Help in my next few steps in life

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1

Hi sorry I don’t know who else I can talk to about this so I’m writing it here. I’m 21 and ever since 17 due to some school problems I have a lot of suicidal thoughts during that period of time and it was essentially so pain that I really needed to relieve the pain through physical harm. I think it was really bad when I was 17-18 and it got worse again recently this year and I really feel like I am not able to continue telling myself that tomorrow is going to be a better day. I’ve been telling myself that every single time I feel down since I was 17 and truthfully everything just seems worse and it gets harder each time to bring myself back and continue living. Nowadays I don’t even have the mood and energy to talk to my family or get out of bed even.

Don’t really have anyone to talk to about this as there was once my parents saw the cuts and yet they never said anything about it and so I was like wow maybe they’re not really the best ones to talk about these. I used to have a lot of panic attacks when I was 13-14? But my parents just concluded that I was unhealthy so I was having these breathing difficulties even though I had these because I was overly thinking about some stuff. Tbh I think I would probably still have panic attacks once every month if I didn’t learn to control them? Like I know when the attack is coming and then I just take deep breaths to cool myself down. Also there are a few times where I share about my life with my parents and they never seemed to care. I’ve been in Uni for 2 years and they still don’t even know what I’m studying even though I have a brother who’s also in Uni for 2 years and they can say it out easily. Recently I went for a health checkup and apparently I lost 7kg within a year. I didn’t even know that it was not normal until the doctor asked me i was alright and whether I had depression. Tbh I really wanted to tell them about how I feel but I keep thinking how admitting your condition may affect seeking for jobs in the future so I didnt dare. Told my parents what the doctor said and once again no response…

Even though I do have friends, I don’t tell them anything about my mental health as I feel that if my family who has been with me all this time doesn’t care, what makes me think they should and will care? Feels like they’re going to go away once I share. This also comes from the fact that I used to have a close friend for 7 years before she told me one day that I was never the type of friend she wanted? That really made me feel like friends could leave anytime and so I should always try my best to be someone they want to stay by their side.

There was once things really got quite bad and I actually tried one of the online consultations as I felt like I really couldn’t do it anymore. Once the video started, I started crying non stop and for some reason I felt very fake? I didn’t know whether it was even correct for me to feel this way or is my life even that sad? I got so scared after that call that I didn’t dare to do it another time.

Nowadays I feel like I’m always feel down and a small thing could really trigger the life out of me. Today I even cried while walking back home and I really don’t know why, I just couldn’t hold it back anymore.

So just wanted to ask what should be my next steps as I really don’t feel like living like this anymore. Honestly after writing this I feel a lot better as well but I feel like I can’t keep doing this as well

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Hey, ive been there. Sh, anxiety attacks and attempted b4. I went thru therapy n improved to a point i felt recovered. Life recently sucks so i am relasping a bit here and there but i will get past this too. Running helps the most w the above 3 problems for me.

Make use of ur uni school counsellor

I can chat w u about mental struggles n discuss how to overcome it while being frens if u r open about it

3

Hey @user1787,

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us. I can really sense the pain you’re carrying, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed. It sounds like you’re in a difficult place right now, where you’re questioning your worth, your mental health, and the support you have from those around you. I can hear that you’re struggling to connect with others, especially your family, because they haven’t really seen or understood what you’re going through. I want you to know that we are here for you, and I’m glad you’re reaching out, even if it feels hard.

From what you’ve shared, it sounds like you’re being deeply neglected, particularly by your family. It must be incredibly painful to feel like you’ve been ignored or that your struggles haven’t been validated. You’ve been trying to cope with everything on your own, but it’s clear that you need more than just silence or dismissal from those who should be there for you. It’s okay to feel angry or sad about that. The longing for connection and care is deeply human, and you’ve been longing for someone to just see you and hear what you’re truly going through.

You also shared a lot about your feelings of shame and fear, especially when it comes to reaching out for help. I can understand why you might be afraid to ask for support—feeling like you might be a burden or that others might reject you, especially when your own family hasn’t provided the support you need. It’s hard when you’ve been conditioned to think that people will leave if you ask for help.

But here’s the thing—you deserve to be cared for and supported. Your struggles are real, and it’s okay to want and need help. I want to honor the courage it took for you to express your feelings here. You’re not alone, and it’s important to recognize that your emotions are valid, even if they feel too overwhelming at times.

You’ve already shown incredible resilience in how you’ve managed panic attacks on your own. That’s a strength you should be proud of. But it’s also okay to admit that you don’t want to do it all by yourself anymore. Asking for help is a form of strength, not weakness. And I think that’s where we can start—slowly exploring what it means to accept care and support from others, without the fear that they will leave you or judge you. You don’t have to carry this alone anymore.

As we move forward, let’s help you find ways to build more of that connection with yourself and others. Together, we’ll work on finding healthier ways to manage the emotional pain you’re experiencing, and most importantly, you’ll learn how to ask for what you need, just as your doctor encouraged you to do. It’s okay to need help, and it’s okay to be vulnerable.

Please take your time with this process, and let’s start small.

Perhaps we can start by asking, if you were a friend to @user1787, and you now knew all these things that are happening to @user1787, what is the one thing that you think of to say and attend to @user1787?

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heyyy im glad that you reached out and shared your story here though there were many times you tried but were turned away or turned down… and sometimes that happens in life, we can get so many No’s but there will be that Yes nod that we will receive if we keep trying!!
hope to give you that assurance on here! your feelings and experiences matter and are valid, and we hear them!
about your online consult, maybe it felt fake because you are not used to sharing your experiences with a receptive party, youre just not used to it and it takes some getting used to, like all things in life. can maybe try again when youre ready, to go for another online consult :slight_smile:
i feel like the first step is to embrace yourself and allow yourself to feel what you feel without minimising or denying them, whether its good or bad. i feel like the only way dealing with emotions is to go through them, we cant escape or avoid it, it will be there till we process through them. have you tried journaling or doing some regular reflecting?