I have recently started intern as a year 3, and I felt excited as I was trekking to this new phase of life, accepted into a company I like. I have been previously diagnosed with anxiety and ocd behavioural patterns in 2020, and it has been stable for a good while. Enough to make me feel confident in myself. But it felt like I was wrong. As the 4th week of intern dawns I find myself increasingly anxious, increasingly hyperfixate on different body sensations like vision and breaths.
I was scared my health in every aspect is getting worse and it feels so real. I felt the weight of my intrusive thoughts pressing down on me, and I couldn’t even find time to breathe due to long working hours, increased screen time, limited free time , and especially rest times during the weekends which is simply not enough for me to recuperate. I felt ashamed as I’ve dealt with the worst phases of my ocd and anxiety before and survived, but it does not mean I like going through all the symptoms again and again. I’ve had expectations on myself to do well and get good grades, both for my future and for my pride as a designer and student. My mind is convinced of the worst case scenarios happening to me especially as i can see and feel the physical symptoms. I’m tired.
I’m afraid of disappointing my supervisors, teams and teachers. It makes me resent the idea that it’s not right to live so tiredly but isn’t this the norm in society? To get a job, get paid and rest. Rinse and repeat. I’m afraid of the uncertainty of the future. I couldn’t talk about it with my parents because the memory of them sweeping it under a rug is a harsh wound all these years.