Hi all, my parents had a really terrible argument today. During the process, they started blaming each other and saying that the other party is a dead weight and stuff like that. They started mentioning that they hate each other and they were going to get a divorce. This is not the first time things are happening and honestly I got a bit desensitised by it, but I am worried that this will be the time they will actually get a divorce.
During the process, I had a lot of questions in my head. Should I consult someone from MSF to mediate the situation? I am concerned that this would cause the situation to worsen instead with other people being brought into the mess. If they get a divorce, who should I stay with? My father is the sole breadwinner but I am closer to my mother. On the other hand, my mother’s emotions can be more unpredictable. While she does not have a history of mental illnesses, she ever brought up taking her own life.
Honestly, I feel so stuck and lost here. I need help. What should I do to navigate through this situation? I’m tired of the arguments going back and forth about the same issues again and again.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this It sounds exhausting and emotionally draining to witness the same painful cycle again and again. It’s completely understandable to feel stuck when you’re caught in the middle of something so complicated. Your concerns are valid, and it’s okay to not have all the answers right now. The uncertainty about what might happen next can be overwhelming, and the worry about your mother’s well-being adds an extra weight to everything. You’ve been carrying so much already, and I just want to acknowledge your strength in facing all of this. Feeling desensitized doesn’t mean you don’t care. It is a natural way your mind is trying to protect you from the hurt.
You shouldn’t have to navigate this alone, and seeking support can help you process your feelings and make informed decisions. If you’re considering reaching out to MSF, you might want to think of it as a way to ensure your parents get help rather than just bringing more people into the conflict. Talking to a trusted adult, counsellor, or professional could provide insight and guidance, whether it’s about mediation or making tough choices if a divorce happens. Your emotions matter, and whatever happens, you deserve a stable and supportive environment. No matter what your parents decide, your well-being is important too. I know this situation is painful, but you are not powerless in it.
You have a voice, and there are people who care and want to help. So here are some resources for you to consider:
My heart truly goes out to you right now. Witnessing such painful conflict between your parents and carrying this fear and uncertainty is an incredibly heavy burden. Thank you for reaching out – that takes real courage. I hope that my post would support you better:
First and Foremost: Your Safety & Your Mother’s Safety
Your mother mentioning taking her own life, even once, cannot be ignored. This is a serious indicator of deep distress. Please tell a trusted adult immediately – a school counselor, teacher, relative, or contact a helpline like Samaritans of Singapore (SOS: 1-767). You should not carry this worry alone, and she needs professional support. This is the most urgent step.
Addressing Your Parents’ Conflict & Your Feelings:
Your Feelings are Valid: Feeling stuck, lost, desensitised, scared, and tired is completely understandable. Chronic conflict is exhausting and traumatizing. Don’t judge yourself for feeling numb sometimes; it’s a coping mechanism. Acknowledge the weight you’re carrying.
It’s Not Your Responsibility to Fix Them: Their relationship issues and arguments are their problems to solve. You cannot mediate or force them to change. Your role is to take care of yourself and seek support for you.
Desensitization is a Warning Sign: That you’ve become somewhat numb shows how long and intense this has been. It highlights the need for you to get emotional support to process this healthily before it impacts you long-term.
Their Words in Anger: While deeply hurtful, statements like “dead weight,” “hate each other,” and threats of divorce are often expressions of extreme frustration and pain in the moment. It doesn’t necessarily mean divorce is imminent, but it does mean the situation is very unhealthy and unsustainable.
Regarding Your Specific Questions & Concerns:
Consulting MSF (or similar services): This is a very good idea, but likely for you first, not necessarily to mediate your parents yet.
MSF Family Services: They offer counseling and support for youths in family distress. Reaching out to them is about getting you help, guidance, and understanding your options. A counselor there can help you process this, develop coping strategies, and advise if/when/how involving them with your parents might be beneficial. They are trained professionals who handle these situations sensitively. Starting here is highly recommended.
School Counselor: This is another excellent, immediate resource. They can provide daily support, connect you with resources, and be a safe person to talk to.
Bringing in Others: Your fear that involving others might worsen things is understandable, but professionals are trained to navigate this carefully. Their goal is de-escalation and support, not taking sides. Keeping this bottled up is often more damaging. Support for you is crucial regardless.
“Who should I stay with if they divorce?”:
This is a huge question, and it’s okay that you don’t have the answer. Courts (in Singapore and most places) prioritize the child’s best interests.
Your relationship with each parent, their ability to provide a stable home (emotionally and practically), and crucially, your wishes (especially as you are older) are major factors. Your closeness to your mother and your concerns about her emotional state are both valid parts of this.
You don’t have to decide this alone. If divorce proceedings happen, a court may appoint a Child Representative or seek your input directly. Talking to a counselor (MSF, school) now will help you clarify your feelings and understand the process.
Financial dependence (your dad as breadwinner) is a practical reality, but custody arrangements often include financial support (child maintenance) from the non-custodial parent. Don’t feel forced to choose based solely on finances.
What You Can Do Right Now:
Prioritize Safety: Address the concern about your mother immediately by talking to a trusted adult or helpline.
Seek Support FOR YOU:
Contact MSF Family Services: Call them or look up their website for youth services.
Talk to your School Counselor: Make an appointment as soon as possible.
Identify a Trusted Adult: Is there a relative (aunt, uncle, grandparent), friend’s parent, or religious leader you trust? Tell them what’s happening.
Focus on Your Well-being:
Create Safe Spaces: Identify places (your room, a library, a friend’s house) where you feel calm and removed from the conflict when it happens.
Practice Self-Care: Do things that help you de-stress, even small things – listen to music, spend time with friends, engage in hobbies, get some exercise. Prioritize sleep and eating regularly.
Limit Exposure (If Possible): When arguments start, if it’s safe to do so, remove yourself from the immediate environment. Go to your room, put on headphones, or go for a walk.
Consider Talking to Your Parents (When Calm): This is only if you feel safe and strong enough. You could say something like: “Mom, Dad, seeing you fight like that scares me and makes me feel really sad. I know you’re both hurting, but it’s hard for me too. I really need things to be calmer at home. I’m also worried, especially when [mention specific concern like Mom’s comment, if appropriate]. I’m going to talk to [school counselor/MSF] to get some help for myself to cope with this.” Frame it around your feelings and needs.
Remember: You are not alone in this. What matters most right now is your safety (physical and emotional) and getting the support you need to navigate this incredibly difficult situation. Taking that first step to contact MSF or your school counselor is powerful self-care. You deserve support and stability. Be gentle with yourself.
Do you have siblings or grandparents that you can speak with to process your feelings? Otherwise going to a Counsellor or a neutral trusted adult might help.
About your parents… I feel that it might be hard to bring in other people into their arguments at this point. Your parents might not appreciate it too. But if things turn ugly (if they start physically fighting or if the situation turns unsafe then it’s a sign to bring in the police or other professionals)
I think you’re very mature for thinking way ahead about the custody and stuff. But like the others in this thread have said, you don’t have to do this alone. There will be professionals helping you along. In the meantime, maybe you can consider talking to your parents individually and seeing their POVs. It’s good to get alone time with each parent and see how the situation progresses. Hopefully they reconcile so you don’t have to make any difficult decisions.