spilling my inner demons because i have no one to talk to and i am so done with my life

To say the least, this year has been an absolute shitfest. I am convinced that the world hates me. If not, then why is it that I constantly find myself in situations that leave me feeling all these horrid negative emotions? It definitely got worse in the second half (of the year). Hell, it all went downhill from May. Since then I have felt nothing but heightened anxiety and sadness. I lead every day second-guessing everything and making up the worst scenarios in my head because I don’t want to relive them again. I’ve had enough. The whole of June, I laid in bed trapped by the fear of something tragic happening in the night. All I could hear was the pounding of my heart against my ribs. I ended up suffering from insomnia for the whole month. But hey, I pretended to not know the reason for my poor sleep. Spoiler alert: I did. And sometimes my heart is suddenly inundated and heavy for no reason at all. I just get this pang in my chest and I start thinking about all the bad things in my life right now. Man, holding tears in public is no easy feat. There was once I cried on the bus home.

Everyone around me always looks so happy and free. They have their own nice lives, they’re doing so many things out in this world, they’re studying hard, they’re having so much fun hanging out with their friends, they’re getting boyfriends and girlfriends and living out their own youthful romance. They have fun with their siblings. I hear people talk about their siblings, how they do fun activities together. I hear about how their siblings have all gone to university, lead their own lives. And somehow, that hole in my gut grows wider. I find myself at the brink of knowing and unknowing every day. I am envious of them. I want a sibling I can count on. I want to know that I have someone to talk to and feel safe with. I want to live a life free of worries.

All around me, I see friends with actual functional family relations. “Oh, my dad is picking me up”, they say. I am ever so tempted to say, “Hey, my dad is picking me up too.” I wish I had the privilege of growing up with a present figure in my life. My mom is great. But sometimes I kinda hoped little me had a dad to talk to, you know?

I don’t think I’ve really genuinely felt happy for a while now. I smile, yeah, but all my monsters come running back. I so desperately want to unravel them with someone, but I am a coward.

I dread coming home every day. I used to sprint home at any opportunity I got. Now I find myself purposely dragging out the time I spend in school just so that I can stay out a while longer. Home is where I should feel secure (In a mental sense? Not physical). I don’t feel relaxed. I find myself putting on a show for them to see, to hide the fact that I am crumbling underneath. Because if I do, I know all my feelings will get worse.

I wonder what my friends would have to say if they ever knew. Maybe I’ll bear witness to the pity in their eyes. Sometimes I think about how nice it would be if I ceased to exist. Or what if I had been another dimension. I think in that one, I’d be happy.

I find myself thinking a lot about the future. How will things change? How will I handle all my burdens and responsibilities? In that future, I probably won’t have a life of my own. And that I’m scared of. I want to hang out with friends into the late night. I want to go on international adventures with friends. I want to indulge myself in romance. But I can’t. Not in that future. Sometimes I imagine a different future, one where I am free to frolic in the fields. And I really hope that comes true. But I catch myself before I get too deep in those thoughts. Inhumane.

F_ck this. I just want to run away, climb up the tallest building and give this f_cking world the largest middle finger. I am so tired.

Sorry if all this is so cryptic and out of context. I’ve been bottling this in for a good half a year and yet I’m still too much of a chicken to give full details. Makes everything too real.


Hi @jimmyjams

First of all, thank you for taking the courage to share with us your struggles and being so authentic with us on this platform, I really appreciate that and commend you for your bravery.

I want you to know that I’m truly sorry to hear that you’ve been going through such a challenging time; and does indeed it takes a lot of strength to share these feelings, and I appreciate your openness. The emotions you’re experiencing are incredibly valid, and I can see that you’ve been carrying a heavy burden for quite some time.

It sounds like you’re dealing with a multitude of difficult emotions, from anxiety and sadness to feelings of envy and isolation. The weight of these emotions can be overwhelming, especially when you feel like you have to put on a mask for those around you. Your longing for a sense of security, a confidant, and a more carefree life is palpable in your words.

I want to emphasize that seeking support is a courageous and important step. It might be helpful to talk to someone you trust about what you’re going through, whether it’s a friend, family member, or a mental health professional. You don’t have to manage these feelings alone, and there are people who care and want to help. For a start, you can actually try to contact the nearest Family Service Centre to your home, so that you can start speaking to a professional about receiving support. Alternatively, I encourage you to try speaking a professional online at either one of these options:

I understand that it might feel overwhelming sometimes too, so please do keep these numbers and contact them in case of emergency or in case you find yourself in crisis:

Again, I want to encourage you that your thoughts about the future are valid concerns, and it’s okay to feel scared about what lies ahead. Remember that it’s okay not to have all the answers right now :slight_smile:

You are definitely not alone, we are here to continue to support you. Please let us know what you have decided to do to seek help, and let us journey with you. Keep us updated ya? Hear from you soon.


I read your post so many times. You write really well and I just wanna say that you’re not alone. I relate so much to :point_up: this too.

Life can really feel like a shitfest at times and I can’t imagine feeling like this for an entire year. It’s really a lot to handle. Have you thought of ways to bounce back? Sounds cheesy but when you hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up :balloon:


I feel and can relate to this so much, you’re not alone (it is very normal to feel jealous and lost in life). I am trying to not be jealous but I felt a ugly shade of jealousy of those people I used to called friends, watching how fun their lives were on ig and all, it made me feel like my life is insignificant compared to them, and now that I am going to turn 20 next year, it made me feel even worse that I am doing nothing about my life, I am lost and useless in life, I have no job or higher education because I am trapped by my own mental health and its irony how my house used to be my safety place when I was still schooling but now I want to run away from my house


Thank you for your advice :slight_smile:

I did consider visiting the school counsellor before (I’m 17), but felt a bit apprehensive since school counsellors usually have a bad rep (eg. telling teachers and parents). Plus, I tried asking around for seniors’ experiences with the school counsellors and received mixed opinions, so I guess that put me off even more.

I think I’ll check out the resources you’ve linked first!


Haha, thanks! I do enjoy writing :wink:

I haven’t really thought of any ways to bounce back. I’m only 17 so I guess the future feels too far away yet so real? If that makes any sense? I have considered visiting my school counsellor but you know how school counsellors are, so I’ve been hesitating on that front. And it feels kinda mean saying this but I don’t trust my friends enough to tell them about everything (they’re nice, just my own personal shortcomings).


Thank you for sharing your own feelings too :slight_smile:

Makes me feel less alone haha, may we stay strong and find our footing.


Hey @jimmyjams

Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing what you’ve been through in the past year with us here. I can’t imagine what it was like to shoulder the weight of these thoughts on your own for half a year. :smiling_face_with_tear:

It seems to me that you’re a really strong individual. You’re finding ways to unpack what you’re going through even when it scares you. I hope that some of the resources shared by @cottonsoul may help you find the safe space that you’ve longed for. :sparkles:

Should you need a place to rant in the immediate future, I hope you know that you can always do so here. :smiling_face:


Actually that’s not mean. I feel that way most times too and have a different persona that I portray to different groups of people. But the deepest, darkest secrets are just kept to myself. Maybe one day we’ll be able to find someone to open up to but for now…

17 is quite an exciting age isn’t it? Lots of transitions ongoing and upcoming. Every transition is an opportunity to “restart” yourself and present a new you. I assume you’re moving / just moved into a tertiary institution and you’ll stay there for the next 2-3 years. If things work out, you’ll have a nice group of friends for the next few years. If things don’t, you’ll probably transition to another place (either army, another school or work) in 2-3 years. Many chances to restart and take control of your life haha