Hello Lostsoul,
Feeling like you are not smart or good enough is a really difficult experience, and the strange part is that even though we know it doesn’t make sense, it can still feel like it does. Sometimes, it can be even worse—it can seem to objectively make sense and feel like it does.
I am here to tell you, as someone who has been through this before and has worked to become better, that this isn’t necessarily true. Even if it is true, it is not as true as we might make it out to be.
Here are the things I have learned that may help you, and if they don’t, you can always seek counselling like I have done before.
I learned that we are not our mind. What does this mean exactly?
Our mind is designed to keep us safe, not happy. This is a result of evolution, helping us stay alive in the wild by looking out for dangers and adapting our thinking to avoid failure.
We are not our mind; rather, we are the person who observes the mind.
Our mind is also connected to our feelings. From an evolutionary perspective, feelings prompt us to take action.
This means that we are not our mind or our feelings; we are simply the person observing them.
You seem to understand this really well, but I struggled with it in the beginning.
This can be seen in how you used terms like “I keep thinking I’m not going anywhere in my job or career” instead of “I am not going anywhere in my job or career,” or “On paper I look like I’m doing okay, but inside I don’t feel like I am,” instead of “On paper I look like I am doing okay, but I am not.”
More evidently, “its just all in my head.”
I am someone who believes that everyone is inherently valuable and that you don’t need to do anything to be valuable. I truly believe that everyone has a positive impact on the world, even if we don’t recognise it. Perhaps the problem is not that you aren’t valuable, but that you don’t feel that you are valuable.
This aligns with the imposter syndrome that you seem to be facing. It’s not that you aren’t good enough, but you feel like you don’t belong there.
When reflecting on your life, do you recognise similar events where you feel like you don’t belong, even if you don’t have any logical or objective reason why? Your mind may alter these objective facts, and it is important to have someone who can call you out on it.
These fears (not reality) of not being enough can cause our minds to produce these thoughts and feelings as a protective mechanism—urging us to do something. When in reality, it is often just fear, and nothing actually needs to be done. It is like how, after we watch a ghost movie, we suddenly feel like there is a ghost in our room, and it really does feel like it too—but there really isn’t (I checked).
These fears may be a result of conditioning or past events that made us believe that about ourselves. The feelings we are facing now can therefore just be an echo of fear from your past, not something rooted in the present. Just because something happened in the past does not mean you are not capable of it in the present. You are a completely different person now, with more experience and wisdom gained. Sometimes, our feelings and thoughts have not caught up with what we know to be true. It is important to recognise the context in which those experiences that first made you feel that way happened, and to recognise that these contexts no longer exist, and that you are now a different person who is capable of being better.
Some actionable steps:
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Catch the patterns
- Recognise and catch these thoughts and feelings when they come up, and label them as “false”—merely thoughts and feelings, an echo of fears.
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Make your case
- You can start to act as your own defending attorney against the prosecuting attorney—that is, your mind. Show yourself evidence as to why you do have X, Y, or Z, even if your mind is telling you otherwise. Your mind will put up a very good fight, but I am telling you, it is impossible to lose. Even if it is the smallest thing in the world, it is still evidence—even if your mind tells you, “that doesn’t count because…” Your mind is just trying to defend you against “danger,” and it will win if you believe the danger is real.
As you recognise why you are good enough, smart enough, and… whatever enough—no matter how small—your mind starts to realise, “okay, maybe we are freaking out for no reason,” and begins to disengage the negative thoughts and feelings. Until then, it is vital that you recognise every small thing that is evidence against your fear.
I struggled with feeling like I was not disciplined and was envious of how disciplined other people were. After some reflection, I realised that isn’t necessarily true. I force myself to wake up for school, even when I don’t want to. I drink water instead of Coke, even when I crave it. I leave a few Skittles behind instead of finishing a whole packet in a day. I used to wake up every morning to run—I am still that person, and I can do it today if I want to.
I used to struggle with feeling that I was not smart enough too, but after I accepted the feeling, I started to see that there is more than one version of what “being smart” means. I am very good at explaining things, even though I am not good at exams. I was never a top scorer, but I can explain concepts better than many people.
Instead of trying to see why you are not, try to see why you are. It is only fair that way, right?
I hope this helps. This is just my anecdotal experience. Always seek counselling if you need help (I did before, and you can too).
i want to run away from life and just get away.