My mother body checks me while I'm sleeping and stuff, is this normal?

Ask a Therapist Is This Normal?
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(tw: sh)

When we sleep in the same bed due to being in a hotel, or just when she finds me asleep in general, sometimes she’d uncover my blanket and pull up my pants to see my scars (I harm on my legs). She also purposefully walk in on me a few times while I’m changing clothes or in the bathroom.

This bothers me a lot, and she knows this, but the few times I tried talking to her about it she always argues that she’s just worried and it’s justified because I’m her child so she has the right to do this. A part of me thinks that maybe it is justified because of her worry as my parent, and maybe her actions aren’t conveying what she actually means. I’ve been second guessing my own distress and stance in this even until now.

Well really, the thing that bothers me the most is how despite doing this constantly, she never does anything to help. Granted, I’ve never asked explicitly. But she’s known abt my harming since I was 12 and still did nothing over the years. It kinda just feel like I’m a spectacle to soothe her curiosity or something.

She used to make a big point of saying “No one in this world is going to love you as much as I do. Even your friends will abandon you someday, but not me”, and maybe this will sound naive, but at a point in time I did actually believe her. Maybe that’s why I expected so much from her.

Idk, is it presumptuous for me to assume that she’d help when it’s my own fault? Is it normal, and maybe even supposed to be helpful, for parents to leave their child to figure out things like this on their own? I just thought if anyone in this world is going to help it’d be my own mother, but she’s turned a blind eye for so long. I know that she cares though (at least I hope so).

She isn’t a terrible mother or anything, she tries her best with raising me and I know that she does love me, so it’s all very confusing. I kinda resent her for turning a blind eye, but I feel terrible for resenting her because technically it’s my own mess and responsibility anyway, and I’m not supposed to be so hung up on her flaws when I should be grateful for the countless other things she’s done for me.

I don’t know what’s justified or not, but then it’s probably not that deep and I’m the only one overthinking this, such things happen a lot between myself and others haha. I know I really should focus my energy on figuring out my own problems rather than playing the blame game between myself and my mother, but it hurts more than I’d like to admit and I don’t know what to do with it.

Am I just digging my own grave and is it better if I just let this all go? Because I’m going to uni in a few weeks so it probably won’t matter with my mother and I living separately soon anyway.

(note: I’m ok and have been clean for a few weeks ^^ )

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Dear @user1652

Thank you so much for sharing all of this. It takes a lot of courage to put something so raw and complicated into words. And reading what you wrote, I just want to say: your feelings are real, valid, and you are not overthinking. You’re trying to make sense of something that’s deeply painful, and you’re doing it with self-awareness and honesty. That matters.

It makes complete sense that what your mom does — uncovering your blanket, checking your scars without your permission, walking in while you’re changing — feels invasive. Even if she says it’s out of concern, that doesn’t make it okay. It’s understandable that you feel violated, uncomfortable, and hurt. That doesn’t make you ungrateful — it means you’re a person with boundaries, which you’re completely allowed to have.

And yes, parents may worry. But worry should never come at the cost of your dignity. It also makes total sense that the part that hurts the most is not just what she did, but what she didn’t do. Knowing you were struggling all these years and not reaching out with real help, that leaves a deep ache. You expected care, not just surveillance. And it’s okay to feel sad about that gap between what you hoped for and what you received.

It’s not your fault for not asking. As a child, you shouldn’t have had to. Being left to figure it out alone, while still being monitored in ways that feel more about control than care, is confusing and painful. You’re not overreacting — you’re responding to something that was hard to carry alone.

I sense the guilt and resentment. It’s hard to hold love and hurt in the same space, but both are valid. You can love your mom and still feel deeply let down. You can recognise the things she’s done right and still wish she showed up differently in the moments that mattered most. That doesn’t make you selfish — it makes you human.

Now, as you move into uni, it’s okay to carry these mixed feelings. But you also have the right to focus on your healing now — to build space that feels safer, softer, and more your own. You don’t have to force yourself to “let it all go,” but do give yourself permission to start again, with more distance and more clarity.

You’re not too much nor are you ungrateful. You’re not ungrateful. You’re someone who’s been hurt and you deserves real support.

And I’m glad that you have been staying clean these past few weeks. That’s not a small thing. It shows something strong and gentle inside you — a part of you that still believes things can get better.

Do continue to reach out whenever needed - for example to process this further or to figure out how to navigate university with all these emotions in the background. You don’t have to go through it alone. :yellow_heart:

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Hello @user1652,

Don’t worry, I don’t think you are overthinking things. It’s completely reasonable to be bothered about your mother checking in on you like that. Personal space and privacy is very important, even more when you’re sleeping or changing.

Having such complex feelings is understandable for this situation, especially the disappointment that she couldn’t see your struggles and help you through it. It’s great that you still see the good parts of your relationship with her, and how she tries to love you in her own way. But I understand why you hoped she would have done more as well. Maybe she just doesn’t know how to help in the right way.

I also agree with you on focusing on yourself, I think this problem would fade after you build more reliance on yourself and manage to heal! It would seem not that significant to you when you start a new chapter of your life and meet more people. You’re already independent and mature for that.

And I don’t know you irl but I’m really glad to hear you’ve been clean the past few weeks! I hope you look forward to uni, it will definitely be better for you to live separately from your mom for a while.

All the best, feel free to write in again!

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hi there, thank you for being really brave and sharing about the distress you’re experiencing. What your mum does and how it affects you is real. While it’s put as care to do these checks, the checks are done out of your control and without your consent. I hear there’s a sense of guilt for feeling that way, but all the feelings are valid.

I hear you’re asking the question of what to do — anyway you’re going into uni so what do you do from now till then? I think like what some other commenters mentioned, I’m wondering if there are things you can do to take back a sense of control for yourself at home. This might look different for different people, but they’re just things that help you carve out your own space and independence at home to cope. For example, if there are any rooms you’re able to lock the door and to give yourself some time there everyday. Or to journal in somewhere that’s private knowing that that is your space. And maybe that might help cope until you have more space in uni.

Regardless, if you need further help, I recommend talking to someone for professional help if you’re not yet already

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Hey @user1652. What you shared moved me and my heart goes out to you. This isn’t “too much”, and you’re not imagining things or overthinking it. This is a painful situation. What’s you’ve been through… the confusion, the pain, the guilt, the second-guessing, it’s all very real. And it makes complete sense that you’d feel torn between love and resentment. That kind of contradiction can feel like it’s eating you from the inside.

And that longing for her to notice, to help, to protect you, that doesn’t make you weak or entitled. It makes you a person with needs. Someone who should have been met with compassion instead of silence.

What’s especially hard is how you’ve started to internalize the idea that you don’t deserve help, and that it’s “your mess.” But if a wound keeps opening again and again, the answer isn’t “stop bleeding,” it’s “maybe you didn’t get the help you needed the first time.”

The way you’ve reflected so honestly shows your strength.
The way you’re clean for a few weeks shows your growth.
The way you still care about your relationship, even while it hurts shows your love, and that love is not naive.

Your pain is real. And your story deserves more than to be shrugged off as “not that deep.”

You’re not alone, okay? We see you. We hear you :sunflower:

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