i don't understand what is going on in my mind

23F. I am the eldest of 4 siblings, youngest being 11M. My parents are very strict, quite pious. Physical abuse has always been in my life since young, even my younger brother when he was a baby has been beaten before. Normal stuffs like when we made a mess or lie or anything, we would get beaten and shouted at. Even now sometimes I would still get shouted at. I would flinch whenever someone look like theyre gonna hurt me or shout. Is that childhood trauma? I bet everyone goes through that. My parents, mom especially, would guilt trip us into cleaning the house, saying things like this is my house and you’re just staying in it. I would clean the house everyday without fail, I rarely go out and hand out w friends as my parents are quite strict and because of that, technically i dont really have friends. I do have a bf of 7 years. but i dont tell him much about stuffs. stuffs like me having suicidal thoughts. my parents like to shout at us and make us feel guilty about even going out with friends. they would always remind us to put family first, yet treat us that way.they would sometimes degrade us too. i don’t remember a single memory that theyre proud of me. me being the eldest, i feel like i dont have room to breathe. i have to always think abt my actions affecting my siblings. i just quit my job due to work environment and didnt applied any atm as i know my mom needs help in cleaning the house etc, but she would still nag most day. she rarely thanks me for anything that ive done. yet makes noise when i go out to meet a ‘friend’(bf, my parents doesnt allow rs). i have self harm before few years ago due to same reasons. being in this house makes me feel suffocated. i find it hard to communicate with people, i dont find joy in doing what i like anymore. whenever the nagging starts, the shouting, in my mind has always been to just end it. i had this thought before. to end my siblings life and thn mine, so they dont have to go through what i did. but i know its wrong. and they have a life ahead of them. i know im the bad one. i know it may not sound like hell?, but this place that is home, is hell to me on most days. sometimes i do feel okay, sometimes i just feel like maybe im just overreacting. am i though? i dont think i am depressed. am i lonely? but i do have a bf. i do have a home, i do have parents. but why do i feel like leaving? why do i feel this way? i feel like a failure(dropped out student). a burden. i dont have anyone that i can talk to. having suicidal thoughts and stuff like tht doesnt make one suicidal right? im actually just exaggerating right?

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Hi @weeee

Thank you for sharing with us your struggles on this platform, I’m really sorry to hear that you’re going through such a difficult time. It takes a lot of courage to open up about your experiences, and I want to validate your feelings. What you’ve described is indeed a challenging and painful situation.

I acknowledge that the environment you’ve grown up in, with physical abuse, shouting, and guilt-tripping, can have a huge impact on your mental and emotional well-being. These experiences can indeed be classified as childhood trauma, and the feelings you’re experiencing, such as anxiety, the fear of harm, and suicidal thoughts, are significant and should not be dismissed.

It is very common for people in such situations to feel like they’re overreacting or that their experiences may not be as severe as they perceive. However, I want to assure you that your feelings are completely valid, and I want to encourage you to prioritize your mental health.

Having a supportive network is very important, and to be honest, I am very concerned that you feel you don’t have anyone to talk to. While I’m here to offer support and listen, it’s important to consider reaching out to friends, a mental health professional, or a helpline that can support you. I would highly suggest that you walk in to a nearby Family Service Centre to ask for help, or to contact any mental health professional online:

I understand that it might feel overwhelming sometimes, so please do keep these numbers and contact them in case of emergency or in case you find yourself in crisis:

It’s good to hear that you have a long-term boyfriend, but I understand that it may be difficult to open up to him about certain aspects of your life. Perhaps you could consider discussing your feelings with him, as he might be more understanding and supportive than you think. Communication is key in any relationship. I would like you to try out this conversation tool that might help you be more confident in discussing this topic with him.

Sometimes, feeling like a failure or a burden can be overwhelming, that is why I feel it’s so important to challenge those negative thoughts.
Here are some helpful tools that can guide you on working through the negative thoughts:

Last but not least, I want you to know that you are not alone, and seeking help is a strength, not a weakness. Please consider reaching out to a mental health professional or a helpline as soon as you can - your well-being matters.

Please keep us updated on how you’re doing, I look forward to hearing more from you.

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