Hello. I’m just gonna dump everything I’ve been typing the past hour. For context. At 12am on 9aug, I started running. I continued moving. Till I hit 61km at 9:40am. It was difficult.
When I finished the run, I didn’t feel accomplishment. I just felt relieved. Relieved about what? I don’t know myself. I should feel proud about it. For I’ve been thinking about this almost everyday for the past four months. Yet I feel emptier than before. Emptier than when I was training for it, not knowing whether I could truly finish it. That 700+ km I’ve accumulated for this. It doesn’t make sense. And I don’t know whether I really want it to make sense. I don’t know if I really want it to get better.
Did I do it for the accomplishment? For people to see me differently after finishing an ultramarathon? Something I said I was gonna do? Or was it to prove to myself that I can do hard things if I put my mind to it? Prove to myself that im moving forward and not backwards? Or was it for myself to change my perspective of myself and the people around me. For me to see my surroundings in a different light. For me to be able to view things in a different pov and maybe make things look and seem better or the best it could be.
After my run, I opened up YouTube. I didn’t get the same satisfaction. I opened up tiktok and Instagram multiple times yet I didn’t feel anything. I looked at the games on my phone and none of them had the same pull, same call as before. None gave me the interest. None of my computer games made me want to sit and play. I was droning. Doing nothing that made me feel something the whole day after the run. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t think or do things normally. I had no interest in anything whatsoever. I couldn’t find something interesting to do that will capture my attention for a little while. I tried to sleep but my mind kept me awake. I tried to relax but I kept myself alert.
When they asked me what I wanted to do or eat, I said I don’t know. Not because I didn’t want to seem greedy or wanting. But because I really don’t know. Doing nothing felt horrible. Like I was missing something. Not exercising. Made me feel a void in my chest that I can’t seem to fill no matter what I do. My chest hurts and I don’t know why.
I did that whole thing solo. Just me. No support. No run community. No one. Just the darkness of the night. Looping a reservoir I have run tens of times.
this feeling sucks. And I can’t do anything about it. I don’t have anyone to talk to.