Childhood trauma

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
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My family is kind of dysfunctional. my dad has anger management issues while my mum shouts a lot in the family (which makes my dad angry and annoyed). whenever someone triggers him or make him angry, he will start to be a little aggressive (eg: starts talking in a very loud voice, tone is harsh). For instance, he often quarrel and argue with my mum and this has started since young. Hence whenever they start quarrelling, I will somehow feel anxious and unsafe. I also have to be very attentive so that I know what is happening in the family. Sometimes their quarrels gets so bad to the point I will cry and breakdown in my room.

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Hi @reyy

First of all, thank you for sharing your experiences and feelings here on this platform so authentically - it takes a lot of courage to share and I commend you for that effort. I want to express my deep empathy and understanding of the challenging and distressing environment you’ve been living in; it truly takes a lot of strength to share so openly about your family.

I can see that living in a household with ongoing conflict can be emotionally taxing, and it is completely normal to feel emotionally drained when these things happen at home. And your responses, such as feeling anxious and unsafe, are entirely understandable. I affirm your feelings, they’re real and valid - and anyone in your shoes would feel the same way too.

I was wondering, have you been able to reach out to someone you trust, like a friend or other family member (cousin, uncle, aunty, grandparents?), to discuss your feelings and experiences? Sometimes, sharing your emotions can often provide a sense of relief and support.

In this delicate and difficult situation, I would suggest these things:

  1. Seek a safe space to express your emotions and thoughts. It can be helpful to speak with a therapist or counselor who can provide you with a confidential and nonjudgmental space to explore your feelings and develop coping strategies. You can start by exploring the family service centres near your home and ask for help from the counsellors there - they would be able to guide you to regulate your emotions better, and keep you safe as well.

If you’re still uncomfortable, you can try these online options which also will give you access to mental health professionals:

  1. Limitless : Talk To Someone - Limitless

  2. CPH chat : https://www.cphonlinecounselling.sg/hc/en-us

  3. IMH CHAT : https://www.imh.com.sg/CHAT/Pages/default.aspx

  4. ec2.sg : https://fycs.org/ec2-sg

  5. Practice self-care and relaxation techniques. Try to engage yourself in activities that help you manage stress, such as deep breathing exercises, mindfulness, or engaging in hobbies, which can be beneficial in times of distress. You can try these activities for a start: Deep breathing (Mental Support & Wellbeing Resources in Singapore to Improve Your Mental Health | mindline.sg) or positive self-talk (https://mindline.sg/youth/?wysa_tool_id=find_perspective)

It’s important to remember that you are not alone, and it’s okay to seek help and support to navigate these challenging family dynamics. You deserve to feel safe and secure. If you ever feel very unsafe at home, please have a safe space to run to (like e.g. grandmother’s home or cousin’s home or school) and these adults will also be able to lead you in the right and safest direction.

Last but not least, if you ever feel overwhelmed or are in immediate danger, please reach out to a crisis hotlines:

Please let us know how you’re coping and what are some measures you’ve decided to take on. We would love to hear from you again. Do take care!

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