I feel lonely and ostracized everywhere :(

I’m almost 22 m and I’ve always been unable to make real friends that last. Back in primary school , i was a quiet introverted person. I’ve never had the courage to make deep connections like what i see my peers have. They would get together and hang out after school and have fun playing game together.
my connections has always only gotten as far as the environment . My School friends only hang out in school, and noone ever seem to want to hang out with me. These connections i have with these friends are all precious to me, but they only last when i was still in school . When i graduate and move on , so do these friends. Im an outcast no matter where i go, my social skills has stagnated from the very start. I just don’t get why i can’t ever make long lasting friends. Im just never good enough to fit a certain group. Even within people of the same interest, im alone. I get people telling me i’m rude , i’m Egotistical , i gaslight and always think im right. I’ve personally never felt that way and always give myself to my friends by giving them whatever they want. I feel like I’m the one being gaslighted, i really want to improve myself but i was never ever given any opportunities. It always seems people already hate me from the very beginning. I try to talk to everyone and have some positive energy, they usually respond in kind, however, after a while everyone forms their own groups leaving me behind again. In my current situation im in National service and my entire group of people all dislikes me. Even my one and only friend i believed in here , told me its time to go our seperate ways.
I honestly feel very empty, i have no friends that stays except for one who i still chat with since secondary school. Apart from her , im basically the lamest and most hated and ostracized person i know off. Im not ugly or anything , in fact i look average but i am gay and thats always the first thing people wonder about. From the very beginning people will always be cautious of me , making starting an actual conversation almost impossible. Please help me, my words are all over the place and i have no idea what to do anymore.

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Hmmm @Unseen what do you mean by giving them whatever they want?

Also what would you like to talk about? Im all ears :ear:t5:

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Dear @Unseen

Thank you for coming here and sharing your feelings with us. I’m so sorry to hear that you are experiencing a lot of pain and frustration. :people_hugging: Feeling unseen must be painful. Your feelings are valid and you matter! :orange_heart:

It sounds like you have some introspective skills and are aware of how others perceive you. It may also be helpful to reflect on specific behaviours or patterns that might be contributing to these perceptions. Consider if there are any moments when you might have come across as rude or egotistical and how you can address those. Here are some journal prompts to help you reflect on and understand yourself better:

  • What are the strengths I bring to my friendships?

  • Are there any traits or behaviours I notice in myself that might be misunderstood by others?

  • Recall a specific instance when someone told me I was being rude or egotistical,

    • What was my reaction to this feedback at the time?
    • What words did I use in my response, what was my body language?
    • Looking back, do I see any truth in their words? Why or why not?
  • Are there common patterns in my friendships that lead to them ending?

  • What are some triggers that make me feel defensive or misunderstood?

  • How do I usually respond when I feel these triggers?

  • How do I show empathy to others? Are there ways I can improve this?

  • How do I react when others share their feelings or problems with me?

  • Recall a time when I had a positive social experience. What made it successful?

  • What did I do differently in that situation compared to times when things didn’t go well?

Developing strong communication skills can be a game-changer in forming deeper connections. This includes practising active listening, paraphrasing, showing empathy, and being open to feedback. Consider seeking feedback from trusted adults, such as family members, mentors, or seniors you feel safe with. Additionally, a counsellor can provide valuable insights and guidance in improving your interactions.

Consider working with an LGBTQ+ affirming counsellor or therapist. They can provide customised tools and strategies to enhance your social skills and self-esteem, and help you process feelings of loneliness or rejection.

Building lasting friendships takes time and effort. It’s okay to feel the way you do, and seeking help is a positive step towards making the changes you want in your life. Well done! :clap:t4: :clap:t4:

I hope the above has been helpful and if you’d like more resources or if there is anything else you’d like to share with us, please do. We’re here to listen to you, your feelings are valid and you matter! :grinning:

Take care,
Cool Breeze =)

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Hi @Otterworldly , im quite a people pleaser. I usually try to make everyone happy and would do whatever would make their life easier. Im never appreciated most of the time, but i never really expected anything to begin with. I guess i like to trust in karma , that if i do good ill eventually get treated nicely.

Thanks so much for the tips and advice @CoolBreeze
One thing i realised about myself is that i’m always been said as selfish or rude because i dont proactively talk to people.
I tend to keep to myself and do things by myself, i find it peaceful and nice. However that is most likely seen as selfishness or unstuck. I heard from some old friends that me being by myself is like rude to others.
I didnt mean to look down on others by ignoring them, but things usually start this way. The people i have to hang out with usually do not have similar hobbies and interests so i usually end up being more quieter as i’m unable to get in the conversation.
The longer i stay quiet , the more rumours start surfacing about my problematic behaviour of not interacting with others. I get seen as troublesome and this creates a negative stigma surrounding me. With the negative bias people have in their minds now, any actions or attempts at friendship and conversation turns sour.
Usually my friends and I are not the popular bunch , so although some stayed longer , some eventually leave when there is no need for connections and group works.
I try very hard to make everyone happy , by accomdating ,complimenting and acknowledging everyone. I give them gifts and help them out with things they dont know. They probably do appreciate my help but not truly me.
Although things seems to be going well , whenever its nearing the end of a friendship , they usually start to get less responsive , and start to ghost me. One even blocked me while i thought we had something.
I always listen to others and support them with advice. They usually do come to me asking for help, although they do listen , people eventually get the " i’m better than you vibe " probably becasue i always tries to put the best of myself out there. I try not to be vulnerable , so people might have seen me as heartless. Unhappy with their lives, they usually try to tear me down.
The only time i successfully had friends was when i was in early primary school, people just flock to me and we talk and have fun. But it just seem like a distant reality now.
Being vulnerable just makes people think i’m fake, cause how could someone like me possibly be worried or sad.
In the end of the day, i still dont know how to navigate through connections , online friends are what i can get at most. No matter how hard i try i just end up alone, as if every step was wrong.

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You’re most welcome @Unseen . Thank you for sharing more with us, it was helpful to get a better understanding of your challenges.

Here are some additional steps for your consideration:

  1. Self-Acceptance: Recognise that needing time to yourself isn’t selfish. It’s about finding peace and comfort in your own space.

  2. Communication: Try initiating small conversations with others, such as:

    • Asking them about their weekend plans.
    • Commenting on a shared interest, like a recent movie or hobby.
    • Offering a compliment about something they’ve done well.

These small steps can help break the ice and show openness to interaction.

  1. Shared Interests: Look for groups or activities that align with your hobbies. Finding common ground makes conversations easier.

  2. Authenticity: Be true to yourself in interactions. It’s okay to be quiet, and also express yourself when comfortable.

  3. Social Skills Development: It may be worthwhile to learn about social thinking and grow your skills gradually. Some skills to consider:

    • Active Listening: Paying attention and responding appropriately.
    • Asking Clarifying Questions: Help the person find their own solutions rather than telling them what to do.
    • Seeking Permission: Ask if they want advice or just need to be heard, rather than assuming.
    • Therapy Support: Consider working with a therapist who can provide customised social skills training at your comfort level.
    • Body Language: Practicing with a therapist can help improve non-verbal communication skills, which are crucial in social interactions.

Navigating social relationships takes time and effort. You deserve genuine connections where you feel valued and understood, without compromising your authenticity. Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are." - Brené Brown

I hope the information above has been useful. If you need more resources or have anything else you’d like to discuss, please feel free to reach out. We’re here to listen to you, your feelings are important, and your well-being matters!

Take care,
Cool Breeze =)

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