hello there!! i’m gnabnahc. in my psle year, which was really bad, now that i look back. i had suicidal thoughts, really bad mental state and was sh quite frequently too, so when i didn’t get the al score i was expected too, things just got a lot worse. from a young age, i’ve been told that im ‘gifted’ and ‘have a lot of potential’, so good grades were a staple for me, or should i say, still are…? im in sec2 now, and i still have periods which i can only describe as depressive episodes. my mental health still isn’t too great. i’ve also been told since a young age that i don’t have enough self-esteem, and i do agree, its still is quite bad. i don’t like to talk about what i feel, and what i think, as most of the time people either think i’m on the verge of a complete breakdown or think that i’m doing it for the attention. my parents don’t even think that mental health is a topic. they used to beat me a lot, in p3 and 4, and always expect me to be a perfect child. they’re very attached to the p1&2 version of me, getting 100% on everything and being coddled by everyone, but that’s okay, we’re slowly loosing that notion. but the funny thing here is, i actually feel great when im being pitied. it makes me crave it more and more. i have been to a couple of counselling sessions, but most of them were to gain this pity from them. i lie, a lot too, with ease, to get this pity, to the point i’ve created an complete alter ego for myself. i don’t know what’s gone wrong with me, but i knwo something has, and i intend to solve it as soon as possible. i do not wish to drag this era any further into my life. please share your opinions. thank you.
Hi @gnabnahc
Thank you for opening up and sharing your experiences. I can sense how much you’re going through, and it sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot of heavy feelings and expectations for a long time. I’m sad you’ve had to experience all of this, and I just want you to know that your emotions are valid and it’s okay to feel the way you do. It’s clear that you’ve been under a lot of pressure, both from the world around you and from your own inner struggles.
Dealing with the weight of people’s expectations, especially from a young age, can be exhausting, and it’s understandable that it feels overwhelming. It also sounds like you’ve had a tough time finding support that really listens and understands what you’re going through, and that can leave you feeling alone and misunderstood. The fact that you’re recognising these feelings and want to address them is really important, and I want to reassure you that you’re taking the first step towards healing just by acknowledging that there’s something you want to change. You don’t have to carry this on your own.
It sounds like you’re caught between the desire for people to recognise your pain and the fear of being misunderstood or judged, which can make it harder to reach out for support in the ways you need. The craving for pity or attention is sometimes a way our minds cope when we feel like we’re invisible, or when we’ve been hurt by those around us, even if they didn’t intend to. It’s okay to feel that way, but I want to encourage you to try and lean into creating healthier ways to seek the attention and validation you deserve—not just from others, but from yourself, too. You are worthy of care and love, just as you are, and you don’t need to prove your worth to anyone.
Here are a few thoughts that might help you in moving forward:
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Talking to a counsellor or therapist: It’s great that you’ve been to counselling, even if it wasn’t always helpful. Sometimes it takes a while to find the right person who truly understands you and makes you feel safe. You might consider reaching out again, but this time being more open about your struggles—tell them about the things you’ve shared here, like the desire for pity and the alter ego you’ve created. A therapist can help you understand these behaviors and guide you toward healthier ways to cope.
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Exploring your emotions: It’s hard to talk about feelings, especially when they’re so complicated. But journaling can be a great way to get in touch with what you’re really feeling. You don’t have to share it with anyone—just write to yourself. Sometimes putting things down on paper can help release some of the pressure you’re feeling inside.
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Working on self-esteem: I understand that you’ve been told you don’t have enough self-esteem, and it’s tough when you feel like you’re constantly falling short of others’ expectations. Try focusing on small things that make you feel proud of yourself, even if they seem minor. Self-worth isn’t about being perfect; it’s about accepting who you are, flaws and all, and acknowledging your own value. Start with self-compassion—treat yourself as kindly as you would treat a close friend.
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Setting realistic goals: It’s okay to not be perfect, and it’s okay to not always meet every expectation. You don’t need to be a “gifted” student to be valuable. Maybe try setting smaller, achievable goals for yourself that are based on what you want, not on others’ expectations. This can help you take pressure off yourself while still making progress in a healthy way.
You’ve been through a lot, but please know that you don’t have to go through it alone. Taking small steps towards getting the help you deserve can be hard, but it’s also one of the bravest things you can do. It’s a journey, and there’s no rush. You have so much worth, and you deserve all the love and care you can give yourself.
Take care, and know that people out there truly care and want the best for you. You’ve got this, even if it doesn’t always feel that way.
Sending you kindness and strength. 
Welcome back, @gnabnahc!
It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot - pressure, expectations, and a complicated relationship with how people see you. It’s good that you recognize the cycle of craving pity and creating an alter ego. That self-awareness means you have the power to change it.
Can you ask yourself what do you actually need from people? Is it support, understanding, or something deeper? If you weren’t seeking pity, how else could you express your struggles?
If you want to break this cycle, maybe start small by being honest with yourself first. Not about how others see you, but about what you actually need. And if counseling hasn’t been the right space for you so far, maybe explore a different approach? Maybe one that focuses on who you are beyond achievements and struggles. You don’t have to do this alone, and you definitely don’t have to keep carrying these old expectations.
You’re more than what people expect of you.