-being.
Also, youâve already done your part. You apologised during the group work, and if she chooses not to acknowledge that, then itâs on her, not you. Youâre not obligated to keep apologising just to âmake peace,â especially when it comes at the cost of your emotional safety. Thatâs not fair to you.
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I definitely agree with @Marshmallow.youghurt that you donât need to justify your boundaries. If she keeps pushing for a 1-on-1 talk, you can calmly say something like âIâm not comfortable speaking without a third party. Iâve explained this, and Iâm sticking to that boundary. If youâre not okay with it, Iâm not continuing this conversation.â Then calmly walk away without arguing further. You donât owe her a debate about this. If she gets upset or tries to twist it, thatâs something she has to deal with, not you.
Youâre trying hard to manage your anger and not escalate things, which shows a lot of maturity. If she continues demanding that you guys speak privately or continues threatening to expose your CFL to the entire class, I think you can talk to your form teacher again. Youâre not âplaying a victim" or âcrying crocodile tearsâ for seeking help.
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Hi @user390141 Iâm sorry to hear about your recent bad encounter with your friend. In the first place, define friendship and if she is a friend or just a school/class mate. Not everyone is school or a class is a friend. And not all âbadâ incidents that happened in our life are to be taken seriously as they will become toxic when consumed, which can lead to us becoming even unhappier with life per se.
School is an educational institute that offers invaluable lessons not only academically but about life itself. We grow in heaps and bounds from school life that shapes us towards becoming the successful adults we want to become. Lest, few things that you need to do:-
- Renew your intention of going to school every morning. Tell yourself that the only reason you go to school is to be clever and wise, and to stop being ânot cleverâ because of the Al-Mighty. He has created you ⊠a complete being with good brains and not missing any limb, and one who has a good soul.
With that main and only intention, you go to school. That objective should be your main focus. Anything else is not as important.
- Distance yourself from toxic âfriendsâ or school/class mates unless you have to do groupwork. Otherwise, itâs only Hi and Bye and smiles as greetings from far.
Egs of toxic mates in school - confrontational, public shaming, back-biting, vulgar, rude, drama queens and hypocrites and etc.
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You donât have to justify yourselves to drama or donât let anyone subject you into drama or do not participate in any drama. Excuse yourself and walk away should that happens, irregardless!
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Itâs ok if you do not have any good/close/bff in school. Do not change just because you have to fit in, change for the better and for the community at large because you are a bigger person at heart than anyone who is popular at school now. A heart at the right place has a longer mileage in life than one who is popular in school because she is âprettyâ, âoutspokenâ, âboldâ, âdaringâ and etc.
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Reflect and reflect everytime something bad happens in our life. How we react to a situation determines our emotional quotient at that moment. We cannot control what or how others behave, but we can control how we react to a situation or how we behave.
We are not âmothersâ in school, we cannot teach other peopleâs children. If they behave atrociously, its not our job to fix them.
- Lastly, though your CFL is a private space with only invited âfriendsâ and not opened to public, my grandmother used to say âwhen you speak during the day, look out for those around you. And when you speak during the night, listen out for those around youâ. You will never know as you may hurt feelings unintentionally.
Technically speaking, you are not talking bad about anyone when you rant at your own private space. Problems start when the information dropped at a private space becomes public. It left the âprivate roomâ , however, do ensure that your private rants remain private and safe. On the other hand, as long as you have an audience in your private space, itâs never safe.
- Take your school work seriously. Donât be afraid to speak your mind when someone compromise your work. Let that person know that it should not happen again, lest you will bring it up to your form teacher if it recurs.
@user390141, hope the above help you see things clearer.
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