Hello, it feels weird to write out all of this. I’m not used to sharing my feelings to anyone at all. Even if I do share it to a friend, I always feel regretful the next day. Like “Why did I even share this with them? This is personal and they didn’t have to know it.”
Because of this, I feel very alone. I don’t feel like I have anyone but myself in this world. Whenever I feel any emotional hardships, I always end up telling myself “You are alone. There is nobody out there who will understand you but yourself. You are destined to be alone and you have to accept it.” To be honest, I thought I’m used to being alone. I used to have lots of friends back during my elementary years (atleast, I considered them being one). It was until the end my elementary years, I began to feel like they don’t really think of me as their friends. So we distanced ourselves little by little. Ever since then, it felt difficult for me to maintain or even form a friendship. Friendships started to feel meaningless. Not only that, I stay home most of the time now since I don’t really have people to hang out with. And well, let’s just say home isn’t exactly lovely either.
I’m the youngest child of the family. I think because of that, my parents and my siblings often feels like it’s okay to belittle and insult me all the time. Whenever I did something wrong like picking up the wrong stuff that they asked or not having an idea on how to do things that they find simple, they would be so sarcastic and go like “Ofcourse she wouldn’t know, she can’t do anything right. Since when can we rely on her for anything.” They always say stuffs like that while at the same time they always ask me to do stuffs for them. My parents find me unreliable and my sibling finds me useless. My parents would often find my sibling to do their bidding instead of me and my sibling would get pissed because they always asked for her instead of me. Since I was young until today (I’m in my 20’s now), they always belittle and insult me. I want them to stop. I want them to just shut their mouth. Lately, the emotional toil has gotten so bad that to be honest, I just want to straight out scream at their face back and go berserk. This whole time I just listened and hardly fought back because I feel that what they say is true in way.(Also they always fought back harder, it’s like they’ll die if they let me win). But hey, just because you are incapable, it doesn’t mean that you want to hear it all the time right? It’s not like I’m not self-aware. They remind me of that almost every single day for what felt like my entire life.
My parents aren’t helpful either. The parent that earns money (parent A), would also constantly remind everyone that they worked their ■■■ off to feed the entire family. How the children is so ungrateful and useless whenever we can’t do something right or complaining. I also remember from my childhood years, how they always argue with each other almost everyday about anything. It’s mostly parent A getting mad at the other for screwing things up. Because of that, I hate hearing arguments and I absolutely hate loud noises. This sounds ungrateful but I think the only value my parents actually provide would be monetary. Food, shelter, clothes, stuffs that needs money. I can’t remember the last time I feel “love” from them. When I was younger, they would try to hug me, and I would push them away. I don’t think they love me to begin with. Parent A have said it more than once, how they wish they hadn’t given birth if they’re all just going to be disappointments. They says this while still relying us for help with chores and stuffs. If they do love their child, it’s probably the first one, is what me and my other sibling thought. She’s very social and seem to always able to make conversations with my parents. This oldest sibling, as I know for most of my childhood years, have mostly been absent. She would always hangout with her friends, boyfriend, if she’s at home, she’ll either sleep or play with her phone. While me and my other sibling would be at home, which means we are the one who has to deal with our parents’s emotional crap. Even when they nag about my oldest sibling’s attitude, they would always tell it to us not her. Telling us to not be like her and yet acting like they adore her the most.
Huff, I’m sorry for this long venting. I just feel tired. These recent months, I just feel so numb. Like I don’t feel happy or excited or anything. When I do, the only thing I can feel is intense anger, irritation or sadness (result of altercation with my family member). I don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel, I feel ungrateful, that I’m just as bad, or I’m not looking at their perspective. But I hate how they treat me like I’m just a piece of garbage with no emotions, that I just forget everything they have said to me until now. I don’t think my family believes in emotional well-being (they will probably say they have it the hardest). I can’t ever talk to them about theses stuffs. I also don’t think I can ever recover from these sense of worthlessness and loneliness. Anway, thank you all for reading all the way to this last bit. Hope you all have a great day.
