Life is hard for me rn. I feel alone and unwanted. One of my closest friends betrayed me and turned our whole friend group against me. Idk who to trust anymore. I feel like somethings wrong with me. My parents clearly prefer my ‘angel’ older brother over me. He always turns his schoolwork in on time, has stable friendships, and doesn’t stab the wall 13 times with a pencil whenever he gets mad; because he doesn’t. Hes honestly so much better than me. And I get compulsively mad very often as I disagree with my parents’ parenting style and personalities. So i get annoyed, then annoyed quickly turns into me screaming, throwig things, etc. I used to be violent to my parents, but ive at least stopped that for good. but I do other things. My dad tells me to punch our punching bag, but if I know what i hit doesnt have some sort of visual change (scratches, holes, etc) then to me its not worth hitting. My parents have tried over and over to help me but it doesnt work. im ok for like 3-4 months but i go right back to “normal.” I get my phone and music priveledges taken away, and that makes me feel more depressed then mad, because I cant text my friends, so we lose connection often. and the freidns i thought i had have revealed that they dont like me anyways. Ive contemplated suicide before but i WANT to live, and i did try to take my own life before. i had to go to a therapist for a year and hated it, so if what i do doesnt work then im not gonna do it. and i dont wanna give my “friends” the satisfaction of me being gone anyways. so I honestly dont know what to do with my life anymore. i cant be helped and everyone i care about is gone.
Hey @the_last_cheeze What you’re going through sounds really tough, and there seems to be many triggers that are letting you feel helpless and sad. I know how losing a whole friend group can feel, and as someone who’s still healing from that I can say it is very important to prioritise the rewarding, peaceful, and healthy friendships in your life. Quality over quantity always. And most importantly, remember not to lose yourself. Reconnect with hobbies and things that make you happy, and enjoy your own company. Spend more time on things that are productive and serve you and your mind well.
It’s a long journey, but it is very rewarding to see the progress of healing and prioritising your own happiness. I’m rooting for your healing!
Hey there! Thank you for sharing such a heavy topic. I understand that it’s not easy for you right now and this might sound like a ridiculous thing to hear; But know that, all will pass. The worst phase of your life, the best moments, good or bad - all will pass. This isn’t gonna last forever and I’m happy to hear that you want to live 
Firstly, did you manage to get a diagnosis before visiting your therapist? Finding a good therapist takes trial and error, and if they have your diagnosis it’d help them to navigate your problems with you. Don’t give up on seeking help, I know it feels very exhausting but the you in 5 years’ time will be thankful you made the effort. From what you shared, it sounds like a diagnosis can help you to seek suitable help to better regulate your emotions because even though it can seem like you’re ‘acting out’ to the world, I know it sucks to be unable to control your emotions, and sucks even more when you realised you’re inflicting pain on your loved ones by releasing those frustrations.
I’m not sure exactly what transpired between you and your friends, but I’m so sorry you had to go through that… losing a whole group of friends is a hard thing to go through. Perhaps right now you should focus on being in a good place with yourself first.
Even though your parents are harsh with you, it seems like they haven’t given up on you because they seem to care about you if they’re still taking action (I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I’ve seen parents who give up on their child completely disregard them. I think they’re unsure about how to deal with your emotions/vehaviour). I don’t know if you’ve tried being vulnerable and honest with them, and I know it can be super duper hard to do so especially if you don’t have that openness in the family to begin with, but admitting you know when you’re at fault and admitting the degree of pain you’re going through could get them to see that you’re not just a rebellious teenager acting out, you actually hope to seek help to become better and you have a hard time controlling your emotions. Get them to understand you’re not actually hurting them on purpose, and it can go a long way in getting them to be more understanding of your situation. I can tell that you have made attempts to change, and that shows that you do want to be better
All the best, and don’t give up on yourself! Jiayou
Hello @the_last_cheeze 
! Thank you for sharing your story!
I’m sorry you’re experiencing these emotions; it seems like you’re carrying a lot of weight. It’s easy to think that something is amiss when you feel alone, misunderstood, and that you’re not living up to the standards set for you. However, you are entirely acceptable for experiencing this pain and responding to it. Relationships and life may be chaotic, particularly when others don’t seem to understand how deeply something hurts or what you’re going through.
Wanting to be heard and acknowledged is very normal. I understand that your previous experience with therapy wasn’t ideal, but maybe there is another kind or someone else who might help you discover a solution that works for you. You are worthy of living a life in which you are surrounded by people who care about you and feel noticed and supported. By giving up certain things that weren’t working for you, you’ve already shown resilience, which is a significant step. Even though it may not seem like it at the moment, please know that you are not alone and that there are others who are concerned and want to assist. You deserve time and space to work things out, so take things one step at a time 
Hey @the_last_cheeze I can hear how much pain you’re carrying, and I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. You’re going through so much right now, and it’s okay to feel frustrated, hurt, and even betrayed. Losing trust in those who were close to you and feeling misunderstood by family are huge weights on anyone’s shoulders, and I imagine it feels even heavier because you’re handling it mostly on your own.
It sounds like you’ve been trying so hard to manage your anger and emotions, and even though it’s still a struggle, I can see that effort. It takes real strength to keep going, even when things feel like they’re crumbling. I admire your strength and will to LIVE as well, as that is a sign of strength. Even if it doesn’t feel like enough, it’s something you did out of a desire to be better. I’m really proud of you for that, even if it’s hard to see right now.
Please know that you don’t have to have all the answers right now. And if living, even for a small part of you, is something you want, then that’s worth holding onto. You’re still here, still fighting, and that shows an incredible amount of courage. Fighting! I am rooting for you as well! 