My parents are in the middle of a divorce and I don't know what to do

Hangouts My Parents
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First time writing here, sorry if the formatting is wrong.

My mother recently told me that she had secretly filed for a divorce at the start of this year, and that I cannot tell anyone about this. The divorce is not really unexpected since my parents’ relationship has deteoriated since I was young, and they barely even talk to each other unless they are fighting. However, the suddeness of this news has really shaken me. I don’t know what to expect, and I can’t talk to anyone about this since no one else is supposed to know. I keep imagining scenarios that could happen, and this just adds to my fear. It is also very hard to face my father, knowing that he has no idea about the divorce. I feel very scared and uncertain about the future, and helpless because I don’t know what to do.

Would appreciate if anyone could share tips about the divorce process for children, and also how to cope with it.

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Hi @trustingfirefly7377, I hope you are coping given the circumstances :face_holding_back_tears: I am sorry that you have to go through this without a proper support system, please remember that this platform is always here for you (and I am glad that you have reached out here)! Hearing such news can be really overwhelming and difficult to process on your own. While your mother said you cannot speak to anyone about it, are you able to approach your school counsellor and mention that you wish for this matter to be kept confidential? They are trained professionals who would be able to better support you throughout this process. Professional help would be best to help you process the heavy and unexpected emotions that come with a divorce in the family. In the mean time, please remember that you are not alone and you can always reach out here for a listening ear! :hugs:

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Dear @trustingfirefly7377,

It is with a heavy heart that I hear you having to go through this… You said “I feel very scared and uncertain about the future… and helpless because I don’t know what to do.” Reading that, it feels like something very big was placed on you… not just the news of the divorce, but also the weight of having to keep it a secret.

There’s a part here that isn’t really fair on you. The decision to divorce is made by the adults, but asking you to co-hold that secrecy can quietly turn it into your burden. A parent can choose to confide, but when it comes with “you cannot tell anyone,” it can make you feel responsible for something that was never yours to carry.

And at the same time… you already knew their relationship has been difficult for a long time. So it’s not just shock, you might also be holding a kind of helplessness… like seeing something coming but not being able to stop it. Others who were in this situation often felt a bit of guilt, like “could I have done something earlier?” even if they never say it out loud.

Just to be clear with you, this is not something you could have prevented.
Relationships between adults are shaped by many years of patterns, choices, and dynamics that sit far outside of your control.

When your mind keeps imagining scenarios, it’s trying to create certainty.
But because you don’t have full information, it ends up creating more fear instead of relief.

A few things that might help you steady yourself right now:

  • You are not responsible for the divorce or what happens next.
  • Being asked to keep this secret does not mean you have to carry the emotional weight alone.
  • Both your parents remain responsible for your wellbeing, including your daily care and living situation.
  • What matters now is having support, not trying to solve everything.

If there’s a trusted adult you can speak to (a relative, school counsellor), that can help ease the isolation a bit. And if it feels too hard to find someone in your circle, you can reach out to National Mindline (1771), they can walk through this with you, including what to expect and how to cope, at your pace.

You’ve been asked to hold something very adult… and it makes sense your system is reacting this way. Maybe for now, the focus will be making sure you don’t have to carry this alone. When you are ready, let us know how you feel?

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