Hello. Four about three months my OCD was causing me to be in very frequent despair and distress, such that I would occasionally have very dark thoughts and overall feeling that my life was just a spiral of misery. his happened mostly because when I got my obsessive thoughts and tried to deny the information they told me I’d immediately feel bodily sensations like a knot in my stomach or leg tension which could last for hours. I attributed this to the fact that I might just have been lying to myself and needed to accept the hard truth my thoughts were telling me.
Fast forward to two weeks ago and I stopped feeling said bodily sensation. I’m relieved to be free from that crippling bodily tension which, given the association I used to make, caused me significant impairment, to the point that I would be ruminating for, maybe, 8 hours a day or more.
Nevertheless, different concerns and worries arise. As often, whenever I have some days in which my obsessions wane, I started doubting my illness or invalidating my suffering, what I believe is called “Meta OCD”. “What if it’s all gone now?”; “Wasn’t I exaggerating?”; “See, this is easy, the only reason you’re not feeling well is because you don’t want to stop doing compulsions”. This is just a share of the speculation that goes on in these moments, and it consumes so much of my time that I start wishing I’d go back to those worse days just to prove to myself my suffering is real. Of course, this is a silly wish, a conclusion I promptly reach when those days return.
I always have thoughts that I’m not suffering enough for it to be a real deal. Even if I do compulsions for three hours a day, because they’re mostly mental, it’s like they’re not bad enough and I should just live with it. Somethimes, I end up performing compulsions in reaction to my intrusive thoughts just to “prove” i have OCD.
On the other hand, these days I’ve felt very detatched, lethargic, and overall I lack empathy, hope and positivity. I’m not sure if this could be the product of undiagnosed dysthymia, a condition I’m trying to discuss with my doctor, or if it’s possible OCD causes this quiet but real state of withdrawal, weariness, apathy and indifference. I’m sure constant arguments may not be harmless to my mood, even when I don’t outright freak out.
I’ve been prescribed Escitalopram, but I always wonder if my situation is urgent enough to take recourse to antidepressants. Sure, nothing assures me that next week things won’t be “in the mud” again. By the looks of it, OCD seems to act in cycles. Now, however, I’m afraid things are going away completely unless I don’t collaborate. I know it sounds stupid that I’d be worried about the illness just vanishing. But I don’t trust this illness and I believe that, if things were really to take a huge turn, my mood would be far more pleasant than it is right now, even when my symptoms aren’t severe
