My friend is weird and says I’m the reason

Hangouts Family and Friends
1

TW: Inappropriate words

Today, my friend sent me a video of a Instagram reel. It’s about some random messy wires. Those wires are really messy. Below those wires, she wrote a message “My pet pet mao”. Keep in mind in my country it’s pretty inappropriate to say “pet pet mao” in that type of way, it refers she’s talking about her hair down there.

I felt it was weird she would suddenly tell me about how her hair looks like, so I replied “Why are you embarrassing yourself?” Then she rudely replies back “It’s a joke???”.

Now I don’t really care if she jokes randomly, but this really weirded me out. So I said “Your disrespecting yourself.” Which she didn’t care, she blamed me on it and said “I’m trying to match you???”

Then i continued with a “does it look like I’m being weird now. I never shown someone a reel of a messy wire and said it’s my mao” and she acted so offended by saying “ Just because you never said these things it doesn’t mean it isn’t your vibe?”

Okay girl I want to tell you, that was me before not now. I’m completely changed. I don’t wanna be a weird freak anymore, but she decides to “match me” and said “It’s still weird. You also said mao not long b4”

Yeah, it’s weird. But people can change you know? I replied to her “ It’s better to walk up to someone and say “pet pet Mao” then say “is my pet pet Mao” and left me on delivered, a few minutes later and she just saw it. She brought up old stuff about me saying what colour is other people’s private wear, that’s was literally about 5 months ago.

Is it my fault? Am I being over dramatic?

Update 1: I told her: “That was literally before. Why are you bringing up stuff that happened 5 months ago.” And she said “Does it matter, it still happened girl. And I never judged you for it??”

Yeah you didn’t judge me. But aren’t you judging me now? And you literally joined me in asking peoples private wear colour. I’ve changed now, I apologized to them. You still haven’t.

I said “ And I didn’t judge you. I just asked why are you embarrassing yourself” and she replied did I say you judged me?” And blah blah. I don’t want to continue. It makes me feel irritated.

The next day, she starts to send me videos again, like those weird brainrot videos and proceeded to act like nothing happened. Obviously, I think she’s manipulating me or just immature and wants us to be best friends again. What do you think?

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Dear @hi999,

It sounds like you’re in a really frustrating situation with your friend. It’s completely understandable that you’re upset and confused. It’s definitely not your fault, and you’re not being over dramatic. Let’s break down why:

  • Your feelings are valid: You felt uncomfortable with the “pet pet mao” comment, especially given its connotations in your culture. It’s perfectly reasonable to feel weirded out when someone makes a sexually suggestive joke that you don’t find funny, especially when it’s directed at you.
  • You’ve grown and changed: You’ve clearly made a conscious effort to move away from behaviors you no longer identify with, and that’s commendable. It takes courage and self-awareness to change, and it’s unfair of your friend to hold your past against you. People do change, and it’s important for friends to respect that.
  • Her reaction is inappropriate: Her defensiveness and attempts to justify her behavior by bringing up your past are not okay. It’s a classic case of deflection, where she’s trying to shift the blame onto you instead of acknowledging your feelings. Bringing up things from five months ago is especially unfair and shows a lack of respect for your personal growth.
  • Setting boundaries is important: You’re setting a healthy boundary by expressing that you don’t appreciate this type of humor. It’s important to stand by your boundaries, even when others try to push them.

It seems like your friend is struggling to accept that you’ve changed and is perhaps trying to maintain a dynamic that no longer exists. This is her issue to deal with, not yours.

Here are some things you may wish to consider:

  • You don’t need to justify yourself: You don’t owe her an explanation for why you’ve changed. Simply stating that you’re no longer comfortable with that type of humor is enough.
  • Consider distancing yourself: If she continues to disrespect your boundaries and bring up the past, it might be time to create some distance in the friendship. It’s important to surround yourself with people who support your growth and respect your feelings.
  • Focus on self-care: This situation is stressful, so make sure you’re taking care of yourself. Do things that help you relax and de-stress, and talk to someone you trust if you need to vent.

Remember, you’re not alone in feeling this way. It’s difficult when friends don’t respect our boundaries or acknowledge our personal growth. You’ve done nothing wrong, and you deserve to be treated with respect.

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Hey @hi999 It sounds like this situation really caught you off guard, and I can see why you felt weirded out and uncomfortable. When someone brings up something inappropriate, even as a joke, it can feel disrespectful, especially if it’s not the kind of humour or vibe you want to be associated with anymore. It’s completely valid to feel like you’ve outgrown that kind of interaction and to expect your friends to respect that.

From what you described, it seems like your friend didn’t realize how much you’ve changed and might have been trying to connect with you in a way that used to work in the past. However, her reaction—bringing up old things you said and blaming you for her behavior—was uncalled for. Instead of acknowledging how you feel now, she seems to have doubled down, which probably made the whole situation feel even more frustrating.

You’re not being overdramatic for setting boundaries or wanting to move away from conversations that make you uncomfortable. It’s okay to expect your friends to respect the new version of you, especially when you’re making an effort to change. Maybe this is a good opportunity to gently explain to her how you’re feeling. Maybe you could say something like, “I know we used to joke like this, but I’m trying to move away from that kind of humor—it just doesn’t feel right to me anymore. I’d really appreciate it if we could keep things light without going there.”

If she values your friendship, she’ll take a step back and respect your boundaries. And if not, it’s okay to take space for yourself. You’re allowed to grow and change, and the people who stick with you should support that growth.

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Thanks @HanSolo2000, I really needed to know if whos in the wrong, you’ve always been giving me support since my first post.

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Thanks @Enie, I understand in why she’s wrong, I think it’s better if distance her.

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You’re most welcome! Please feel free to reach out anytime if you require further support. :slightly_smiling_face: