The weight of intern and my mental health is heavy on me.

Ask a Therapist Mental Health Conditions
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I have recently started intern as a year 3, and I felt excited as I was trekking to this new phase of life, accepted into a company I like. I have been previously diagnosed with anxiety and ocd behavioural patterns in 2020, and it has been stable for a good while. Enough to make me feel confident in myself. But it felt like I was wrong. As the 4th week of intern dawns I find myself increasingly anxious, increasingly hyperfixate on different body sensations like vision and breaths.

I was scared my health in every aspect is getting worse and it feels so real. I felt the weight of my intrusive thoughts pressing down on me, and I couldn’t even find time to breathe due to long working hours, increased screen time, limited free time , and especially rest times during the weekends which is simply not enough for me to recuperate. I felt ashamed as I’ve dealt with the worst phases of my ocd and anxiety before and survived, but it does not mean I like going through all the symptoms again and again. I’ve had expectations on myself to do well and get good grades, both for my future and for my pride as a designer and student. My mind is convinced of the worst case scenarios happening to me especially as i can see and feel the physical symptoms. I’m tired.

I’m afraid of disappointing my supervisors, teams and teachers. It makes me resent the idea that it’s not right to live so tiredly but isn’t this the norm in society? To get a job, get paid and rest. Rinse and repeat. I’m afraid of the uncertainty of the future. I couldn’t talk about it with my parents because the memory of them sweeping it under a rug is a harsh wound all these years.

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Hi @user5339,

It takes so much courage to speak about what you’re feeling, especially when those feelings are tangled in shame, fear, and exhaustion. It’s incredibly human to hope that stability means permanence. But when symptoms return, it doesn’t mean you’ve failed. You’re still the same strong person who got through difficult seasons before. That inner strength hasn’t disappeared. It’s simply carrying a heavier weight right now. Internships can be exciting, but they also come with unspoken pressures, fast-paced expectations, and a deep disruption of your usual rhythm. Your body and mind are sounding the alarm not because you’re broken, but because you care deeply about doing well, about being proud of your work, and about living with purpose.

You don’t have to navigate this alone. Even though it’s hard to open up, I gently encourage you to consider speaking with your internship supervisor, a trusted lecturer, or one of the Career Guidance Counsellors available in your institution. They’re not there to judge or measure your resilience. They’re there to support and understand. Letting someone in could create space for accommodations, perspective, or simply relief. What you’re experiencing matters, and you’re not weak for needing rest or reassurance. You’re already showing so much awareness and strength. Let’s make sure you have the support to match it.

Best regards,
HanSolo2000
Befriender | let’s talk by mindline

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Dear @user5339

Thank you for reaching out and seeking to understand and cope with what you are going through. I get a sense that you are already doing the best you can right now.

I agree that starting internship is a huge step, and it feels like a lot, which is understandable. The return of anxiety, OCD thoughts, and physical symptoms doesn’t mean you’re back at square one — I believe it means you’re overwhelmed. Please know it’s not a weakness at all. But your mind and body may be asking for a pause.

May I gently encourage you to recall how did you manage similar challenges previously? What helped you back then? Was it slowing down? Seeking help? These reflective exercise may help you understand yourself and what could work for you.

Those same strengths are still within you.

Right now, would you like to consider to be kinder with your self expectations. It’s acceptable if you are not at your best all the time. It’s fine to not get everything right. It’s okay too if all you can do some days is show up. You don’t have to prove your worth through constant high performance.

You’re deserving of rest. You’re allowed to not be productive all the time. You’re allowed to say, this is hard for me and ask for help — whether from a friend, a mentor, or a counsellor like what @Han_Solo_2000 has suggested.
Take those much needed regular breaks to ground yourself and breathe.

I encourage you to loosen some of the high expectations and establish some boundaries between work and rest. And remind yourself: you’ve made it through before — you will again — and you don’t have to do it alone.

You’re not behind dear. I believe that sometimes taking two steps backwards will bring you three steps forward. Let us know how you are doing and continue to reach out here for support when needed. :yellow_heart:

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Hello @CaringBee

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply. I understand if it’s not I’m your field to treat mental heath disorders, but I deeply appreciate your message and it made me feel better to be seen :”)

A brief background in my history with anxiety and ocd, is that I’ve been dealing with it for 5 years, I’ve gained somewhat of a hand in identifying when I’m experiencing one of the episodes. My anxiety disorder amplifies and catastrophizes much of my worries, I tend to be absolutely convinced of the worst case scenario. My ocd tends to jump its themes, and anything can be okay but become a fear the next day. And much more.

What makes it extremely hard is that both of these blur the lines of irrationality and if something truly is wrong,and if accompanied with physical symptoms. It gets the hardest at this point.

For internship, I tend to worry about being disassociated due to being too tired, since I’ve dealt with long termed disassociation before. I know how scary it can get, I get way better at dealing with it, but there’s still a fear I can’t quite let go, not just yet, but trying to, and a health aspect would be I’m afraid I’m going blind (yes, irrational but I totally believe it at my worst) due to longer screen time, and noticing some astigmatism streaks which I’m not even sure if they were there at the first place because I tend not to notice those things. (Already worn glasses and astigmatism has been stable for years) It gets me spiraling and ocd “checking”, it feels like I don’t want to let go of control, and can’t relax.

Shame and guilt sometimes eat at me because , there are people out there dealing with actual health issues, and here I am taken control by my anxiety. There are no prior red alert symptoms to whatever my fear is, but just that one imperfection can get me to be absolutely convinced, even typing it out I still have conviction in my intrusive thkoughts. Not knowing what’s true or what’s not, believing that something bad has to happen, because I don’t deserve a good life, or something.

The best thing I do is distraction, even though it might be short termed, and telling myself to just let it go. After all, exposing myself uncertainty is what starves the monster, but it gets too real, too hard sometime that I just have to fall down. I don’t want to fall down , I want to feel healthy and like myself. Then, most of the times it tires itself out when it says it will, and I move on. I watch asmr anxiety videos to sleep, because that sense of being seen and heard it’s very important to me.

Thank you for hearing me

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Hi @user5339 ,

Thank you for sharing this. It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling overwhelmed. Transitioning into an internship, especially in a demanding field like design, is a huge adjustment even without the added weight of anxiety and OCD. It makes sense that your body and mind are reacting with heightened sensitivity, and physical symptoms like vision changes or breath awareness are often your nervous system’s way of screaming for a break. The fact that you’ve survived past struggles doesn’t mean you’re “weak” for struggling now. Recovery isn’t linear, and stress can trigger old patterns even after periods of stability.

It’s heartbreaking to hear how alone you feel in this, especially with the fear of disappointing others and the lack of support from your parents. It is important to note that your exhaustion isn’t a personal failing, it’s a sign that the system (work culture, academic pressure, societal norms) is grinding you down.

Some things that I think might help are:

  • Carve out 10 minutes a day to disconnect from screens and just “exist”
  • Confide in one person at work or school (a mentor, a peer) about the pressure you’re feeling
  • Grant yourself permission to rest without guilt

You’re shouldering so much, and you deserve compassion, especially from yourself. If therapy or medication helped in the past, this might be a sign to revisit those tools. You’re not back at square one, relapse is a part of recovery.

Hang in there and stay strong!

-miloluvr :heart:

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Dear @user5339

You are very welcome and thank you again for sharing. What you’re feeling is completely valid. Anxiety and OCD can make everything feel real, especially when physical symptoms show up. I applaud your determination in doing your best despite the challenges.

I can hear how much you want to feel okay. You’ve built coping tools like distraction, ASMR, and recognising patterns — and those are real achievements. I agree that it can still feel like too much though, especially when you’re tired, scared of dissociating again, or caught in checking spirals. That fear of “what if something really is wrong?” is fully understandable.

Please don’t feel guilty for struggling. Your pain matters, even if others are going through different things. You don’t have to compare your suffering to anyone else’s.

And maybe this is the time to let someone help you. You deserve support. A school counsellor or therapist could really help you feel less alone in this. You’ve been strong on your own for so long — but healing doesn’t have to be done alone.

You’re not broken. You’re just overwhelmed. And you deserve rest, safety, and peace.

Do take one step at a time. Rest and recharge regularly. :yellow_heart: