Hi, its my first post here and I would just like to share this as there has been alot going on in my life these few months. I understand it will look concerning at first but I assure you all, im not in immediate danger, this is a compilation of (almost)everything inside, now out. I have booked a counseling appointment in sch but its still some time away, so i am making this long ahh post to
1. serve as a reference to highlight important points made to make the session more productive.
2. To keep a track record of my own thoughts.
Other relevant info:
Self assessed PHQ-9 score: 17/27 (30/1/2026), aged 20 male
enneagram: 5w4, istp
eysenck’s test: in between Melancholic and Choleric.
Extroversion/introversion: 12
neutroticism/stability: 18
psychoticism/socialisation: 14
lie/social desirability: 5
I apologise in advance as this does get quite harsh. So, with that being said please read this at your own pace/whenever you are comfortable to do so. Thank you, here it comes.
i am seriously reconsidering my future if the situation inside remains like this. There was a demon inside me, it was something that was supposed to keep my emotions in balance all the way until i was 15, when the first rounds of attacks began on myself. This â– â– â– â– â– â– â– war has been at a grueling stalemate for the past 5 years. Until last year the fighting got worse during march to august. I believe that was one of the toughest fights that my conscience has ever faced it lasted for 5 brutal months before activity reduced in mid august until November when i developed a crush on a person who did not feel the same way. I would just like to put it in simple words that this demon, this â– â– â– â– â– â– â– demon used this time of vulnerability to send out its largest attack and it toppled every single tower and destroyed everthing on the frontline.
This goddamn demon was using this time of vulnerability and healing to enrich itself in all of my remaining positive thoughts and emotions. It has now evolved, i believe it is too late. It is over for me i am beyond saving. My remaining members of what was left is now hiding and cowering from the evolved demon, just exhausted and depleted. Everyday, praying for a miracle that will never come. Hope is dwindling as this is being written, how many of the most elite and most persistent fighters have gone to face the demon all have never made it back but it did get subdued for a while until another of those triggers awakens it like JoJo’s pillar men style. I should really just accept defeat.
i have no idea what im even talking about.
1. i believe that there is not a single girl in the whole world who will ever like me as a person. I never have any girl friends (like close, platonic dont even begin on romantic please) 100%, no question about it, without a drop of doubt. People will hate me, and its all people will hate me. I am not enough to be called a "friend or a ““boyfriend/husband”” by anyone and mean it. The odds of a girl liking me romantically are so astronomically low that if it did happen, a black hole would form and consume our entire existence and then a white hole will form elsewhere to spit out all of our atoms across the f** universe. Me having a girlfriend will straight up cause calamity. It just wont happen, it will never happen and none of my relationships will go so far as to even face in the direction of romance. I have no one else to blame but me. I am desperate and I am a dangerous person to be around women. This is my curse and i will have to carry it for the rest of my life (or maybe in 5-10 years when i eventually rid myself off this world after ns or failed therapy).
I am not an incel, i honestly do not blame or resent the women/people who refuse to be with me, all of this is done by me there is no one else to blame but me. I am not human enough to be human. I have zero social skills. I have countable interests and they are all so niche, shallow and stupid that no one will even care about or understand anything about it. I have absolutely ZERO emotional intelligence im seen as blind to social cues and is awkward as f* (i will be very honest, i didnt need it, i have given up use of emotions at home they have never worked well for me, only backfired) which means that i also posess an extreme lack of empathy. Additionally, I am also a horrifically judgemental person who avoids and f* looks down on people who i dont deem as “having traits that i like” and my first reactiom to literally anything is critical i cant even express congratulations to people, laugh properly or feel happiness in general (no one done that for me, and i never feel happy for myself so maybe thats why).
If thats not enough, i am also 74kg and 173cm tall, i am fat, ugly, a haircut beyond saving, a baby face and a sad resting face as a result of not ever being able to be happy.
You might think when you meet me in person you would think that “wow this guy is pretty well maintained and well off, hes cool haha.” but when you actually get to know me you see this miserable, sad loser with no purpose in life, no aspirations and is just barely surviving day to day.
At home its not any better, being spotted with any f* emotion other than neutrality or “happy” gets a relentless goddamn interrogation session as well as a yelling if the emotion is too obvious and if unable to give a valid answer to the interrogation questions. No “how are doing? whats going on?” in a kind and warm setting, just straight up “What is wrong with you? you look like you always have so many problems why you dont share with us? we promise we wont judge, interrupt, not listen, make it all about ourselves, throw a tantrum because it is not how i wanted you to be, talk about back in the day stuff, argue and push this to it being your fault and saving this for next time alright?” yea no im not doing that, thats why i live 3 lives, one external, one internal and myself.
Dont you think thats hard? No s*** it is.
“Ohh just be grateful for what you have right now, there are so many other people that dream to be in your place right now so you cant just give up on this.”
This is the best part, I AM Grateful but all of this s*** in the brain, all of it is truly ALLLLLLLLLL MY DOING. I DONT FEEL DESERVE WHAT I HAVE NOW, I DESERVE THIS CURSE THAT I WILL NEVER BREAK OUT OF NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY. Oh and if you ask “why not just talk to your friends about this?” Oh boy i did, multiple times even and you know what?
2 doesnt actually care and just gives surface level unsolicited “advice” that they THINK i have not considered but i have and did not work and i have to argue back to say i tried it and then they say im cooked like BRO I KNOW f* me and put me in space, 1 becomes a youtube advice commentary channel on self help attached to a consultancy firm, “heres what i have to offer you if you would sign this contract and deposit a down payment of your own personal life to enjoy 2 years of self help advice you miserable f*.”
1 is absent and just doesnt give a s*** as im just a number to their list of people she calls “friends”,
1 keeps trying to 1 up me on this and actually really annoys me and the bloody demon off, and the last one just doesnt know what to say.
i have written a list of things to serve as my plan now:
1. therapy (free), group therapy to at least feel heard and have people who actually understand this s*** and can possibly help.
if that doesnt work,
2. paid therapy, this thing is too much for free stuff, requires a dedicated effort (CBT, â– â– â– â– maybe even Electroconvulsive therapy bro zap my brain)
if that doesnt work,
3. write everything that has gone wrong with this life, put it nicely and transform into ashes/go 6ft underground.
i will give just 5-10 more years. If this situation stagnates or gets worse. i might just see myself about to leave, and when i do i’ll look back and say “thats a true loser’s life.” before there is no point for this war to continue forever.