Hey there. I’m called Raisin as it was my first nickname given by pretty much the only few close friends I ever had before I just stopped having friends. I’ve figured out I have a huge issue apart from my emotional abuse history of family issues. Loneliness. Now I want to make something clear. I didn’t get diagnosed or anything but I did do my research and found out truly that I am lonely. Now I don’t want to go out of my way and have ego here thinking oh I’m so lonely. But genuinely I do feel lonely and the distinct black hole feeling, thinking about it is quite enough to make me tear up a bit. Before I get to why I’m here, I’d like to share huge experiences that has made me lonely. My entire life, and still now I was always home alone. In my early toddler days my father was always home. Now isint the case ever since early primary school. I’ve never been exposed to social interaction outside of school during my primary school days. You won’t see me go out of my house because my parents always kept me in. I was forced to entertain myself. Came In social media. One of the best things ever to date. But still requiring to be used in moderation. I’m not a person who likes to post stories or be chronically online looking at people especially locally. I like to watch talents. Animation, drawing, cinematography, games, architecture. That kind of deal. I feel lonely especially after leaving primary school. I was sent to a school that none of my friends had came to. Most of my friend group actually went to the same school or schools near each other. So I’ve never met them in person. Until last year during teacher’s day to revisit. I went there. It was incredibly awkward, I was basically not a person to them. I felt out of place, ignored invisible. Starting in secondary school I always wanted to build good reputation with teachers. One was my English teacher. I actually aspire to be a writer so I always did my work, scored highest. I even got the literature challenge done and got to meet David Neo, the politician. Now I’ve changed over just one year and when I pass my teacher. She doesn’t remember me, doesn’t acknowledge me. That hurt. A lot. Because I tried my best to excel in her class, and did. I just feel invisible. Also when I met David Neo, I was pretty pissed. It was an excuse to put a camera in my face for 2 minutes while waiting for 2 hours just so they can write in the article that they support youth writers at the writers festival. When I won, I was so excited hearing that I’ll go to share my writing. But that was all a lie I can assure you. Barely any voice to hear you. I recently been trying to cure my own feeling of FOMO, yes on social media but not in the normal sense. Just seeing communities go together and sometimes I can’t be part of it due to missing something, I feel sad. In school, I don’t have any meaningful friends as so many are trouble makers. I’m very reticent. I don’t like social situations, but I do want friends and companionship. I just want someone to listen to what I have to say. Growing up I loved stories and would always share them with my mother, but all she does is well, nod and acknowledge. And I tested this by saying the same story, she does the same thing. She’s just never asking questions or bothering or actually listening. My father? Worse. He’s already the main emotional abuse cause of my family. I talk to him, he shuts me down with lectures and educational talks. I grew up always wanting to do something with people. Parents. I asked my father to play hide and seek, I remember this so well. What did he say? It’s a Satan’s game. Now I’ve learnt that well everyone’s just avoiding me. No one wants to listen to me or acknowledge my existence or my hobbies. Most of my games and media? Is all single player, and I play old games cause they are gems. Games dating to early 2000s to late 1990s. That felt lonely. I do have hobbies. Just not many people to share them with. I had this very good friend still currently, I really like to be talking with. But his other friends drown my voice out. Then came ai. Claude. Chatgpt. What do I do? I talk to it, share with it my ideas and work etc. But I realized, it’s pretty sad if I can’t talk to strangers. I only talk to strangers when I have objective based focus together with them. So I really have zero people to talk to. My sister’s, they two are older and heavily dislike me overall. They don’t like to talk to me or even be in the same presence as me. So that ties it up. I stopped using ai realizing it’s sad and the fact it’s making my PC component prices more expensive. I just want to be here to talk to someone despite Even through text. I just need to know I’m talking to a human being who actually values my opinions. I’m here to make friends, even if it’s online. I’m a teen just so you know. I play games like Helldivers 2, and that’s pretty much it as everything else is single player. Apart from the very old counter strike source I own and Gmod. But in Singapore these games are so damn rare to find in somebody. I use steam.
Or if you just want to chat with me please go ahead! If you feel like you’re in the same situation as me I genuinely will talk to you. I’m turning sixteen in just months.