Insecurity about not being masculine

I, a 25M, have feelings of not being masculine enough for myself.

I feel not enough ppl in my life take me seriously, not enough ppl in my life can prove to me that I am valid as a person in society, not enough ppl in my life think I can be threateningly good or strong at any area, I am jack of no trades, master of none.

Deep down, I wish I can be a feared and respected man, taken seriously by everyone, deeply respected by anyone. I wish I can prove ppl wrong all the time and prevent ppl from looking down on me. I have been a laughing stock all my life, I am so damn tired of being a living meme that is not taken seriously.

I always look to some of the most threatening figures in fiction like Dominic Toretto (Fast), Hanma Yujiro (Baki), Guts (Berserk) and Vegeta (Dragon Ball), and wish I could be as feared and powerful as them. But yet due to health reasons I cannot even do martial arts to achieve that goal.

I feel so insecure and wish I was much stronger, tougher and more dangerous than this, so tired of being a unrespectable beta male.

Hi @user1079

Thank you for sharing such intense feelings and I think it is very brave of you to share your concerns. I am sorry to hear that you do not get enough validation through your experiences. It sounds challenging and I want to let you know that what you are feeling and going through is valid, no matter what. I hope you believe in that too.

I am also wondering what made you feel that people are looking down on you and what is pushing the need to be feared and powerful. Do you have such people in your life and how do you actually feel when you are with them?

I would also like to share that everyone can be strong in their own ways. I am sorry to hear that your health caused some limits to being as strong as you would like to but I am sure you have your own strengths. Take some time to think about your past achievements or what activities made you most happy. Confidence can be built from within yourself, by believing in yourself and validating your own emotions.

Here are some suggestions you may consider trying:

  1. Positive self-talk: It is important how you speak to yourself. We cannot control what others tell us but we are in control of what we say to ourselves. Focus more on your strengths and give affirmations to yourself.
  2. Challenge negative thoughts: Identify what are some thoughts that pull you down and make you feel bad about yourself. Give yourself a break and reflect on where is the need coming from. Is it because you really want to be feared and respected or is there other unresolved conflict within yourself that you are not seeing? Perhaps the need is the top of the ice berg but there could be other repressed feelings or desires that are hidden and hindering your perspective to the issue you are dealing with.
  3. Practice self-care. Take time to reflect on what is happening around you and what you can do to take care of yourself better. It can be mental and physical actions where you eat/sleep well, engaging in hobbies you enjoy or being good to yourself because you deserve to be treated well.
  4. Set achievable goals. Be strong in your own way. Identfiy what makes you strong as a person. Celebrate your achievements and reinforce your self-confidence.
    I really hope this is helpful for you. I believe you have lots of positive qualities and abilities; and you need to focus more on that. From your sharing, it sounds like you have not given up even though it has been really challenging. You are still seeking different ways to cope with your difficulties. I think this is something you need to affirm yourself for.

Wishing you all the best!

Hey there! I totally get that it really sucks not feeling like society has options that you feel like you fit in with/ that no one treats you seriously cos of how you present yourself!

Having said that, I think being feared and being respected are two different things y’know. Some of the figures that you mention (Yujiro/Vegeta) are kinda not great people and only get away with being that way cos of the way ‘might makes right’ works in their world. Lumping these two together with Dom and Guts who believe very strongly in using their ‘strength’ to protect their loved ones and those in need kinda misses the point of these characters! Just some food for thought.

I guess also worth thinking about is what value being ‘strong’ and ‘tough’ means to you? I think in our modern society just being a beefhead doesn’t actually translate to the things that you want-being taken seriously (unless you’re at the gym lol). Also if these things aren’t accessible to you as you mentioned, is there really much point in striving for these things? Not here to tell you what to believe but I feel like there are other ways to find recognition/value in life. Would love to hear what else is impt to you too!