my (26) older sister (29) has been dealing with some form of mental health issues for at least 10-12 years now. it was ok for a while and then it got so much worse after marriage and now shes divorced with a child. we live together with our mom (single mom since i was born) now. At the current state, i feel like im walking on minefield bc one thing i say wrongly makes her lash out on me and my mom (accusing her of supporting me).
i cant help but wonder if i caused my sister to be like this. when i was young and stupid as a teen, i shouted at her because she was being an awful daughter and granddaughter. she constantly was rude to my gma and mom and i couldn’t stand it. tbh even in recent years before my gma died she was awful to her. and i had to butt in and defend my gma… in hindsight, she was probably like that because she was depressed. but maybe these incidents and me acting like i had moral superiority made her resent me even more. it doesn’t help that i had a “better” life going overseas for school and being single while she was stuck in sg and had a bad marriage AND a child as a single mom. she constantly brings these up when she can. (e.g., “oh you’re so perfect and happy while I’m the problem child and made all the bad life choices”)
since i live with my nephew now, i try to be present in his life bc he shouldn’t be affected by my bad r/s with my sister. i buy him stuff and make sure i go out with them on weekends. but she says i don’t spend enough on him, don’t offer to pay for school fees etc. and im stingy. she says i don’t care about them and only care about going out with friends. i KNOW im trying to spend a lot of time with my nephew (i buy him presents, etc) idk why it never seems enough to her. it came to the point where my mom defended me on two occasions and both times my sister got so mad she became physical (pushed/shoved my mom). i hate myself for causing this rift within my family and I’ve no idea what to do. im trying to be patient and not react to what my sister says (and feed into her anger) but its hard sometimes. my mom and i tried to get us all to go to family therapy but my sis refuses to cooperate. now her mental health is just deteriorating and being at home feels miserable. i love my nephew but im scared of being judged by my sister for every interaction i have with him. im also scared he’ll grow up in a dysfunctional family (ours). i feel bad for my mom who has to try to deal with my sister’s hatred towards me (and by extension hating my mom for taking my side at times).
i tried to tell my sister i wanted to stay out of her life because of how much pain it caused all of us. my mom encouraged me to apply for a masters overseas. but my sis accused me of not caring about my family and trying to escape and lead my “fun single life” while she and my mom stayed here and “suffered”. that’s not what i meant. anyway i haven’t applied because im so exhausted from work and coming home feeling even more tired having to think about how my every action could cause more havoc.
today, my mom cried and scolded me for making things even harder for my family because i took my sister’s snide comment to heart and refused to go out with them. my mom then defended me and got verbally abused and shoved by my sister. my mom didn’t deserve that. i didn’t deserve to be defended bc i chose to be selfish in that moment. i know my sister has a tough life and is likely depressed but i find it so hard to be patient and let things slide ALL the time. when i don’t let things slide my mom ends up being hurt in the process and now i cant help but think im the cause of everyone’s problems. i just want to not exist anymore. what do i do… im also very sorry for this being so long!!!